Feeling conflicted about returning to work

[BotBotticelli]

Not really sure why I am posting this, other than DH doesn't really seem to understand how I feel, and I am hoping there are some other women out there who have felt the same.

DS1 is 9mo, and I am returning to work in 3 months time, just before his first birthday. I am going back to work 4 days a week. DS is going to be in a nursery near our house/the station (I live in the burbs and commute into central London).

I am feeling massively conflicted about my return to work. I have not found motherhood easy: I had a very rocky start, feeding problems, very unsettled newborn, colic, early teething. This, plus the normal sleep deprivation, and probably just the shock of the huge change having a baby entails, meant I suffered pretty badly with PND. I was referred for CBT counselling by my HV when DS was 4mo and I am just coming out the other side.

I feel proud that I am now 'managing' and 'coping' with looking after DS every day. And i feel a strong bond and love for DS now, which I did not feel in the beginning. But I don't really ever feel like I am totally relaxed and enjoying being a FT mum. DS is a very spirited, stimulation-hungry baby, with tendandencies to be grizzly and grumpy and generally quite hard work. DH works v long hours and we have no family help nearby. I am often alone with DS from 6.30am until he goes to bed at 7pm. We go out loads to different baby groups etc cos he gets so bored in our small flat, but most days I get to DS's bed time and feel absolutely exhausted and frazzled, like I have run a marathon.

So in a lot of ways, I am actually looking forward to going back to work. Having a bit of me time, and a bit of normality back in my life. But as soon as I have typed that, I feel wracked by dreadful guilt :( I feel like a terrible mother for thinking this, and I feel like it is probably another symptom of my PND :( Surely, if i was like most 'normal' mums, I would be dreading my return to work??

The worst bit is, I probably don't even need to work, for financial reasons, my DH earns enough that we could probably scrape by on his money alone. If anyone asks I make out like we do need the money, and I wanna take DS on nice holidays etc, but in honesty, the truth is, I want to go back to work because I am lonely, frustrated and often bored being at home on my own with DS every day :( Every morning I wake up and think, oh my gosh, what on earth can I do to keep him entertained for 12 hours today?

And then as soon as I have thought these thoughts, I feel like a terrible person and a failure as a mother. Surely I should be longing to spend as much time with DS as possible?

And so it goes round and round and round in my head.

Sorry for the rant, just feeling really down and conflicted and confused.Hope somebody else has felt like this and can offer soe words of encouragement>>

I started back at work full time on 1st Aug and DD is 6mo on Sunday. My situation is slightly different, because I'm the main earner and DP is home with DD most of the time (she goes to nursery 1 day per week, rising when DP starts his part time job).

I can understand your feeling guilty about going back to work, it's an inevitable emotion IMO. But being a mum doesn't prevent you from being a person in your own right and for me, going back to work has enabled me to reclaim that. I'm not a particularly maternal person and this was important to me - but most important of all, being at work so much has made me really appreciate the time I do have with DD (who, like your DS is pretty high-maintenance!).

If you don't need to go back to work, couldn't you maybe go back 3 days per week? That way you get some grown-up time but still spend most of the week with your DS.

I agree that the best compromise would be to try three days a week which I think will be a lot easier than four. And if you really feel you would rather be an SAHM andyou can afford it then you can always change your mind. But I think you should go back and try or you might think later I wish I had tried to see how it went. Good luck.

There is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty. Not everyone is designed to be a SAHM. I work 4 days a week and know that I am a much better mum because I work. I (still) hate being in the house all day with my DD and DS and even though I think the world of them I need that time at work to be me and to have some brain stimulation.
I found being with a baby all day mind numbingly boring even though you don't even get time to have a hot cup of tea and you are shattered at the end of it.
Go back to work and enjoy it - you'll find you enjoy the time you do have with your DS so much more when you have a bit of distance.

Thanks all. Haggis that's reassuring to hear. I do feel like I will enjoy my time with DS much more when it is not all day every day.

WRT working 4 days vs 3, I did originally ask my employer if I could go back 3 days, but since then I have applied for, and been appointed to, a new more senior role which I will start when I get back. I discussed flexible working during the interview process and agreed with my management that the new role wouldn't be possible over 3 days, but could be done in 4. So it is going to be 4 days and that's not negotiable.

I agree that in an ideal world 3 days might be better than 4, but I don't think that one extra day at nursery is going to make a huge amount of difference in the long term. And for the first 3months I am going to take a day's annual leave every week so DS settles into nursery more gradually: 3 days eventually rising to 4.

I think you sound completely normal to me, I remember feeling exactly the same on maternity leave - what the hell am I going to do all bloody day! The monotonmy of housework and childcare nearly drove me mad. I went back to work at approx 11 months part time initially and then full time 3 months later.

I was really looking forward to going back to work & it didn't have me wracked with guilt I just knew that I wasn't the SAHM type. I had trained 12 years for my career soIi was always definitely going to go back to work it was just a case of when.

To be honest I do find full time work a bit of a struggle now (but I have 2 part time jobs so I'm always on the bloody go). I'm just about to start mat leave again for number two and I'm more than a bit daunted by the prospect of being a full time mum again.

really really really try not to over think things, you sounds like a wonderful mum and sometimes wonderful mums work as well! Just enjoy the next 3 months - I think 9 months onwards is when they start to get a bit more fun xxx

Oh and try and set up an activity for everyday to stop yourself from going loopy

I work f/t, returned when DD was 8mo. I suppose in theory we could get by on DP's salary alone, but it would be ridiculously tight, and also the profession I work in is being royally crapped on by the recession so there are no p/t jobs going. Have a similar commute into London from the suburbs.

I also don't think I am cut out to be SAHM. I felt so much more like me once I returned to work. In an ideal world I would work closer to home or p/t but that's an ideal world. DP works shifts so DD isn't in f/t childcare, more like 4 days a week.

As other posters have said, I feel I am a better mum for being out at work. It suits me personally. I feel happier in myself because I am working, but also my tolerance for the entertainment that is toddlerdom is higher because I'm not dealing with it all day every day. I'm not someone who naturally thinks it is fun to stack dominos into a handbag for 3 solid hours.

The first few months can be very hard, even if you are happy overall with the idea of working. It is difficult getting back into a new rhythm and routine and it's knackering. Also, I've noticed a big difference between a 9mo and an 18mo in terms of how much interaction you can still have with them when you return from work. You might find those first few months all you are doing are feeding, bathing and putting the baby straight to bed - but they grow up so quick, soon you can have more fun with them in the evenings.

I went back to work three days a week when DD was 18 weeks old', having had a very similar experience to you WRT the challenging baby and PND.

I did struggle a bit to begin with, but we soon got into the swing of things. DD is nearly 9 now and I can honestly say that those first months and my returning to work when she was tiny have not affected our relationship at all and we get on great.

I'm pretty sure no-one has ever judged me for going back to work (apart from my own mum ) and I'd like to think most people days are capable of understanding that f/t motherhood isn't for everyone.

Sorry to hear you are feeling conflicted. I felt the same as I approached the end of mat leave and applied for a few local jobs "just in case". As others have said this is really normal. Reading your post I'd say:

• I returned 3 days a week (a senior role in central London, also live in the burbs) but actually found that after a year I wanted to do 4. For me 3 left me feeling somewhere in between a part-time SAHM & part-time working parent - which is actually what I was I guess but I struggled to identify with either. I was really miserable on Thursdays 4 suited me much better. I just made the most of Fridays/the weekend. Just adding this as a successful 4 day example.

• Your work doesn't just provide money; it can provide a sense of self, an identity other than Mummy, time to yourself (going to the loo alone etc!), a social life, and to some extent you can 'future proof'. A bit of a depressing thought but things don't always work out with DPs, so being able to earn a good salary may help you in the future.

Having said all this though, as Viviennemary says you can always decide to be a SAHM in the future.

Good jobs are very hard to find, good part-time jobs are even harder to find. I'd would try this out first to see if you can make it work, if it doesn't try something else.

• And finally, my DS thrived in nursery. He left being able to read a little and write and with a best friend that he still sees a year after leaving. He has lots of lovely memories of being there. He is also very sociable and fits easily into any organised activity. Most of which I am sure is down to his years at nursery.

Enjoy the rest of your mat leave. And hope you feel a bit better about things soon.

I think a good nursery is much better for a baby than a bored, unhappy mother. Staff fully focused on the children, wider range of activities, no housework and shopping to get in the way. Dd thrived. If you have a good job to go back to that you enjoy, it is a no brainer IMHO. This guilt thing is ridiculous really. As long as you are happy and your baby is happy, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I read so many threads by women who cannot get back into the workplace, or who are left practically destitute by fuckwit husbands. I really believe if you have a job/career that you love you should hang on to it for all it is worth. My dd is 9 now. She is happy, independent, doing well at school. I still got lots of quality time with her. I don't regret not spending more time changing nappies. Many parents feel totally differently about it. It's what works for you that matters.