worried about dc lack of friends (my fault)

[lemonruggles]

my dc is almost 3. we moved the area when he was a baby so I missed out on antenatal/ post births groups. I have never really got in a clique of friends as they all seemed pre formed when I arrived and I am a bit shy at initiating things / breaking into existing groups.

We go to toddler groups a few times a week but never see any of these people outside these groups. my dc has never been to another childs birthday party or had one himself.. I feel so bad about this.

Now his 3rd birthday approaching and he is aware of parties (from tv / books etc). He hasn't mentioned anything but I know he will be conscious that he isn't having one. We can't as we don't have anyone to invite. Even family there are no young children. I feel sad about this as it is all my fault. Sometimes neighbours etc chat to him about his birthday and ask if he is having a party.

We will go for a day out instead maybe to the zoo. Am I the only one who has put their dc in this situation? (he is a happy sociable boy btw, and plays with others at toddler group, it is me who has not made friends iyswim)

I sympathise. I really stressed as we moved when dd was 5 months and left behind all the mums and babies we'd met. It's so hard meeting people and feeling like you need to try and exchange numbers and stuff. It's like starting uni again or something! Why not try and start small? Only need to meet up with one mum and toddler - not in a big gang and its hard to break into established groups. Re parties, just having 2 or 3 kiddies for tea and play at your house is all you need to do. Do you have any school / work friends with toddlers?

Honestly don't worry! There is still plenty of time for him to make friends and it clearly hasn't affected his social skills at all.

I think when people talk about their toddler's "friends" they really mean "my friends' children who I decide we hang out with" - the kids have not chosen each other and may not even get on! So don't feel bad for your son for not having this kind of "friend".

Will he be starting nursery when he is 3? (you could take up the free 16 hours). That is often a route into new friendships.

Also once he's a bit older he'll start doing the initiating for you, eg he will probably develop particular friends at toddler groups, nursery or school and mention their names a lot. then you have an excuse to ask them round for a play date.

For his birthday if he seems bothered about a party then why not have a small family party? It's still a party even if all the other guests are adults and even if there are only a few people - just needs cake and silly hats to make it party :) But the zoo sounds lovely anyway and he can tell the neighbours that's what he is doing.

You can have a party without other kids.
Get the family around, can do pass the parcel if they are game, and have a party tea. Loads of balloons, birthday cake.

Or, write out 3-4 invites, and give them to the mums of the kids he plays with regularly. Take the first step. be brave!

AFAIC, partys have only really taken off this year (4) with preschool. The younger siblings sometimes have parties as an excuse to get the bigger ones a run around.

Don't,they get free hours at pre school when they reach three? I would take him there and that is likely to open new doors.

Toddler groups are hard work - can be very cliquey. I had the same - we moved when DD was 6 months, and then just as we managed to make a few friends, we moved again - two re-locations in her first year!! For her second birthday I scraped together 2 friends just by approaching mums at toddler group. Her third birthday I managed 3! I have made lovely friends with similar aged children now but it takes time.

Could you ask the toddlers he plays with at toddler group - just casually invite the mums to pop by for a slice of cake, that's what I did. Everyone loves a party invite! I did mine on a weekday too as often mums are at a loose end and will go to anything (I know I will )

Are you planning to send him to nursery/pre school when he's 3? I'm a nursery teacher and some of the children start having parties with their friends once they are at nursery/pre school. Up until that stage, I'm not sure there's much point. Don't worry, you haven't missed out on anything.

My kids didn't really make friends until they were three.

This post struck a chord with me! Although I have lived in the same area since before having children, I have often worried about not being part of a friendship group and the potential impact of this on the DCs. For example, some people seem to meet up every week and their children probably get to know each other quite well. However, I would say not to worry. I think under three they don't really need "friends", but benefit from the social interaction at toddler groups. I'm not actually sure if my DS would like to spend more time with other toddlers - they tend to compete for toys! He will probably start making his own friends when he goes to nursery.

I have found things have improved a little over time. I started meeting up with some mums for cake one afternoon a week, although this fizzled out when one of them went back to work and the place we used to meet closed down. I've also recently met up with a couple of mums from one toddler group I go to. One has a DD a year older than my son and they sort of play together. It may be worth being brave and asking someone you chat to at toddler group if they'd like to meet up sometime.

For DS's third birthday (not till November but already getting anxious about it!) we will probably just take him on a day trip somewhere, and not bother with a toddler party unless he specifically asks for one. (We will just do a family party with DH's sister and her children coming up).

I didn't do parties for the DCs until they were 4 or 5, and they really didn't notice at 3 that they didn't have a party. I don't think children that age really have friends. They have children they know through nursery or because you are friends with the mum etc.

Don't worry there is plenty of time for friends, and parties. Have a party at home for you and any family that will be more than enough!

This could have been me a couple of years ago. Invite a few adult family, call it a party and make a cake - kid will not know the difference (I did find myself avoiding books about partys for a while after though). I am outgoing and I still found it impossible to meet people when I moved country when DC was 9 mo. DC is now 4 1/2 and it is FINALLY getting better - she made friends at nursery and I approached the mums and invited for playmates (less embarrassing when your children are obviously good friends as it made me feel less friendless, more just helping my kid). And don't blame yourself or feel you have inhibited your child - your ds has obviously been around other children and has friendships, he will fit in well at nursery and then make proper friends that actually suit.

Thanks for these replies - you really have made me feel a lot better!

I agree that they don't really have proper friends at this age, rather just children of their mums friends. That's the problem really, if he had definite friends at toddler groups then I wouldn't feel so odd approaching the parents.

I think I will just maybe try and get some family round and have a cake and candles and then he can go to the zoo on another day as well. (and avoid stories about parties for a while - thanks for that idea!)

The ideas about randomly inviting kids from toddler group were good but I'm not sure I'm brave enough really - especially on a week day with no dh to support me.
He will start nursery in January so hopefully he will make some friends there and I will make more of an effort with the parents.

If you did decide you wanted to ask kids from toddler group, don't stress yourself by organising a party - just tell the other mums that you are going to take your ds to a nearby soft play centre on a particular day at whatever time and it will be a little treat for his birthday, and they would be most welcome as you know your ds likes playing with their dc (will charm them). Don't tell ds that other children may be coming, in case they don't come, then it will be a fun surprise for him if they do. I doubt the other mums would snub your invite, but they might assume it's not a formal invite and you'll have other people there, so it isn't important if they aren't able to make it.