I have a 5mo - am I mad to contemplate trying for another?

[gretagrape]

Hi. I am 39 and 2 years ago was told by NHS and also private clinic that my chances of conceiving naturally were "slim to none" - very tactful! Got pregnant 6 months later, which ended in miscarriage, then pregnant again a few months after that which has resulted in my fab little baby boy.

I would like to have another baby if possible but I realise that I don't have years to contemplate the idea especially based on my fertility results. It's not a massive yearning, if my son is our only child I will still be happy and massively grateful but I suppose if we are going to try it needs to be in the near, rather than distant, future.

I'm wouldn't be going into it with rose-tinted glasses by any means - my son had tt, reflux, cow's milk allergy (though my breast milk) and eczema so the first few weeks were pretty horrific for him, me and my husband, so it's not that I expect it to be a breeze 2nd time time round!

Am I mad to even think of this when my son is still only 5mo? Will I cope?? Should I leave it a certain amount of time due to having had him by c-section?

Ideally, I understand you're best off waiting a whole year before becoming pregnant again after csection to reduce risks of rupture, but people do beforehand. May be best to ask for an appointment with your obstetrician to discuss.

I have a 3.2yr old and 4m old and it is hard, but not half as hard as my friend who had 2 under 2. You'd be having a new baby just as your pfb is learning to run away from you on busy roads, starting to tantrum and getting fussy with food. You'll cope but you have to enjoy it too, or at least survive with your sanity intact. Hats off to mums who manage 2 with such a short gap.

On the other hand, I can understand with your history wanting to get trying ASAP. And you never know how long it will take. If you have great support, that will help enormously.

Tough choice OP. Good luck.

I personally wouldn't my friend as 2 a year and 5 months apart and her eldest doesn't get half the attention that DS (an only) gets which my friend finds very hard and has a lot of guilt. She also says she doesn't enjoy them as much as she did when she only had 1 because she's so tired and busy. I decided against another for at least a couple more years so I can really enjoy DS and also so I can enjoy another baby since DS1 would be at nursery.

I will add though my friends youngest is only 2 months so it may get better and I am 27 and have no known problems so I can't say if I would feel different in your circumstances

I would say it depends on why you were given such poor odds of getting pregnant. If it's an age related reason (fsh etc) then I would say go for it and just accept that if you do get pg quickly you will have a pretty horrible year or two while they are little. but you can get through that, and I think that's better than waiting and not getting pg and always wondering if you could have had 2 if you'd tried earlier.

if your finances permit, could you hire in help eg an au pair or mothers help, to get you through the 2 under 1 stage?

Our poor odds were due to FSH levels and also AMH (think it's AMH? basically it's a more reliable test than FSH to determine ovarian reserve). So this means that even IVF isn't feasible - if I couldn't have one naturally the only option would be egg donation which we'd already decided we weren't comfortable with.

So I guess there's a lot of thinking to do - I do have support as we moved near my parents and sis-in-law so we wouldn't be hours away from everyone where we lived before, but still at the end of the day it's us that will have to deal with everything day and night. Unfortunately finances wouldn't be likely to stretch to an au pair but my parents are up for taking our son for a day a week once I go back to work in January so I guess if that could carry on if I had a new baby that would be something.

Thanks all.
x

Hmmm, that does make it tricky.

There's some info here about trying again after CS.

Considering your second post, if I really wanted a second child (and I have to say it is lovely however hard), I'd just go for it sometime between 6-12 months after.

Good luck.

I had two fifteen months apart in my twenties. It was bloody hard work! I have a four month old now, in my late thirties and it's even harder. The trade-off is the relationship between the older two siblings which I didn't have. I think it was worth it.
How much slack can you give yourself in terms of time out of work, a cleaner, helpful grandparents etc?

I want to put a different view forward , in that I had 15 months between my first two, it was very very hard for six months while they were both small, but the bond between them was fabulous. There are advantages for having two close together.

My first had tt, milk protein intolerance etc like your lad, so I can empathise. I was still breast feeding when I became pregnant and the change in the milk caused abrupt weaning, as he did not like the change in the taste. So my only regret was the weaning earlier than I would have chosen.

With age against your side I would say go for it, however I have heard it advised not to get pregnant within a year of a c-section, so maybe that would be a reason to wait?

Hope it all works out for you.

I have 19 months between DC2 and 3, 15 months between DC3 and 4 and 13 months between DC4 and 5.
It's been tough at times and still can be even though they are now in their teens and approaching teens.
At times the arguments are non stop and other times they are so close.

Blimey Myliferocks, that's a handful!

I think I'll get the medical view sorted out first because I'm not going to blindly ahead if that could jeopardise my health/pregnancy so that could mean waiting a few more months anyway - maybe that will be good, kind of an enforced time for us to really mull it over.

My gut feel is the same as Notmyidea - the short term pain/chaos would hopefully be outweighed by the long term gains.

Thanks
x

My two are 13 months apart and if I had my time again I would wait until pfb was at school. Bloody hard work with 2 and very difficult to give both the attention they need. Understand about your situation but to be honest I would say just enjoy your baby and don't be too proactive about ttc x

I'm not sure about the C section, I'd ask a doctor about that but otherwise nothing should stop you trying. I got pregnant with DS when DD was only six months (and breastfed :) so I have the 15 month gap. DD also suffered of terrible reflux so the first four months were really bad and I can't say I enjoyed my time off from work. Before I got pregnant second time I was actually yearning to go back to work! It took me two children to really start to enjoy motherhood. I feel more confident, DS is a happy little boy (no colic and reflux, just "happy spitting"). So it doesn't have to be the same second time if you had a difficult baby first time round. DD is a lovely little girl now and DS is just a happy baby. So everything is just fine at the moment... Yes, it's a lot of work but it doesn't feel too much more than it was with one. It's manageable and it "forces" you to be more organised which is a brand new skill for me :)

My sister and I are 16 months apart. My mum didnt have the same issues as you with fertility etc but she wanted a nice close age gap. She had a horrendous birth with me but went in to have a better one with my sister. Shes always said its hard work but my sister andI have such a lovely relationship. She also went on to have my brother 2 years later. So had 3 under 5. I have great memories of childhood and think the dynamic was lively.

The fact that you would be going in armed with all the facts and not under the illusion that it would be easy is going to make a huge difference.

My friend got pg when her ds was 3 months old. She had her second 4 months ago. She is 37. She loves it and will be teying for another one once her body has healed enough. She has a very supportive partner and that goes a long way to help with sleep deprivation and general chaos.

Probably of no help really, just wanted to let you know that it can work and be lovely :)

You are right about just enjoying my son and not being proactive - we never expected him to come along in the first place so the fact that we have him is enough if there won't be another.
I just wanted to see what others thought of the idea so I appreciate everyone's honesty about the highs and lows!

Hi - am on my phone so haven't read the other replies in full but just wanted to add my experience. We tried for a while and had a MC before we had DS. He was born by EMCS when I was 36 and DH was 47. We were told our chances of falling pregnant naturally would be greater if we took advantage of the fertility high after DSs birth. I was told that a 3 month period was enough in terms of csection but we waited till DS was about 8-9 months (I think) and as he was walking by 9 months I was reassured that I wouldn't have to do as much lugging around when (if) I did fall pregnant.

DD was born by VBAC when DS was 20 months old. She's now 7 months old and I can honestly say I found being pregnant with a toddler much harder than having 2 under 2. Obviously the first 8 weeks or so are hellish but the first 8 weeks with DS were hellish and I only had him! I would say by the time DD was 4 months old that we had comfortably found our stride and were settled into a wee routine. I don't really have any family support nearby so we kept DS in nursery 3 days a week for the first 2 months, then cut down to 2 days and now just 1 day. Getting out of the house is essential so you have to accept your house will be chaos a lot of the time.

DD adores DS and vice versa and already they sit and giggle at each other. In the early days I had a few hours crying that I had been selfish and that DS wasn't getting as much of me as he deserved. Now the opposite is true - my being on maternity leave again with him that little bit older has meant we've had more time to play together and because of the small age gap, DD & DS are happy to do the same activities and enjoy toddler groups etc while I stuff myself with coffee and cake.

Good luck whatever you decide but don't be put off. DS had terrible allergies and DD had reflux and even with that we survived!

I have a 2 year gap between mine, and it was hard work but it does get the nappies and pushchair stage out of the way quicker!

One thing though, don't assume that a small age gap means that dc will bond and play etc. Sometimes yes, not always - there are only 16 months between dh and his younger dsis and as kids they really couldn't stand each other!