Help pls - "discipline" with 2.6 yr old

[Deliaskis]

OK so discipline is completely the wrong word, as I appreciate that 2 and a half is still pretty young. I'm struggling to explain what I want to ask, so hopefully some other parents will share experiences.

90% of time DD is wonderful, funny, interesting, chatty, engaging, etc.

When something goes wrong, and I have to raise my voice or tell her that she has done something naughty, we get stuck in a stalemate situation and I feel stupid and don't know how to get out of it, or how to avoid it next time. On the other hand I feel like sometimes I have to put my foot down as she is quite wilful and like most toddlers always wants her own way, but I need her to learn that sometimes she has to do as I say (e.g. today when she ran off and into a carpark).

What do you do if your toddler does something they know is naughty? What do you say? What kind of consequence is there? How long does it last?

Looking forward to seeing responses as I'm feeling like I'm not doing this bit very well at all at the moment.

D

Tell her the consequences and follow through. E.g in the car park, get hold of her and kneel down to her level and look her in the eye. Explain calmly but firmly why she can't run off and that if she does it again you will have reins. Mean it.
Avoid the sort of confrontation that leads to stalemate- try to give a couple of ways out. E.g instead of being negative as in 'you can't do that' be positive in 'you choose, you can do a, or b,'.
Use distraction as much as possible.

The running away in a carpark is a tricky one, as at the time you will be stressed and worried about her safety as well as wanting to get her to understand that she needs to listen to you.

Like pp I've always tried to explain to DS1 (now 3.5 yrs) why I'm asking him to do something, and what the consequences would be (run over by car, taken to hospital etc)

I've never raised my voice to my son, when I'm being serious I make sure I speak calmly (in quite a low tone) and look him in the eye (and make sure he looks at me) while I speak to him - I make sure he understands what I've said by getting him to explain back to me why it's important not to run in the car park (this depends on the childs speaking ability, but my son was a good speaker from 2 so I was able to do this).

Like pp I also give him choices e.g. (you have two choices, you can hold my hand and we can go in the shop and have a cake/magazine etc or, you can run away, in which case I'll put you back in the car and take you home and there will be no cake/magazine/television (whatever she likes the most!) I started doing this with my son when he was very young - initially there was the odd tantrum of him not wanting any of the choices, but you stay calm and keep offering both choices to him until he would pick one. Letting them choose gives them some semblance of control and power (which is what all toddlers want!)

I've never used the naughty step or time outs, although if we are in the house and he does something naughty (like hits me) and doesn't apologise straight away (or doesn't apologise and mean it!) I tell him I don't want to play with boys who hit people and I ask him to leave me and not to speak to me until he says sorry.

My son hates not having my attention and so this works for us (as even if he goes away and watches telly for a while (the punishment is me not engaging with him - not depriving him of his toys/tv) he'll then try and speak to me and I remind him that I'm not playing or speaking to him as he hasn't said sorry). But again, it depends on your child and what pushes her buttons as to what form of 'deprivation as punishment' will work - it may be that she wont' mind not apologising to you as long as she can watch octonauts - in which case, removing octonauts would be more effective :-)

I've always been consistent - I never say No to my son unless I intend to follow it through (e.g. leave the cafe/bookshop/supermarket) and I never cave so he knows when I say No, I mean it and it's not negotiable.

Good luck - it's not easy dealing with a wilful 2 year old!

Thank you both, that's a lot of good advice. I think I need to focus more on the two choices, and not on the getting her to say sorry, as that's what led to the stalemate last night after the car park thing, and it was ridiculous and might as well have been 2 x 2yr olds rather than one toddler and a parent. I dragged it out way too long and it didn't work. As she is quite stubborn (where could she have got that from I wonder), I don't think the waiting for apology thing is going to work, but the 2 choices thing would, and in fact I did that this morning over breakfast.

I am hesitant about anything like time out, because again I think her stubbornness would mean she would just scream the whole time and not get the point at all.

Thanks again for great advice, I'm going to read and digest and read again!

Dx

Agree with above. Pick your battles too as there will be many! I'm just reading the no cry discipline solution (another pantley book) which has some good ideas to stop the tantrums before they start. Not too soon to read How to Talk either.