Please help. Due to have baby no 2 soon and dd really doesn't like me

[Echocave]

Hi there, I'd be really grateful for any advice please.
By way of background I have a 22 month old dd. when she was born I had PND which counselling helped. Not sure what caused it but family member died after long illness just before dd's birth which didn't help. I am rather an emotional person though and just didn't cope very well with having a baby.

During the first 8 months of dd's life I was not very well really and was probably horrible for her to be around. I stressed about everything including the fact that dd would never breast feed very well after a shaky tongue tied start. I have always felt bad over my emotional behaviour to her.

Now I'm pregnant again and dc is due in October. dd is the typical toddler. She wants things her way all the time and always wants her dad not me. She won't even let me hold her baby reins. Her dad has just changed jobs and was around much more for a while and we've noticed she plays up really badly when we're both around.

The problem (and thanks for reading this far) is that I am very emotional as hormonal and not sleeping properly and I'm finding dd terrible to deal with. Rationally I tell myself she's just a toddler but emotionally I cannot deal with it. Tonight dh said maybe we'd started talking about the baby too soon.

I don't know what to do. Please help!

Kids want to feel safe more than anything. My advice is Beverly consistent and firm with her - don't indulge her preference for dh over you but.....try and spend some special time with her before the baby is born. Try and get her to help choose some toys for the baby and get some books about having a new sibling. Dd1 adored the usborne new baby book and we knew it backwards before dd2 was born.

Also remember to try not to project too much - even if there wasn't pnd whatsoever your dd would be unsettled about a new baby - thru always are so don't beat yourself up too much

Be very not Beverly!!

I have no specific advice, but i found being pregnant with a toddler absolutely terrible. I was in floods of tears every day, poor little dd didn't understand at all. Her catchphrase was 'is it not my fault mummy?'. Which it wasn't, it was mine.

But it all went away and everything was fine once the baby got here. Now i'm not predicting miracles for you, but if you've had pnd before then you and your dp know what to look out for. And you may not get it, you may find giving birth is the miracle cure for all your woes that it was for me!

I would be very surprised if your daughter actually disliked you, although i can see why you think she does. What you're going through is hard. Really hard. But you'll manage. Good luck!

She's so very young, even though she doesn't seem it. I remember thinking ds was grown up as he approached 2. Now I've got dd who's approaching 2 and I realise what a tiny young child she is (and he was). My expectations were far too high.

Is your PND in check?

Also your dd doesn't dislike you. She may well prefer DH but that doesn't mean she doesn't like you. My two flip flop between me and DH (tonight ds declared he liked daddy at bedtime). It does sting a bit - but I have to remind myself I am the grown up and he's just being a child.

Don't talk to dd about the baby. She has absolutely no concept of time, she won't get excited in the same way an adult would and it will be a shock to her when baby does arrived. We kept talk of new baby to a minimum and when we brought dd home, introduced ds to her gently and that was it. He took it in his stride (until he realised that he has to share me, but we avoided any problems while I was pregnant).

With your dd the best things are distraction and not expecting too much from her or yourself.

Dd is 21mo and the same naughty behaviour when both dh and I are together with her.

Could you let dh take over once in from work? Take yourself off for a bath and an early.night and let him do her evening routine.

Nap when she does (if she still does)

Take her to a soft play centre and let her run roubd with othrr kids while you stare.into the middle distance (a fave of mine when exhaustion hits)

Thank you all for the advice. I think you're all right. I try to remember I'm the adult and I've always been rubbish at realising how young dd is.
I'm interested in the advice about mentioning the baby. Very true that dd has no concept of time, we're only just at the stage of her seeming to understand 'after your nap, Grandad will be here'.
I have no idea if my emotional responses are normal, pregnant related or PND.

I would speak to the HV or GP just to sound them out on PND.