How much do you let your 2 yo dictate your day?

[haloflo]

DD 2.4 (and pfb) didn't want to go to soft play today. We got about half way there in the car when she kept telling me she was hot and she wanted to go home.

I came home and she seems ok - colouring watching tv and cutting paper. She isn't climbing the walls so maybe she is a bit under the weather but no temp, cold or obvious signs of illness.

Although I hate soft play I feel awful letting a friend down and was looking forward to a coffee and chat. I wonder if we should have gone anyway. WWYD?

I should add she is home with me as I'm on maternity leave. She starts nursery shortly as I'm returning to work, hence my worries I'm too soft!

I generally let DS (2.5) dictate our day within reason - if its something we need to do (food shopping etc) then we find a compromise so give him the choice of before or after nap, does he want to go to the park afterwards.

If we have arranged to meet a friend it depends - I've been known to cancel soft play and have friends round to us if DS hasn't wanted to go, or we go to theirs instead. If he doesn't want to so something that should be a treat for him I'm not going to force him to do it! Again though, if its something like going out for lunch we tend to still go as I know friend wouldn't go if we didn't and I don't think its fair to make someone else change their plans.

I wouldn't have gone home if I had arranged to meet a friend. I would have said 'well we've arranged to meet X, let's go and if you want to sit with Mummy and do colouring instead of running about then that's ok'.

If we were going on our own then I would have come home.

I've got an elder child to think about as well though, so my two year old doesn't get to dictate very much - in fact I don't think it would occur to him to think that he could.
I'm trying to think back to when DS1 was 2 (he's now 5) and I think I would have gone with the same response - that it isn't ok to let people down at the last moment and try and make the best of it.

Does them no harm to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them!

If I had arrange to meet a friend and the cancelled at the last minute for no real reason I would be a bit miffed.

I think that if arrangements have been made then you shouldn't really let a child dictate to change them without a good reason.

Not usually to the point where it involved letting a friend down- but tbh it would depend partly on the child: if a usually amenable child, like ds, had suddenly seemed very unwilling to get going I might have thought he was under the weather; if it was dd I would just have assumed she was being her contrary self.

I think at the time I thought I had good reason but looking back maybe not? I think I was thinking "£4 just to watch you colour" when really I should have been thinking of my friend. Point taken this time. Thanks all.

Agree I wouldn't have cancelled if meeting a friend.
In fact I probably would have taken child anyway if we were already in the car. My kids often complain when going out but nine times out of ten they have a great time once we arrive (and they always have fun at soft play). But I can understand not wanting to fork out for nothing.

I am happy to let toddlers dictate however if I had arranged to meet someone I would have gone as I'm imagining they (and their child) have hauled themselves and might be disappointed.

I would still go as wouldn't want them thinking they can just change their mind and have me act on it. Unless I thought they were genuinely ill. I would want to see if it was a genuine dislike or whether they would change their mind when they got there. Would perhaps cut trip short once there if they werer obviously unhappy.

My dd is exactly the same age and I have been having the same thoughts. She is starting to be very fussy and demanding and I constantly question whether I should give in or let her have her way. I generally don't let her have her way or dictate what we do do explain to her why we're doing and I do make compromises. I think if you let them dictate it will only escalate.

I don't think it's letting your child dictate, more that you're listening to your dd's needs. It's all about picking your battles and fighting the ones you know you can win or those that are really important. Is it worth dragging a tired, unwilling toddler to a loud, stressful atmosphere if it's not absolutely necessary? Probably not. You could have perhaps invited your friend back to your house for a coffee/natter in relative peace?

My 2 yr old has started to show his bossy, argumentative side recently and I think it's important to show a calm authority. Letting them do something they want to do isn't "giving in", more like letting them have some enjoyment everyday. The crunch is that they stop/tidy up/come to you when asked. I normally do a count down for this, e.g. "In 5 minutes we're going back to the car... One more go on the slide and we're leaving... Time to go" etc. I also use "when...then", which is quite effective, for example "When we have been to Tesco, then we can go on the ride."

I sound a bit like I've got it all sorted lol, there are days I tear my hair out and feel like making a recording of my voice repeating the same thing over and over, but I do try to be calm and consistent as much as possible and save my shouty voice for dh when he finally walks in after I've been on my own all day.

The trouble is that most of the time, they enjoy things when they get there. They've not got the experience to compare past outings.

That was rude to your friend. I sometimes arrange to see my friend(s) in a softplay, where I wouldn't go there by myself due to cost. If a friend cancelled last minute with no good reason I would've been put out that I spent money I otherwise wouldn't spent if it were just DD and me.

I wouldn't have let a friend down at the last minute, that is so rude!

I know I made a mistake now. I've apologised to my friend.

I think I've been on survival mode for a while and need to start taking control a bit more.

I suggest and discuss plans for the day with DS - if I say "lets go to the park" and he says "no, I want to go to the museum" then fine, we will.

If I've then arranged to meet a friend at the museum, or am planning to go to a shop next to the museum or whatever, I definitely wouldn't let him change our plans later. Obviously if he was too ill to go, but not if he just didn't fancy it anymore.

If I'd made a commitment to meet a friend, I wouldn't have changed plans unless my child was ill. TBH, my son often says he doesn't want to do something, but doesn't really mean it and he's perfectly happy when we get there.

I'd say I plan our days but they are mainly geared around what he wants to do. After all, I wouldn't look at a waterwheel for two hours or play with Lego if I didn't have children. I'm finding it easier now he's 2.9 and talking quite a lot, so I can tell him where we're going or we can try and decide together.