HELP! _ My 7 year old keeps asking me to leave dh.

[aaronsmummy]

My ds age 7 keeps asking me to leave dh. They have a really bad relationship, dh promises to do things with him but golf, tv and beer always come first. Dh is also a bully, I don't stand for it but this is causing major problems. I am always stuck in the middle of their rows. Have 2 other children too to consider. How can I help them to sort this out.

Hi - is dh your children's father or is he a step-father? Makes a difference in some ways I think, but either way, I would say try to talk to dh and agree on some basics: no promises if not going to keep them, no bullying/shouting/whatever. When you get him to agree on the need for some changes, then you need to all sit down together to agree way forward. Since I'm assuming you don't want to leave dh, as you say, you need to help them sort it out. But I'd say you are instrumental in that. I have a friend who had a very domineering dad who used to lock them in their rooms and hit them etc etc. She still resents her mum for not doing more to stand up for them. And broken promises are awful. Good luck

Hiya, Thanks for the advice, he is their father not sf. He has issues from his own childhood that I think are very relevant but he is unwilling to talk about this, he likes to gloss over problem situations and say everything is ok.

"She still resents her mum for not doing more to stand up for them."

Yup, that's me. My Stepfather was a domineering, bullying, violent assh*le and I was the demonised child because I refused to take his crap. I would also beg my mother to leave him and I still resent her for not standing up for me. Can I suggest you seek some sort of family mediation or therapy? You don't want your child to grow up resentful and angry at you and your DH like I am at my parents, trust me.

I think I will try and sort things out but at the end of the day my kids WILL come first. He has started being heavy handed with my autistic 3 year old too. He trys to control me through money, social life etc and since I have been seeing the Health Visitor and Social Worker regarding ds2 I have been able to stand up to him more as I have realised dh's behaviour is tending towards 'unusual' putting it kindly. Ds1 finds it hard already having a little brother with problems and a baby sister and i thought activitues with dh would help but it seems dh is not that committed.

I have to say I think you've just said it - commitment. You sound like a great mum with loads to deal with and good on you for trying but I'm afraid the adult needs to take responsibility here and put the hard work into building a relationship with his son. Parenting is hard work (as we know!) and maybe he doesn't want that. It sounds like you receive no support from him at all (would you miss him if you left?). You should never tell anyone to leave a relationship but you stay assertive and in control of your own life. Your children need you. Perhaps he should seek councelling to sort out his issues. You can but try.

Thanks bouncyball. I have suffered years of being told everything is my fault - thank goodness I found this website. I think it will be a case of 'Shape up or Ship out'. A happy Mummy is better for my children than an unhappy, insecure Mummy and a Bullying Daddy.

I had a similar experience too and I also still resent my mum. While this is being sorted out, make sure you make it clear to your son that DH is being unfair, breaking a promise is wrong, it DH's fault not DS's etc, or the treatment by your DH could start to make him feel worthless. Tell him you are trying to sort it out and you can see his (DS's) point. I remember wondering why my mum stayed with my dad too, at this age or even younger. They finally divorced when I was 17 and I wasn't upset at all - just annoyed it had taken so long.

Good luck whatever happens.

I have no experience of this whatsoever and am therefore totally unqualified to comment, but I would say that while you get it sorted make sure you keep strong the relationship with your ds. It sounds like you already communicate well, and I think it's important that he knows you are taking him seriously and trying to fix it. I think he will appreciate a level of open honesty from you and he will feel supported. Reading others' experiences it seems these situations can end up alienating kids because they feel let down.
But I bet you're already doing this and I'm stating the blindingly obvious, if so please ignore me!