Inlaws - annoying behaviour

[dizzy125]

I've just spent the afternoon at the inlaws with my DH and 6 week old DS. They live close by and my SIL and her two year old son was there. When my nephew first met my DS we let him hold him on his knee, supported by my arm of course but now every time we go over he wants to hold my DS and throws a tantrum if he doesn't get his own way. I think DS is now too big to be held and I dont want to have to go through this ritual every time we visit the inlaws....but every time my nephew asks either his mum or MIL/FIL they reply with 'you'll have to ask his mummy'. I then have to tell my nephew no and I feel it should be my SIL who tells him no (No is not a word this boy hears very often - he is the first grandchild, his parents are separated and he is completely spoiled by my MIL/FIL). Anywho when we were over there today my DH and I were in the loft and my MIL was holding my DS downstairs and despite that we had already told my nephew he couldn't hold my DS, my MIL let him. I don't think my DS will come to any harm but its the principle that I had already said no to my nephew...I feel its the tip of the iceberg if my MIL/SIL/FIL don't respect my wishes on this simple thing. Am I getting my knickers in a twist over nothing?

My 6yo nephew loves a cuddle with his now 9mo little cousin, aka my ds. Why would i stop it? It takes all of 12 seconds, is very cute and heavily supervised.

Why don't you want them to form a relationship? They'll be rough and tumbling all over the place in a year, will you be trying to stop that too?

I think you just don't like your nephew very much. I hope that when your son is that age and you realise that being two is essentially the same as being a self-important stroppy tyrant, you may change your mind. In the meantime, let him hold DS, it's harmless, very cute and probably means your DN will learn to love him and not hit him over the head when he's mobile enough to nick all his toys.

Is 6 weeks a typo? That's still tiny!

Why exactly don't you want your ds to be held (briefly, with your supervision) by his cousin? I'd have thought that was absolutely standard behaviour...

Yes I think your getting your knickers in a twist over nothing..

Ds1 is 2.5 and loves holding ds2. As long as MIL is being careful why say no?

Say "yes, if you go and wash your hands then come sit next to me on the sofa". Nephew holds baby sitting down, back to back of sofa, you (or other adult!) next to him & supporting baby as necc. Perfectly normal!

I would find it quite strange PFb behaviour from my dsis if she wouldn't of let my DDs have a quick cuddle with their cousins. It's not a big deal for the sake if a few minutes but it could become a massive deal if you continue denying a very normal request from an interested toddler.

I don't think OP's post is about whether it's right to allow nephew to hold the baby or not - that's her decision.

It's about the in-laws going over her head when she specifically had just said "no". I'd be annoyed too, because it is, as you say, a matter of principle.

FWIW, with the holding thing I have a nephew who's 5 and hell would freeze over before I let him hold a baby.

This child has never been denied anything in his life, is prone to hitting, bitting, pinching and the only time he was given a baby to hold - at his request - he tried to throw him on the floor!

Umm if it was YOUR 2yr old would you be like this? I think not. 2yr olds- even the most delightful, want what they want and want it NOW... your little DS will be one soon enough. Doesn't mean you " give in" all the time but you work with /around what they want.

Why not work on appropriate interactions with the baby - supervised cuddles/bringing /showing toys/singing/pulling faces to make baby giggle etc

These are cousins. They could share a lovely childhood together if they see each other loads. They will be wrestling/poking/fighting etc and sometimes just playing amazingly together before you can blink.

I think your in laws are right to tell your nephew to ask you, in the same way I expect to be asked by others if it's ok to give my ds sweets. You are his mum, so it's your rules.

That said, I also think you're being harsh. It's perfectly normal for a 2 year old to have a tantrum when they're told they can't have it their way. When your ds is a toddler you will understand more about what is age appropriate behaviour.

You are within your rights to say no of course although I'd like to know more about your reasoning. I would have been very nervous had my only-just-2 year old wanted to hold a baby. But at closer to 3, my ds understands he must be careful and gentle around small children and his cm will happily allow him to hold small animals etc. I understand that you want to keep your baby safe, but be careful that by not allowing your nephew to hold him he may store up resentment. He cannot understand your reasoning unless you say why he can't. And I actually think that by allowing him you may foster a lovely relationship between them. It will do your nephew some good to be encouraged to care for and love a smaller child. It's such an important lesson for toddlers to learn and as the mother of a toddler I really appreciate it when others take the time to help teach him important lessons.

Hmm, think that it's right for them to def to you, you obv. Feel,very strongly about,it so you,need to just say once and for all that he never will hold the child, that stops any debate and then you have the right to have a go at anyone who overrules you.
Beware though herein lies the road to being considered unreasonable by all your faily.

I should have put in my original message that in no way do I think my nephew's tantrums are unreasonable for a two year old...but he has thrown things at my DS when DS was sitting quietly in his car seat. I don't want my nephew to feel jealous and he is unbelievably cute when he does bring things to my DS such as blanket or a toy. I think my issue is keeping DS safe - he's my first and he's a big baby when he's balanced on my nephew's knee. My nephew's behaviour is unpredictable so maybe I'm being overcautious. Plus on two occasions my nephew has held my DS he has not wanted to let him go and thrown a tantrum afterwards anyway. I am certainly looking forward to when they're old enough to play together... I'm probably confusing my decision with another separate issue which is that my nephew never hears the word No. EVER. When I go to the inlaws next week I will to grit my teeth and let him hold my DS.

Sit dn waaaaaay back on the sofa with ds between his legs and an adult right next to him. Put cushions under dn's elbows.

Falling off the sofa/bed is a rite of passage no matter how careful you are

If he's anything like my Ds1 if he gets to hold him once or twice he will quickly get bored and stop asking!

Why don't you let him sit on the floor and hold your ds? far less risky that way.

I agree with Op - it's the principle. If you aren't comfortable with him holding your baby and you've made your views clear then your family should respect that. If you have said "no" then it's not your responsibility if your nephew has a meltdown because his mother doesn't respect your decision and reinforce your request.
I've had a few similar issues and although they have been small incidences in themselves it has made me distance myself a little from those members of the family because I know they will ignore my wishes regarding my son despite me stating that I haven't like things they have done around/with him.

I can massively understand that your baby's welfare is your number one concern. I can also understand how annoying it is to be around children who never hear the word "no". But I think your job should be to make sure that you raise your own child in the way that you think is right (i.e. he can be told "no" at times and he will like it or lump it) and try not to get too wrapped up in how your nephew is raised. Easier said than done I know.

Of course, if your nephew throws things at your baby or tries to do anything potentially harmful while he's holding him, he needs to be told "NO" as well as WHY he shouldn't do it. Something like: "because it will hurt the baby and he'll cry and then you won't get to hold him again."

Totally understand the principle thing with your MIL but also reckon that sometimes you have to pick your battles. Maybe easing off with this - letting your nephew hold the baby as long as he's supervised - will help you feel more able to stand your ground during potential future clashes?!

:-)

When ds1 was 2 we realised that a lot of the things he did was copying us, or at least trying to copy us.

So he would want to hold ds2, because that's what mummy and daddy and all the adults did.

Let him hold the baby, its a lovely thing.

We once got upset cos ds1 appeared to keep whacking ds2 if I was holding the baby upright over my shoulder. It only stopped when we saw him with a teddy - he thought he was copying an adult burping a baby (we didn't whack the baby, only patted him but ds1 didn't know the difference ).

As others have said, in a year or so they will start wrestling and knocking 7 bells out of each other, whereas now the worst that can happen is baby will roll off his cousins lap on to a part of the sofa where an adult will be keeping guard.

If this is all that your MIL does so far to annoy you then you are doing very well .