Does anyone have experience of parenting with a bipolar partner?

[Jolleigh]

Me and my partner are expecting in March and unfortunately he hasn't been coping with the pregnancy well despite it being planned.

He's bipolar and also quite selfish...unfortunately this ends up working out that one of his depressive triggers is as simple as not getting his own way. And if he's on the depressive side of things, he can occasionally get quite nasty.

We've always worked through this, but now I'm pregnant he's going through his ups and downs much more frequently. He also seems intent on drinking every weekend, heavily, as a release, and has tonight gone out despite me being flattened with morning sickness.

I'm wondering what people's experiences are of parenting with a bipolar partner? I know I'll need a lot of patience but I need to know that the effort won't all be mine.

Both to bump and to add that he didn't come home last night. I've been awake since 2 worried sick. His phone is off.

No advice I'm sorry. Didnt want to read and run. Do you have a good support system (mum friends etc) ?

Sorry I can't help with any advice but I'll offer a hand to hold til someone wiser comes along

Firstly, I hope your DP is home safely.

I don't have a partner with bipolar, but my mother does and is also inherently selfish. I'm sorry to say that her disease had a massive impact on our childhood, but far more so was her selfishness. I mean this very kindly, but if he is so volatile and prone to nastiness you really need to think very hard about the limits your child should be exposed to. It's no longer just about what you can tolerate. I wish someone had considered that for us. It will be a very hard balance/choice for you.

Ask him to go back to the psychiatrist for advice, CPNs could and should be heavily involved. Talk to your HV too.

Sorry to not be more positive. Hopefully someone will be along with a more cheery story. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. He eventually strolled in completely unharmed. At 7:15. Unfortunately was just another selfish and uncaring incident where he didn't see the point in letting me know he'd missed the last metro home as according to his wasted little brain, I'd be asleep. Not sure where he's been but I've been up every few hours for the loo since falling pregnant.

HP - those are the kind if things I'm now being forced to consider. I hope there are people who have managed to make this work without it being damaging for the children. He's gotten so much worse since I fell pregnant that right now he's not the man I fell in love with.

Hi, my husband was diagnosed w/ bipolar II when our child was 3 1/2 last year. We have been together 14 years. He is happy to take his meds and see his dr, so no issues there and I can see a huge improvement in his well being compared to before he got on meds.
He is a fantastic Dad, when he is up for it, but needs a lot of sleep to keep the depression at bay, which means I am the main carer both during the week (we both work, but I only part time) and the weekend. He is happy to take the reins for a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon, but I have to 'prep' him and I haven't been able to go for a weekend away as I would be too worried he would snap.
We rarely do anything as a family or socialise together and when we do, I have 'prep' him days beforehand and on the day he is likely to not feel up for it and stay home.
So I end up doing most things on my own with the child and it makes me feel really resentful and somewhat lonely, as it's not the partnership I had hoped for. At the same time, I know he cannot help it, but sometimes I just want him to at least make it look like he is trying (which is properly completely unreasonable on my end).
I am at a stage where I know I need to get some help as I am getting angrier and angrier, but I can't really talk to my friends (they kindly ask about how he is, but I am yet to have anyone ask how I am), so I am hoping to join some sort of support group just so I can vent without worrying.
Sooooo my advice would be, make sure you have support of friends/family who understands and respect you and your partner's situation.
Make sure you can take time off.(the first 3 months' with baby will be a survival challenge - but just hang in there).
Best of luck :)

Thank you so much Alberta . I recognise a lot of what you describe of course. I'm thinking I may need to revisit the meds conversation with him at some point...he point blank refuses. I definitely acknowledge that certain aspects are going to be an uphill struggle. I'm just very concerned that he won't be able to control his behaviour in front of the child...I couldn't live knowing I've inflicted that upon them. How is your husband with your child? Do you think your child is aware of the differences between the ups and downs? (Sorry, I know these are some quite personal questions. )

So that you're in this position OP.

My ExH was diagnosed with Bi-polar when our DS was 15months. It was too late for us. He suffered an extreme breakdown the day DS was born and although he eventually sought help, his appalling behaviour and reluctance to be honest with his mental health team, meant that I left him.

He wore me down to the ground and although I could clearly see that he loved DS and DS loved him, it would be damaging to all of us if I stayed. He still has contact with DS but it was definitely best that we left.

For all of us, including ExH. In the end, he really couldn't cope with the pressures of being a full-time parent.

Thanks for sharing Dione. I know these experiences are an extremely personal thing to ask people to talk about.

It's pretty much that exact situation I'm worried about. I couldn't parent in anything less than an equal partnership unless I was alone...I think I'd come to resent it far too quickly. I think it will probably be a case of time revealing all, but I wish there was some hard and fast rule as to how this will go.

Me too Jolleigh. But there aren't. My only advice to you is don't be too strong.

You know what you can cope with. Once he goes beyond that, it's time to leave. Don't doubt yourself. No matter what he or his/your family say: You and you alone will know if and when it's time to end it for the benefit of all of you.

BTW, congratulations on your pregnancy Jolleigh. I wish you, your DP and your baby health and happiness.

I definitely have support from my family should I need it (mum seems to think bipolar is an imaginary condition and is therefore disgusted by some previous episodes in which I've been mistreated). I'm fast approaching my limit already unfortunately with the recent behaviour. He's always refused to medicate or go to therapy, but if this continues, that may be the ultimatum I need to pose. The stress is making me ill and can't be good for the baby.

Thanks ...it'll work out alright in the end, however this turns out. I'm not one to stick around in relationships I'm not happy in. Life's too short.

Jolleigh, life is indeed "Too short". My only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner.

But at least I can look DS in the face (now and forever) and say "I did my best to keep us a family", and he knows that I am telling the truth.

I have to say OP, that if you mean abuse by "mistreatment" then the risk posed to your unborn child is enormous.

I know this is the harder option, but having been through my childhood, I would tell him now that he either seeks help, with medication, or leaves. If he cares about this child, he will get help, he will take the drugs. The worst times of my childhood were when my mother decided she didn't want to take them anymore. She became a single parent when we were primary age and it really wasn't good.

Please, please, sort this now, before the baby comes along. A baby can make a rational, healthy person go right to the edge of what they can stand. An person with uncontrolled bipolar is downright dangerous IMHO.

I am very sorry for you OP, and your partner, and indeed your baby. But please don't wait til crisis hits.

I don't have any experience of this. But do have experience of a relationship failing when DC was 5months. My biggest regret was that the relationship hadn't ended when I was pregnant. I am a good mum and regret that my attention was divided dealing with bs from my ex when my baby was brand new. After a 12yr mostly happy relationship I am being completely honest when I say my biggest regret is tainting the 1st few months of my babies life by not being completely in it.

I so wish I had walked out when pregnant.

What a tough situation to be in. I do really think you have to be strict with your partner and put down an ultimatum of drugs & therapy.

Although DH shows some bi-polar traits, he isn't actually bi-polar, however his mother was. It has seriously fucked him up mentally and occasionally makes him a very very difficult person to live with (not to mention the stuff he struggles with himself on a daily basis because of the insanity & neglect he suffered as a child).

I know as an adult you can rationalise things and put up with them (and presumably you love your partner!), but for the sake of your child you have to be stricter about what is acceptable.

My Partner has type1 Bipolar and I am pregnant with twins and have a 3 year old. My partner is 40 and was diagnosed at 19, has been hospitalised many times and has been on lots of different types of medication. Latterly, lithium 1200mg has worked for him over past few years. He can get really nasty at times and on occasion I have asked him to leave and sleep at a friends because the ranting and irritability has become too much - I have to protect my son from his moods. Insight on his part is the best weapon against illness. I think we agree on what his symptoms can be. If I say 'stop ranting', he sometimes realises what he's doing, goes for a cigarette and stops and then apologises. Sometimes not. When he doesn't, I have to leave the house. This is tricky with a young son! So glad that I have a car! He is a great dad in so many ways. Mood swings and ultra sensitivity and low self esteem effects can become intolerable. I too often feel as though I have another child- like a teenager who happens to be 15 years my senior! He is so disorganised. I practically keep his diary for him.. I am starting to step back as I realise that years of hospitalisation and arrested development may mean that he still has to make his own mistakes and learn from them I.e keeping a diary, being organised etc. this is the first time I have sought counsel other than from his CPN who doesn't answer my calls.

My dp has mental health problems and we have a ds who is 2.9. Things were bad a year ago and he was hospitalised, the only thing that kept us together was his willingness to try and get better. He is on medication and has therapy, he knows if he stopped either of these things before he is recommended to then it would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds harsh but I have to protect my ds and myself. I would give him an ultimatum but be prepared to stand by it. I love dp very much couldn't stay if he wasn't willing to try to get help.

Hi Jolleigh,

I was googling parenting with a bipolar spouse as I have a similar situation to all on this thread, I have a husband with bipolar and experience the same challenges mentioned here raising our daughter together.

Just wondering what happened with you? Are you still together and how has it been raising a child together?

Hello Bianca,
I was also looking things up and am in the same (?) situation.

Sorry long post, I couldn’t just read and run.

I’m a FTM to an 8 week old and my partner has bipolar.

We have just got through his first episode since baby has arrived and it was really hard going. Normally I can cope but lack of sleep and a newborn I just didn’t have the energy I did previously to deal with it so I suggest putting strategies in place to help.

Before baby I did the majority of housework to ensure that he didn’t get over tired- I suggest you increase the amount he does around the house now so he gets used to it as you will not have time once baby is here.

Make sure you have plenty of meals in the freezer for when baby arrives, any couple do this but even more important for us to ensure we can make something quick and easy especially if partner is not well.

I am very lucky with a good support network so I have friends or my dad coming over to give me a hand or hold baby whilst I shower etc if partner is not well.

I make him sleep in another room. I breastfeed and therefore he cannot he’ll overnight. I would rather he slept and therefore is more use to me in day with baby than him having a bad sleep and bringing him into an episode.

When he is in an episode his obsessions get worse and he constantly repeats himself and cannot stop. I get his mum to ring him to just ask about his day. He is obsessed with his parents and cannot do no wrong and so speaking to them gives him something else to focus on and therefore gives him the oppprtunity to reset himself and ‘get back on track’.

These things may not work for everyone but they have helped me.

A partner with bipolar is not easy but putting some strategies in place will ensure you have support during the times they are not well and for you to focus on the times they are feeling better and what a good parent they are to your child