How can I get this across to Ex?

[Rooners]

I'm sorry to be so pathetic in asking this, I feel I should know how to handle it.

Ds is 10, he has been seeing his feckless father roughly once a month for a couple of years.

His dad is great when he's there - well, mostly. Very positive and encouraging, but then it's only for a few hours a month.

Several times he has cancelled and sometimes it gets shifted to another day but I get the feeling it's something he would be happy not to have to do. Usually he cites family plans, etc.

Last month he didn't bother to let us know. We saw his wife by accident and she mentioned they were going on hols, she said Oh, didn't he tell you?

I said, by text, that ds was feeling underwhelmed and like he isn't a priority. Ex said he was 'gutted' to hear that (no he's not) and should he call in after work, I said don't bother, we were busy anyway.

So the 'contact' weekend approaches. Ds has said he does want to see Daddy if Daddy gets in touch. I feel that Daddy may not get in touch, but if he does, ds has asked me if I can tell Daddy that he doesn't want to see him so often - and could I make it so it's my idea, not ds's?

I have asked ds how he wants to do it - like, would he prefer to see his dad only when he feels like it, ie not on a set day - or once a month, still, whenever dad can make it - or something else? Ds said he wants to see him every other month.

I don't want to come across as controlling, or trying to prevent contact, but obviously ds doesn't want his dad to think he doesn't want to see him.

How should I phrase it?

Anyone?

I would try to encourage DS to be honest but if he really doesn't want to then explain to your ex that you have decided it between you you are not forcing DS into the decision and he is fine with it.

I don't think this man deserves to have his feelings protected and I would make it clear that the change is on him and his behaviour not anyone else. Sometimes kids are better off without a parent I certainly was and still am.

Do you think ds really wants to see him less? Or do you think he is rejecting his dad in response to his rejection of him. "I didn't even want to see you anyway!" type thing. Because contact every two months is very seldom.

I wouldn't make out it is your idea, that would seem like you were obstructing contact. I think you need to explain to ds that now he is getting older he gets a say in how contact works and you and his dad will respect his opinion.

Do you think ds would like to see him if he were more consistant and reliable? If so that is what I would be having a sternly worded email to ex about. Cite examples including the holiday one of when he has forgotten about him and insist you have notice of changes a week in advance and confirmation 48hrs in advance that he is having contact (for example).

But if he just doesn't want to see him, I think it is fine to say ds wants to see you every second month instead. As long as you are not concerned his dad is abusive, just let him lump feeling bad.

I wouldn't lie and say it is your idea but I would phrase it as it being hard for ds not having security that the meetings will always take place when he expects them to, and because that is stressful he would be happier with once every 2 months but on a more reliable date. Then it doesn't sound as if ds doesn't want to see him, but that he wants and needs the security and reliability that he deserves.

Thanks, both - it's good to get some feedback on this as I wasn't sure how to proceed.

There's never been a proper formal contact agreement, tbh I have always assumed it's because ex has massive commitment issues.

Then last month it struck me that he only has commitment issues when he doesn't want to be committed...so, he's married to someone else, (could never marry me of course) and he regularly commits to taking her children everywhere and going on holidays with them and so on.

So he can do commitment. (though he has an alcohol problem and is serially unfaithful) he just chooses not to be committed to ds.

Which was a bit of a revelation, and something I want to protect ds from.

Ds is definite on not wanting to see him so often. I have explained over and over that it is totally up to him and I will support whatever he decides. He said could I couch it in terms of his having a lot of stuff to do at the moment - friends to see, homework, 11 plus - and I said that sounded like a good idea.

But I want to be honest with ex as I think he deserves to know that his son is feeling rejected, and that it's his fault, and that ds is doing this in response to a perceived lack of caring or really, of love, from his father.

He hasn't ever become attached to his dad, as we did not live together and he was barely around even till he left when ds was 18 months old.

I think that has to be a good thing given his father's crapness.

Though in a sense, not seeing ds, and hearing that ds has decided he has better things to do, is exactly what ex wants to hear.

He was sent to boarding at 7 and so to him, this is playing out his own perceived rejection (which is clear to me but he would never, EVER admit was a bad thing - best years of his life, etc etc)

It's very sad that he is trying to do to his own child what he feels was done to him.