nine year old son needing reassurance.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

don't really know if ive posted in thr right place and this is quite long and complicated so please bear with me as I really need advice!
have a nine year old son.
his dad and I have been apart for 6 years.
we both have partners who we have both been with for roughly 5 years and who we have both lived with for a good three years and we are both currently expecting our second children!(still with me?).
son stays with his dad every weekend(they live with his current partners mum in a three bed house).
she is due on Friday.
I have had one talk with my son when he said he was feeling a bit left out about the arrival of our baby and I feel like we are dealing with this well as its a situation in our home that I have control over.
he came home from his dads last night and was a bit quiet and tearful and told me that he feel upset at his dads now as everything is about the baby at the moment.
thay have decorated the room that has been his alone for the past five years for the arrival of the baby and it will no longer be his room anymore and the baby will get to see his dad all week and he wont.
also he said that his dad doesn't really spend any time with him when hes there.
my heart is breaking for him as one new baby is hard enough to deal with but he now has two to adjust to and I just don't know what to say to him or how to reassure him when it comes to his dads situation.
I know that there behaviour isn't unreasonable(but I don't think his dad has spoken to him about it enough)but I just don't know how to handle a situation that is completely out of my control?

bumping as I really need advice.

Oh dear, I have no advice but hope someone comes along with some soon,.

Good luck and congratulations :-)

Are you on the sort of terms with your ex where you can talk to him about it?
Have they plans to move out of the MIL's house?
Where will he sleep when the baby comes?
I would explain that people get a bit silly over new babies, in the way that they tend to concentrate on them and that it wears off as they get older- and that his father doesn't love him less.
Concentrate on the positives of being a big brother. In my case I had an 8 yr gap and it worked wonderfully as the younger one hero worshipped the older - and who can resist that!

thank you kd.
exotic thanks.
thats kind of how I have handled our situation.
have told my son that the baby will probably idolise him.
I can talk to him but sometimes he can get a bit defensive.
hes a nice,harmless bloke but sometimes a bit clueless about childrens emotional well-being.
they do plan to move out of mother in laws but only into a two bed so he will always have to share his room with a sibling nine years younger.
we are planning on moving to a three bed soon so son can have his own room but I know that's not always possible for some couples.
I think ex is struggling with the emotional needs of a pregnant girlfriend and pending baby and the needs of his son.
how do you strike a balance?

Sometimes just giving kids a chance to talk about how they feel is the most helpful thing. It is too bad if his father can't do this, but it sounds like you are doing a great job if your son is coming to you to talk.

I agree with claraschu - it is all you can do. The first year will be difficult- it will be much easier when the baby is walking and talking and a person rather than 'the baby'.

thanks claraschu.
have always been pleased that he feels he can talk to me about things.
but I kind of think childrens emotional well being is something that isn't really taken into consideration by dads don't you think?
if I have ever tried to discuss sons worrys and concerns with his dad before this its a kind of 'oh,he'll be fine' kind of response.

In some ways it doesn't matter if your ex doesn't get it when you try to explain. It'll heighten his awareness anyway and more importantly your son will know you care enough to intervene and that you think they are being a bit inconsiderate.

You could always write a letter instead of phoning, will give ex a chance to read and discuss with his partner. And let your son read it, that way you'll write it sympathetically and fit for a child's ears!

There's no reason IMO the room couldn't be neutrally decorated with appropriate wall art over each bed for example. Lots of kids share rooms. If they are bothering to decorate then they must be planning to be there a while.

Don't know if here are any age appropriate books about becoming a big brother?

I think that you will find that any books about becoming an older sibling are aimed at the toddler/pre school child.

some great ideas and advice thanks ladies.
have decided that I will have a chat with his dad but try to keep it as light-hearted and non-preachy as possible.
in the meantime I will also keep the lines of communication open with my son and make him feel as loved and included as I can.
its really all I can do and hes gone off too school this morning in a great mood!