Stupid question re. controlled crying and "just" crying

[RainboxFX]

Right, I have a four week old baby and I am not leaving him to cry at all if I can possibly help it. Obviously if I am on the toilet or something he may have to grizzle for a moment, but I am doing what I can to avoid it.

I have heard that controlled crying is bad for babies who are very young especially and I understand the arguments why. I have no intention of doing this.

However, in the last few days there are some hours when I just cannot comfort DS at all, so I am left holding him or walking around with him while he screams. IS there a difference in his head between this and controlled crying? Does being with me even if I am not able to stop the crying help offset his stress?

I would say yes, being held even if he seems unconsolable will still help him. Some babies do suffer from colic in the first three months which mean they might cry for 3 hours or more a day and you can try lots of stuff to settle them, and it might work for a minute or two or longer but sometimes it doesn't work.

If you're holding him though you're still reassuring him that someone is there, he can smell you and feel your touch and more importantly, he has cried and someone has responded to him and given him attention - this all helps him build attachment and the fact that you are unable to settle him doesn't negate the positivity he gets from being held and comforted by you.

A baby left crying by itself isn't getting any reassurance from its carer that its loved and looked after, it's crying (the only instinct it has to attract attention) and nobody is coming to help him - I think there is a world of difference between the two scenarios.

Think of yourself, something bad happens in your life (break up with partner etc) you're distraught, you're crying - do you feel better crying alone in your room with no-one there, or crying in a room with a friend rubbing your shoulder - you're still crying because you're upset and your friend can't sto that, but you have the comfort of someone to listen to you and you don't feel lonely.

That's my views on it anyway - others might disagree.

i agree with you!

Yea don't worry my son would scream for hours on end with me holding him at that age. It's not going to developmentally damage him at all, you are there and you are reassuring him.

To be honest though I don't think short course of controlled crying in an older baby is damaging either (obviously not in a baby of your age though!). Studies which have found developmental harm in babies who have been left to cry have been based on highly neglectful family situations not short courses of sleep training - but it is def a case of different horses for different courses.

Don't beat yourself up some babies just cry more - with my DS bouncing up and down on one of those big maternity balls really seemed to help!

Yes totally different.

I'm sure you'll have a checklist of things for a crying baby but these are some magic things I've found: bouncing on a gym ball as above, NOT the same as just jiggling, has to be tried to be believed; also, the "tiger in the tree hold" just google it if you haven't seen it done; or just take a bath with the baby.

Hth. DS used to scream for hours too, partly reflux and colic, partly because he was hungry. I ebf and he was born 2-9th centile and then settled at 50th centile, so HV and I were happy. When I weaned and added formula at 6-7m he shot up to 91-98th centile where he has been for height and weight since.

Hang on in there, 6wks is usually a big turning point.

Sometimes they are just in pain or expressing their feelings, just hold him through his discomfort, talk to him etc let him know you're there. Crying in itself is not a bad thing, it actually releases stress hormones in your tears. Crying alone is horrible though, which is more of what is meant by the term 'controlled crying'.