Mindee crying and refusing to go on potty or toilet, and holding his wee in until we put a pull up on to go toschool! Any advice

[saltire]

Hi there. i feel a bit strange posting here, as its not my kids!
Anyway i childmind a 3 year old. His parents are trying to introduce potty training for him and its causing a lot of upset.

He will wear the pants, but screams if his parents, or i try to get him to sit on the potty, or the toilet. He stiffens his whole body and won't bend at all.We have tried all the various forms of toilet seats avaialiable, to no avail.
He won't wee at all, he waits until we go out and i put a pull up on him. Yesterday we stayed in as i am potty training another mindee, and he held his wee in until i put a pull up on him to go to school. He then filled the pull up and i had to change it before we left the house.
His mum tells me that he screams the place down when she puts his pants on and stiffens his whole body in an attempt to get them on him. I feel that perhaps she should leave it a while as he has been a late developer in everything else, however he is due to start playgroup after the summer holidays and they won't take him apparently if he is still in nappies or pull ups. The other mindee who is potty trainging is 2, and she sits on the potty quite well and i thought this might encourage him, but it's not. I could really do with some ideas, that i could share with his mum.

Have heard people suggest as a first step, getting them to sit on the potty while still wearing nappy or pullups - and only once they're happy with that, move on to actually sitting on it without them?

We did try that, but as soon as he sees the potty, or if we even say the word he starts crying, getting louder until we take it away. it sits under the window in my living room and he avoids that area completely

I agree with you - he's letting her know in no uncertain terms that he's not ready. I can't see the point in continuing with something that's obviously causing him distress - apart from anything else, if he starts to associate the potty or toilet with negative feelings, forcing him to continue is going to cause problems in the future. If he goes back to nappies for now there's still time for him to be ready before the summer - a few weeks can make all the difference. But putting too much pressure on him now is going to be counter-productive.

If he sees your other mindee using the potty without pressure being put upon him to do so too, maybe it will start to feel less upsetting for him - but I would certainly recommend you try and convince his parents that at the moment, putting so much pressure on him isn't a good idea.

I agree, leave it for a while. This sounds awful for everyone - he is clearly terrified. September is a long way away, plus I thought it was discriminatory for a preschool to refuse to take a child in nappies? Perhaps she could look into this.

Oh dear. Not sure what else to suggest, as you said he's the same with the toilet, it's not just the potty he hates. Could his mum take him shopping to choose some 'big boy pants' that he'd be willing to wear?

My dd had a real phobia about pooing anywhere other than a nappy (it took 15 months after she was dry, and even then it was only under protest until recently), and really the only way to deal with it is to let them come to terms with things in their own time. The more you force it, the more they dig their heels in, the worse things feel for them and the less likely they are to try the toilet next time. It's hard not to get frustrated by it, but they don't do these things because they enjoy it; if he is frightened of using the potty or the toilet (and it sounds to me as if he is) then the only way to deal with it is to relax and let him do it when he is ready.

He's not ready. Although it has to be said that he is ready in so much as he can hold the wee in.

Has his mum tried letting him choose a potty to use? Maybe one he's chosen will be less scarey. I assume the usual reward/bribery route has been tried.

tbh I don't see the point of persisting , no matter how physically ready he apparently is, if it stresses him out. In another month or so he may feel ready and happier about it. Is he tall enough to pee standing up or could he choose a seat insert he feels secure on ?

Thanks for all your comments, its 65 years since i did potty training with my two so am a bit rusty!
As i said in my OP i feel he's not ready. He doesn't even know when he's pee'd or pped in his pull up, although, as someone said he is able to hold it in so must have some idea of whats going on. At the risk of sounding horrible, the parents don't always seem to take in what's being said to them ( in the nicest possible way) so
A) If i say he's not ready, she'll nod her head, and agree with me, then carry on anyway and get stresed out.
B) It's quite likely that playgroup never said anything about pullup or nappies, i have picked children up from there before, and have seen others with pull ups.So she could just be saying this to justify her pushing the potty training!

obviously i meant 5 or 6 years, not 65!

He sounds like my dd1, we are having the same problem, she started off ok, did a wee in potty on first day of training but now she just screems and holds it in as long as she can. Ive stoped potty training for a while and will try again in a few weeks.

Assuming they will have holidays over the summer I'd suggest they leave it til then.

then point them in the direction of cod's potty training boot camp :o