Do you / how do you discipline a 2 year old?

[WannaBeCareerWoman]

I don't think ours is tooooo bad. But he'll have an occasional tantrum in public. If we have to go and he is doing something he really enjoys, he will, without fail, scream and shout and I have to pick him up kicking and screaming. Meals - no way will he sit down and eat for more than 5 mins in public (at home I entertain him like mad), he'll wander off into the restaurant kitchen, etc.

I read 'Toddler Taming' and it pretty much just said they have no sense until 3 or 4 so just live with it. On the other hand, we are visiting in Germany right now, and all the kids are so bloody well behaved, I am thinking I am definitely doing something wrong. It's a bit like that book "French Children don't ... something". I never finished it (oops) but from what I remember, it did not offer any useful advice.

What are your 2 year olds like and how do you discipline them? Any German / French parents out there who can tell me what to do :-D?

Tantrums aren't bad behaviour, they're just a reaction to something they can't cope with. Toddlers can't control their emotions and are easily overwhelmed by them. So to reduce the tantrums you want to try and make life less confusing for them - try to see it from their point of view. So instead of saying "Come on it's time to go now!" when they're having a lovely time and don't want to go, try saying "We need to leave soon. You have time to push that train around 3 times and then we will have to go" (Saying "we're going in 5 minutes" is also pointless because they have no concept of time or what 5 minutes is). Similarly pre-warning of things like "When we get to the big road I need you to hold my hand/go in the pushchair" rather than "Right we're at a road, now hold my hand/go in the pushchair" - basically toddlers like to know what to expect, so routine is good, and lots of pre-warning if anything unexpected is going to happen.

Obviously there will be situations where you have to do something that does upset/anger them and there will be a tantrum but that is a perfectly rational response for a two year old, so don't stress - just carry on with the course of action you had planned before the tantrum. (So, for example, you're in a restaurant and have promised dessert. Your toddler starts tantrumming because maybe the dessert isn't here NOW or for some unrelated reason like he dropped a crayon - you would still give dessert, not withdraw it. But if you've decided not to have dessert and then he starts tantrumming saying he wants it, then don't change your mind - just pay and leave as quickly as possible!) Sometimes reflecting their feelings back to them can help too, because it gives them a name for the feeling and helps them feel like you're actually hearing and understanding them rather than being mean for no reason.

I think it's fairly normal for them to not be great at eating out but this comes with practice. You must keep reinforcing the behaviour you want, though. Perhaps stop "constantly entertaining" him at mealtimes at home? If he's messing about, just take the food away until he's ready to sit nicely and eat it properly. Definitely don't let him run off into restaurant kitchens etc! Perhaps he would be better in a highchair if he keeps getting down? Once he reliably stays in a chair then he can sit on a chair. That's the way I did things - kept restrictions on until DS could be trusted with the responsibility of freedom in any particular situation! I didn't do any naughty step or time out or any other kind of punishment, just kept reinforcing things in this kind of way, if they're not playing with a toy appropriately (hitting etc) then the toy gets taken away, lots of explaining of what was expected/acceptable, pre-warning of stuff and generally this seemed to work well.

German kids are the same really - it just seems that way when you visit somewhere else, I promise you!

I think if it helps to think of it as a safety thing rather than a discipline thing - it's not safe for children to run about in a cafe because there will be waiters with hot drinks, heavy plates etc who might trip over him or drop those things on him, or if he ran into somebody else's table etc. So it's really imperative that he stays at the table however you make that happen.

Distractions like colouring/stickers when you're waiting for the meal are useful, too.

Thanks Yoni that is useful! And very nicely written.