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Finding it so, so, hard

8 replies

awaywiththepixies · 29/08/2013 00:18

I have 3 children. The eldest is nearly a teen. The others are under 5. I sep'd from my husband last year and I am in the process of divorcing him. I am a SAHM, having lost my job 4 years ago. I am really struggling with being a single parent. I hate it. I have no energy (I sleep about 2 or 3 hours a night and this has been going on for a long time). I have no patience with the kids and the incessant whingeing and arguments. I have no money and spend so much time stressing about bills I cannot think straight. I feel totally bleugh, bored and desperately unhappy. My youngest is always asking me "mummy are you happy?" And I'm not. It's obvious I'm not - even to a 3 year old. How do I get beyond this? How do I stop resenting them(which I'm ashamed to say I do).

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HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 29/08/2013 00:24

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds really tough! Are your parents able to step in and provide you with some respite, or a close friend? It's ok to ask for help and support.
You may feel like a failure right now, but to your kids you are a hero

pommedechocolat · 29/08/2013 00:24

2-3 hours a night is not good. Is this because of child wake ups? Have you tried pills etc?

I would say you need to address the sleeping first and foremost.

Chottie · 29/08/2013 00:28

Firstly practical things:
Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to and is ex paying you child support?
Does your ex have the two youngest to sleep over? It sounds like you need some good quality sleep
Are you eating properly? if not this can make you feel run down and tired
Do you have friends with children to meet up with? your children will have a run around and you will have some adult company.

I am sorry that things are tough, but it will pass, the children will grow up and go to school and you will have time to yourself.

Have you thought about re training? Colleges are enrolling now and lots have nurseries where you could leave the two youngest.

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awaywiththepixies · 29/08/2013 00:28

No my parents aren't able to help a deal because of health problems. No friends able to help. I have seen precisely no one this summer. I have become the energy vampire that people avoid.

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awaywiththepixies · 29/08/2013 00:35

I think I'm getting all the benefits I'm entitled to but only about half of my mortgage is paid. My ex pays very little but is self employed and earns relatively little.

My diet is terrible.

I keep thinking about trying to get back to my old line of work but I worked in a really stressful field of work and I don't think mentally I could do it anymore. Have no idea what else I could do.

I try to keep thinking "this too shall pass" but I am just hating my life and, worse, the impact I must be having on my kids.

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HotelFromage · 29/08/2013 00:37

Hi Pixies I second Pomme - sort one thing at a time and sleep must be the priority. Good grief! Even Margaret Thatcher apparently got 4 hours sleep a night and she looked a bit cross on that, so I have no idea how you can function on 2-3 hours Grin

Sorry you are having such a shitty time. No wonder your emotional and physical health is suffering after all you've been through in the last year. Do you think you might be having a bit of reactive depression? The no sleep and no energy thing rang a bell with me. Are you waking up in the night? That's a classic depression thing. If so, can you see a (hopefully nice sympathetic) GP for meds or to arrange counselling, or both?

gourd · 29/08/2013 12:17

Is the sleep thing hormonal? I get terrible nights when ovulating and before period (i.e twice a month for about a week at a time), waking 3-4 times inteh ngiht, hot and sweaty and thoughts whirring in my head which makes it hard to sleep.

Relaxation techniques DO help. But you ahve to actaully do them, not sit in front of the TV or read etc, You need to lie down for 30 minutes on top of quilt before you get ready for bed, and do some of the clenching whole body, one bit at a time and then relaxing it thing. This is very good. I found it helps a lot and also good for restless legs after exrecise. Stress/thoughts in head are really terrible for sleep as once you are awake in the night you cant get back to sleep until you clear the thoughts from your head. Dont spend time in the night worrying about problems. Putting them on paper till next day is better - you cant do anything about them in the middle of the night and you are a lot more use the next day if you get some sleep! This is harder than physical relaxation but writing your thoughts (even if it's just shopping lists etc) on paper then leaving them in a safe place to look at tomorrow can really help. Before you go to bed, you can even try making a list of things that stress you, and on one side put things you can do something about, and on the other all the things you cant. The ones you can resolve you can start doing them one by one. You can even pay instalments on bills with some companies especially if you do it by Direct Debit where you often save money as well. Try the Citizen's Advice Bureau for help with paying creditors/bills if you are really struggling. They are very helpful on financial problems.

Poor diet and caffiene will certanly not help. Avoid sugar, starchy foods like potatoes and white bread and pasta and caffeine as much as humanly possible. Eat lots of high quality lean protein (eggs and fish v good) and have long chain carbs like wholemeal versions of pasta, rice (brown rice) and bread and plenty of vegetables. If you are stressed your endocrine system needs all teh help it cvan get, any other stressors such as poor diet or intense/prolonged exercise will make things worse and you'll also end up with lowered immune system and getting frequent viruses and infections.

Go for a walk somewhere green if you can. Or even go and feed the ducks/birds or animals at a farm (on your own, not with kids - arrange for ex to have them whilst you go out). This is very helpful for clearing your head and making everything feel a lot more positive and can help you to start being proactive about changing the things that you can, and not just worrying about things that you can't

waterrat · 29/08/2013 13:43

agree with the others - sleep needs to be sorted or you won't be able to tackle anything else. Is it stress related insomnia? Could you download some free meditation podcasts / get some books on medidtation from the library? If you meditate before bed it might help. Or - go to the doc and get some sleeping pills. If its the kids..perhaps get some help for a few nights from family and tyr to get tough on the sleep.

Do you have anyone you could talk to? I think list making really helps break down problems.

ie. write a list with what you want to change

1 - sleep
2 - getting out more and finding things to do with the kids that are free so you are out of the house and busy all day. will reduce stress and wingeing.
3- can you talk to CAB about your finances?
4 - look at other work possibilities

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