Arguing & crying in front of kids?

[cantreachmytoes]

Ok, first of all I KNOW it's not ideal, far from it. Please don't berate me for it, because you'll just make me cry, in front if the kids!

I've a 2 month old and two year old. Not sure if its our relationship or my hormones, but DH is annoying/upsetting me often. Sometimes little things, but they're on the back of something big.

I am always around the kids as EBF youngest. We have fought in front of them and it hurts me (not as much as it does them, I know) and the argument has left me crying on a number of occasions.

If I try to discuss things that turn into arguments after 2 year old is asleep, DH is too tired. It then happens in the day. My eldest has just tried to make mummy stop crying,which made me even more upset. DH doesn't seem to recognise arguing in front if kids is bad because his parents are MAJOR conflict avoiders.

How do you argue, or deal with hurt that makes you cry (emotional) without the kids seeing/hearing?

Hi OP. Im sorry you are having a horrible time at the moment.

I have 3 young DC's so I know how emotional you are with very young babies, lack of sleep and the work a 2 yr old and newborn brings. Exhausted, emotional and completely tied down goes someway to describe! You try to explain this to your DH and they are, well rubbish aren't they!

BUT - I also remember my parents arguing all of the time and my mum crying a lot. I have memories of this when I can only have been two years old myself. It really scares children. I remember feeling scared that something bad was always about to happen, anxious.

I had a fear my mum would leave me. I don't know why. She never did anything to suggest she would but I guess this was from a child's viewpoint.

I know you are finding it tough OP and it really is. I can imagine how frustrated you are at your DH is being totally un supportive but you have to try and be a bit stronger for the kids sake.

Your brains neuropaths are set between the age of 0-5. If children are in a stressful upsetting environment at a young age then they will always be anxious adults when put under any stress. Revert to type!

I found this out when I received Cognitional Behavioral Therapy after the birth of my 2nd DC as a treatment for anxiety.

Im really not having a go at you because I know you can't help feeling emotional. Im just hoping you can find a way of venting that doesn't effect the children.

Write DH a letter!! I know that sound mad but you could get all of your viewpoints over, including his inability to be nice infront of the kids . Hope you are ok x

Couldn't agree more with quickchat. Sorry you're having a hard time but my greater sympathy lies with your dc. I grew up in amongst countless arguments and screaming matches til my parents eventual divorce at 7yrs old.

You have to stop. However you make that work. Discuss later, send letters or email another. Or try to learn techniques to discuss things rationally. How to talk works for adults too!

I don't mean to be unkind i have a toddler and baby too so i do understand and the odd cry want going to hurt them but it's ot ok to have full on arguments in front of dc IMO.

Thanks. I know about the brain development, which is exactly why it upsets me more!

I will go for some of your options. That's what I needed! My brain is so tired and full that it doesn't seem to find room for figuring things out!

Children are wonderful but can also be a catalyst for relationship problems due to tiredness, lack of time, feeling that the other person doesn't quite 'get' or appreciate what we do, etc. It's good that you recognise that arguing in front of the kids is bad, and more bad than you even realise in the long term. I'm another adult rather screwed up by my parents arguing when I was a child, and their poor ways of dealing with conflict and lack of obvious mutual respect has impacted negatively on my own relationships. Your dh may not realise the effect that it has, but you should try to sit him down and explain that neither of you want to end up with needy insecure children and so you need to find better ways of dealing with conflict. If he does something during the day that upsets you, try to reign in your emotions and frustration and save it until the evening to mention it to him. Ask him what he thinks would be the best approach given that he is tired at night and the children are up during the day. Your relationship does definitely need some housekeeping to try to cut down on bickering and resentments that can build up. Dh and I haven't always been great at that but have agreed we need to have a united front for the kids, so any issues can and need to wait until we're alone. All the best.