Better balance for the SAH mum - any tips?

[firstimeforeverything]

I have two DSs, v close in age at 15 months and nearly 3. Although the most difficult baby stage seems to be over, I am really struggling to find a good balance for our time at home. I notice DS1, who was always bright and advanced for his age, starting to slip behind his friends with his speech and general learning. DS2 simply doesn't get the time that was dedicated to his brother - fewer groups, no music time, far less reading, etc.

I have a cleaner, and yet I feel like I'm always cleaning and still nothing is ever clean. The boys play really well on their own, and yet when DS2 gets bored and comes for a hug or wanders up with a book, I never seem to have finished what I am doing. I feel really neglectful towards both of them, even though I try to acknowledge when one-to-one time is possible and try to sit down for it.

I feel a like sisiphus - rolling that boulder uphill every day only to find it back at the bottom next morning, never managing to get anything done. And the house feels filthy all the time. Our chest freezer broke about 6 weeks ago and I just discovered today that we forgot to finish emptying it! The resulting sludge at the bottom is so unhygienic I don't even want to touch it. It makes me want to cry, that so much work can be created by one forgotten task, and yet it seems to be happening all the time and it's really starting to get to me...

Sorry if this comes across as one massive whinge, but I quit my job to raise my kids well, not drudge every day while they sit in front of the tv. Do any of you supermums have any tips on balancing your day to day activities so that your kids get plenty of quality time with you?

I can fall into this trap too although have only one DS who is 15mo, work two days and don't have a cleaner. I have been trying to prioritise the household tasks and realise that I am doing the same tasks over and over again because DS makes something dirty so I am now just waiting until the end of the day and doing it once. I have tried to organise as much as I can for the next day the when he goes to bed the night before so our day is less full. This includes making DH's lunch, preparing dinner etc. I try to make a plan and stick to it as much as possible with at least one thing we will do together which has no interruption so today was softplay morning then when he went for a nap I cleaned the kitchen and afterwards we went to the park. I always regret a day cleaning and leaving him to it and when I go to work I always wish I was home playing with him. That's what I try to remember and that helps the balance. After all when you look back at when they were little would you prefer to remember a lovely clean house or having fun with them?

I second don't clean until at the earliest after supper.

I have 2 of similar ages and I try to give dd some one-to-one time when ds is napping, and ds gets time with me now that dd has started nursery.

Don't compare your dses to their friends though - you're doing great

Lower your standards cleaning wise!!

Sounds like you're doing a great job and in all honesty I think it's all a bit of a juggling/balancing act for us all.

I am weeks away from DC2 arriving so have no idea how I'll cope then, but I felt myself like this with DS when he was about 10/11months. Just as I'd set up a little routine for his week, with different groups etc for each day, I ended up working out what cleaning I wanted done and gave myself a weekly plan. It's all fairly realistic as to what I can get done in nap time/DS having a little quiet time. So Mondays for example is kitchen clean, then Tues is laundry day, etc. That way I feel that whilst I don't live in a show home, I know it's clean. I keep Fridays empty and that's our special day to do what ever DS likes. Also sometimes I forget that my DS just wants to help and is more than happy to come do one of my tasks with me and it can be quite fun. So I will give myself longer but let him have a go at putting the bubbles in the washing machine or let him help my wave the duster about. To him it's all just a big game!

Hi I've got a 20 month age gap between my two boys and the eldest boy will be four soon. I feel exactly as you. Before I had kids the house was pretty much pristine but now it's just always a mess in spite of the fact that I feel like I'm almost constantly cleaning (mainly just washing up and tidying the kitchen). I find it incredibly hard to balance looking after the kids and housework, I feel that they spend too much time in front of the TV whilst I'm either cooking (I cook everything from scratch which in itself creates a lot of washing up) or tidying! I crave the neat house I had pre children. I also feel as though DS2 doesn't receive half the attention that DS1 got as a baby. I used to do flash cards with DS1 and consequently, his development of speech was good. With my second, he's almost two and is only just repeating words, a far cry from DS1 that was at this stage when he was one year and three months. I certainly find the best way of combatting the never ending feeling like I should be cleaning is spend a lot of time out of the house. At least if we're out and about the kids get my full attention and aren't constantly being told "I'll be with you in a minute". Have to say I find it tricky giving DS1 individual learning time because his brother has started not wanting to nap for so long in the day. I would use DS2's nap time to spend time teaching DS1 numeracy or the alphabet. DS1 also used to spend DS2's nap time playing with lego that he can't usually play with around DS2 because DS2 will break it up. Anyway, sorry I've not got the answers to your predicament but I completely sympathise and understand how you feel. I did consider implementing a kind of timetable ie play with play doh for half an hour with kids then 11am wash up whilst kids do some 'free play' then read books etc but I'm afraid In spite of my good intentions, the timetable never came into fruition!

Can you afford a nursery day for the boys? My ds has gone to nursery 2 days a week from the age of 1. I clean the house top to bottom both days I'm very particular and so is my dp. I also have no guilt about neglecting him to clean as I know that his nursery days are full of activities and not tv. x

I could have written your post. I think it's just the nature of it rather than you're getting it 'wrong' somehow. I can't believe I used to have a career and now I clean and cook all day and yes I find it brainachingly piss boring dull. BUT I adore the kids and can't bring myself to put them in daycare all day long. Go out more is my advice, have lots of friends with kids same age and try to get a little routine going so read a book after breakfast, or they do an arts project while you make lunch etc, that way it's sort of booked in and it happens.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the support and advice. I have to admit that our house was never pristine, but the sheer amount of clutter, and the never ending list of chores seems to be, well, never ending. But I will try and make some positive tweaks to our routine - and make them routine - to make the days more fruitful for all of us, and try to remember to turn the tv off a bit more! It's a bit sad when your 1 year old walks in with the tv remote...

Much appreciated all round xxx

PS appletarts your post made me laugh out loud :D. You sound suspiciously like you might be, erm, me...

It sounds like you're doing great.
I kept having to remind myself that I quit your job to raise the kids, not to clean the house. So between 7.30am until 7pm (or whatever hours you'd normally be at work) it's about them, not about cleaning/washing/general household mingingness.

1. get them into helping you. Let them "help" you cleaning . Sadly they'll not do a great job, but they will LOVE it (briefly). Try to get them to do whatever task you're doing.Get them to fetch the dirty stuff from the wash basket. If you're cooking, get them to bring you stuff from the cupboards (maybe not the meat cleaver though).
2. Bin/hide/charity shop all those toys which have 1,000,000 small pieces. If any are much loved then hide them, bring them out ONLY when you're going to play with the kids and them. And get them to tidy up afterwards with you ("the sooner the jigsaw pieces are in the box, the sooner we can go to the park") - they learn teamwork, they interact with you, and -a key thing - they're spending time tidying up, not making more mess.
3. Lower your standards. A cliché, but you'll not be a little old lady looking back across your life and remember your beautifully clean fridge; you'll remember 2 little faces looking up at you.
4. Teaching them to be happy will give them a better life than being able to read "c-a-t" on there third birthday would.
5. get them out of the house. Less mess that way, and more sanity. Is there any hobby that you could bring them along to? I volunteer at a local charity and mine tag along, have a fab time and whilst it means I get WAY less done than if I came alone, it's more than would get done if I didn't turn up at all. Think gardening, looking after a wildlife area, visiting the elderly, "befriending" vulnerable adults, helping at local toddler/playgroup, Riding for the Disabled, art therapy, music, whatever floats your boat - lots of places will be so keen on getting help they'll be perfectly happy for you to bring yr kids, even if they are occasionally destructive!