Stroppy 8 year old son, I've just lost it.

[MalcolmTuckersMistress]

My eldest can be a nice boy, he's clever, funny and very loving.

However, not a day goes by when he doesn't turn into a nasty little back chatting shit and I try to remain calm but I've just lost it big time with him and screamed so hard at him my throat hurts.

I'll gove an example. He won't be told to do ANYTHING. I ask him nicely to tidy up and he does it for about two minutes then he stops and starts pissing around. I eventually find myself nagging at him and he starts bellowing at me, screaming at me telling me he hates me, I'm the worst mother in the world, and I'm an evil, evil witch. Iphe goes on and on and on, he stomps his feet just explodes.

I have two others DD who is 5 and DS2 who is 3. They are starting to copy his strops and the way he speaks to me although both of them are easy to take a telling.

DS is also EVIL to his sister and constantly horrible to her making her cry, hitting her, telling her he hates her, wishes she was dear etc etc, and I've had enough.

His dad works all the time at the moment and doesn't see these explosions and by the time he's home the kids are long since in bed. Basically we have to do distance parenting over the fucking phone and he never really tells him off because he's a daddy's boy and they get on great when he's not busy. Occasionally DS will over step the mark when DH is around but it's never ever what I have to deal with.

I just don't know what to do any more. I've tried confiscating and rewards which works up to a point but its these explosions of temper, yelling and screaming I simply can't deal with any more. I just don't now what to do. Especially since the others are starting to follow his lead.

How do you deal with it?

Really feel for you, that's so hard. Especially as you're doing it alone most of the time. My eldest DS has also always been hard work - not quite in the same way, but demanding, never doing as he's told, answering back, just relentlessly hard work. It makes you want to scream at them. Not sure what advice I can offer - the only thing that has any impact here is taking away PS3/laptop/anything electronic. Not just banning it, but unplugging it in front of him and saying, firmly, "you will not be having any of this back all the time you are rude to me/hit your sister". Keep it to 2 things at the moment. And repeat it - every time he is rude/hits his sister, go and unplug it all and take it away. Lock it somewhere. Let him scream and swear. He'll get the message. Poor you, much sympathy.

And this very visual approach will show your younger DC that it's not acceptable, and Mummy aint to be messed with.

No real advise just a bucket of sympathy. I have three (9,8,6) and am on my own much of the time. It's bloody hard work isn't it.
My 9 year old DS has moments like this but not as extreme as you describe.
I isolate him in his room for 9 mins to allow us both to cool down and then speak to him rationally about his behaviour.
Mine constantly fight. All the time. Physically and verbally. I ignore unless its getting very physical. And I have learnt over time by sneaky observation that it is it always my eldests fault and that quite often his younger sister is the antagonist.
I also think it is so hard to get time alone with each child. I think that can help. If it an ever be arranged at the weekend so your DH has two and you take one or vice versa. I have to work really hard at my relationship with DS1 as the sun shines out of DH back side as far as he is concerned..
Sorry not much actual help there!

Not always the eldests fault sorry I pad typing

Oh I completely get you!!!

My ds is exactly the same, only worse (honest!!). He's seven. He says the same things (adding how stupid I am) and it will happen at the slightest provocation. He also damages furniture when he's angry. He's worse with me, but still does it with his dad. His little brother copies him, but like yours, he can be disciplined as normal and seems to 'know' this is not the right way to behave.

He gets his things confiscated as punishment, and gets banned from screen time. It has limited impact.

If we didn't also have an older son, we would be blaming ourselves. But he is great, and always responded to discipline in a textbook way.

So first things first, don't blame yourself!

I really feel for you. It's so difficult and I haven't found any technique that works consistently but the following work sometimes:

• confiscate his favourite toy/gadget have a reward chart with different sections for each behaviour so he can see where he needs to make an effort (we have 'being gentle' for hitting and 'speaking nicely' for shouting iyswim? as well as sections where he can see he does do well eg going to bed, sharing - so it's not too* demoralising for him). For my own peace of mind, I:
• read 'How to Talk' at regular intervals!
• walk away when he is being particularly challenging (if we're at home). I even lock myself in the bathroom for 5 mins until I've calmed down We also have a system where ds has to do something to make better whatever he did wrong. He can't just say sorry. As I say, they've worked with varying degrees of success but we had a massive tantrum this morning and now I've said he can't go to an event today that he was looking forward to attending. I'm not sure if that will help or not

Yes reading "How to talk" did help me - it's not a long term fix, but it does remind you how to speak to the stroppy git cherished child without screaming at them.

No real advice to give at the moment, but much sympathy - have been going through similar with our 7yo DD. One trigger for her is blood sugar levels - she's a bugger for only eating a tiny amount at a time, and fairly fussy especially around unfamiliar food, and gets a real red mist descending out of the blue when she's hungry. The transformation from screaming banshee to standard human being, when you can finally persuade her to eat, is quite astonishing.

I was going to recommend you read "How to talk so kids will listen" too. It totally opened my eyes to how I was making situations a whole lot worse. It seemed we had fallen into every parenting trap!

mlame, my 7 year old is the same. When we see the signs we start to hover with offers of food. He might scream at us that he is not hungry, or that he doesn't like whatever is on offer (also v fussy now, although he used to be great with food), but we persist. Just a few mouthfuls and some semblance of normality can be (temporarily) restored.

Re books: I could recommend loads with great advice and strategies. We've tried it all. The '1,2,3 magic' ones are good, but our little guy is sometimes so oppositional that he spends all day in and out of time out (and all 'time out alternatives' are used up!). You do have to stick to it though.

Nothing is ageing me faster!

Cheers Vortex - at least we're not alone, eh...

Will have to get a copy of 'How to Talk'!