help - dd age 5 convinced she's ugly :(

[PrincessScrumpy]

Completely heartbreaking chat with dd last night. She thinks she looks different to all her friends because she's not pretty - doesn't like anything about her face and thinks her eyes are the wrong colour for her skin (she had bright blue eyes with amazing dark doll-like lashes and blonde hair).
She even said that when she grows up they'll put her in prison for being too ugly.
I don't know where it's come from. We've had issues in the past when school/nursery do healthy eating lessons where dd refuses to eat anything that's unhealthy (ie on the beach she'll refuse an ice cream even though ages stick thin) but this is a whole new level of self loathing and she's so young. I can't think of anything she's seen on tv to get these ideas.
I know all mums think their dc are beautiful but she really is. I feel like i've failed her :(

My dd's only 3 so no direct experience of this as a mum yet but I grew up with a sense that I wasn't thin or pretty, I distinctly remember 'knowing', when I was about 8/9, led to eating disorder etc. I'd go to your dr (by yourself) and see if you can get a referral/recommendation for a child psychologist to discuss what to do/say. But then I'd be in the over reacting side due to my history. I'd also go and have a word at school about whether they've noticed what could have triggered it. Hopefully you get some good advice on here op, there must be books about girls and self esteem...

Goodness poor little mite and poor you, you must be worried sick?!

1. YY to GP re psych referral on the basis of preventative treatment.
2. it would seem from your OP she has self-esteem issues, so look at ways at improving that rather than focus on convincing her she is pretty. I have no doubt she is.
3. show her women who have talents and achievements as well as beauty. Take her to an art gallery and show her how beauty changes through the ages.

My DD is still a baby so I have no experience of this but I have a clinical psychology degree and did child development as part of that. From my limited theoretical experience I'd say your daughter has low self-esteem; perhaps stemming from a sense that she doesn't belong (problems with friends, siblings, feeling different or not quite part of a group). You say she thinks she is different from her friends; perhaps talk to school/nursery and ask them to keep an eye out to see if any children are saying things to her or treating her differently to make her feel she doesn't fit in?

It's not anything you are doing wrong; some children just internalise a lot, so when they are taught about healthy eating they apply the idea directly to themselves and think it relates to them. It's just the way they look at things. All you can really do is keep an eye on things when she is mixing with other children to make sure she isn't being picked on, speak to a professional if you feel she has a serious issue with food, or negative thoughts, and try to build up her self-esteem at home; compliments, extra cuddles to create a sense of security; making sure she feels she has achieved things, so perhaps playing games she can win or getting her to help you with things like baking or planting flowers or drawing and painting and then making a bit of a fuss about how well she has done.

Like I said, my DD is a baby, so everything I've said is theory taught to undergrads a few years ago, so more experienced mums or real professionals will be able to guide you more.

Hmmm part of the group thing makes sense - she has 2 younger sisters who are id twins so that may be having an affect. We do lots of mummy dd1 things but it's hard to do things for all 3 together and dd1 often gets left to get in with it as dtds need me (23mo)

Do you go to any twins groups where there are parents with a 3rd child who you could discuss ideas with? It sounds like it could at least be part of the issue, especially as they are identical twins; she could feel that she doesn't look 'right' because she looks different to them.

I am a twin (not identical) and as children we were always referred to as "Colin (DC1) and The Twins.". My twin and I were always grouped together and family were worried how this would affect my older brother. When we were all young he would get a little present on our birthday so he wasn't the only child not opening presents and he was praised a lot as being a grown up boy who could teach us things. He relished it and although only 2yrs older than us made little reading classes for us and felt really special for being the oldest. I guess there are things you can try and if you have friends with twins you can speak to, this may help. Just don't blame yourself or get too upset as your DD needs to feel that she can talk open it you you without upsetting mummy. Fingers crossed for you all.

I so hope that your DD gets all of the support that she needs, and you too, so that you can both move forward positively.

I'm just here to add to what others have said - no experience of this with my own DC as I have only one atm and he is under 1yo. However I have a very clear memory of being 3yo and thinking I was fat. No one had mentioned those kinds of things to me before but I felt it. It was never picked up and I grew up with awful esteem issues. These were then compounded by later physical development problems and emotional issues with their root in other things. I won't go into all of the details, but the short version is it took me until I was about 16yo to start moving past it thanks to some amazing support in my life. The bit inbetween involved depression, anger issues, insomnia, self-harming and a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I think that as difficult as it is to be faced with it now, it is good that you are aware at this stage and can move forward. I agree with everyone's suggestions to go and seek professional help and I hope everything goes really well. Fwiw SIL had an eating disorder from infancy, DH's family had to go through a lot of professional support but from adolescence onwards she has had a largely healthy approach to food and personal image.

poor little thing, so young for this. But it doesn't mean it isn't real to her - please take up the suggestions to get her help before it bites too deeply.

wishing you both luck. All little girls are pretty by definition and this is so sad.

Your poor D.D and poor you. She sounds absolutley beautiful. I suppose you do anyway but be sure to tell her how beautiful she is, My daughter's 14 and I make a point of drumming into her that she is gorgeous both inside and outside
I think it's so sad that children are facing low self esteem at such a young age.
Please please get some support for both your D.D and yourself. xxx

When my daughter did this we picked her features apart So who's hair do you have whose eyes nose etc Then do you think they are ugly?The answer is always no because most children wouldn't think someone they love is ugly.So if mummy's not ugly and you ve got her eyes daddy's not ugly and you got his hair etc how can you be ugly?.It works really well and puts things in perspective.