Two year old son genuinely rejecting me physically

[mothered]

My two year old son is genuinely annoyed whenever I try to pick him up, play or engage him. I work full time but my dh sees a bit less of him and all ds ever says is 'daddy, daddy, I want daddy'. He physically recoils when I get close to him and prefers anyone including the nanny or even other relatives to cuddle him. It is becoming something of a joke to all friends and family. He screams and thrashes about on my approach. Even when I get home and try to play with him or talk to him about his day he avoids eye contact. He avoided eye contact with me even as a baby and totally rejected breast feeding although I tried all manners of clinics, contraptions,consultants to establish it. Aibu to think I have done something to scar him and that I need to get help fast?

Hmm I don't know but i highly doubt you've 'done' anything to scar him! Unless you were physically abusive or emotionally cold towards him for long periods of time I think it's very unlikely.

I believe that they all go through phases of this though. My DS2 is 19 months old and is all 'daddy' 'daddy' 'daddy' He will try and get to daddy if he leaves the room, cry when he's taken off him etc. I tend not to take it too personally because it gives me a break ;)

Does he scream or ignore you EVERY time you interact with him? Sometimes it feels like they do something all the time when perhaps it's not as extreme as we feel it is.

What does he do when you're alone with him?

I think it's fairly standard for them to do this to a certain extent. I am boring to DS2 because he sees me all day. Daddy is more of a novelty after being at work all day. Also Daddy does more of the physical playing and fun stuff whereas I tend to do the more mundane acts of changing his nappy, bathing, feeding, cleaning him up.

Why not try an activity, something he likes, just the 2 of you, where he needs you close, like swimming? Or even just a bath together.
DS was like this for a while with DH and still prefers me which is hard on us both, but he loves his days out and swims with daddy.

I'm very sorry for you. I often think if DS rejected me the way he sometimes does dh it would hurt so very much.

1 on 1 time definitely the way forward.

My DS went through/is going a stage of this, try not to take it personally. I think my DH is prob more fun to a 2yo - rough and tumble, plays more whilst I sort everything out! I do bedtime stories everyday though and that is our time.

You def won't have done anything to him and if i was you I just wouldn't rise to it. The more people joke about it and the more he sees a reaction from you the more likely he will keep on doing it.

I also had to take a few days off for childcare issues last week and spent 4full days with DS and that seemed to really help - could you try that?

I've had this too. I read some good advice on here before, as far as possible, don't give DS the option, if you are doing something with him, don't get dh to come over if he starts calling 'daddy', say 'mummy's turn' and carry on, otherwise he is calling the shots. I sympathize, it feels humiliating, doesn't it? My dd does it when she's missed me (does he ask where you are just before you come home and get the rejection?). Also, I do think its about special times, come home with something he'll like every so often, stickers, buttons etc. it's not permanent, it's just to break the behaviour. It gets better with language, you can explain more mummy has to work etc.

Thanks all for your reassurance. I don't want to sound too self-pitying. Am worried though it will affect our future bond and ds and I just not connecting. I feel anxious around him sometimes as though my feelings for him are so overwhelming that I have to distance myself. Weird, huh. Also, dh does pick up and I do drop-off. Could he be associating me with abandonment? He often doesn't even look up when I leave, despite frantic waving and loud bye-byes. We have a day alone together coming up so will ignore errands and focus on him xx

This might be a bit random, but have you considered whether you felt rejected by him when bfeeding didn't work out and maybe you've been viewing his behaviour since then as affirmation that he doesn't really want you?

All babies/toddlers go through parental preference - my little boy always wanted daddy at bedtime etc, until he was bout 19 months, and then he suddenly switched and wouldn't let daddy do any bedtime stories, I had to do them every night for 4 months until we managed to get him to let us do turn about (DH was missing his bedtime stories!).

Even now, he has phases or days where he's daddy's boy or mummy's boy - doesn't mean he loves either of us any less, just something they go through.

As a baby DS1 also smiled first at DH, and in fact was smiling with him for about 2 weeks before he would give me a smile - he'd literally change from smiling to a grim face when looking at me! We laughed about it at the time, but tbh it did hurt, esp as I'd spend all day with him and DH would swan in and get big smiles! They're cheeky wee souls :-)

Try and relax and enjoy him and don't take his calls for 'daddy' as a personal rejection of you, it's more of a positive preference for him (if you see what I mean) and that preference can change over night - honest!

It depends really.

Without knowing a lot more about the history it's hard to say what might be causing it.

Is he at nursery? Has he been there for a long time? How did it go initially/what age was he when he started going there?

DS3 was a bit like this when he was about that age. Always preferred going to DH. Tbh I didn't mind too much as I already had a a 6 and 4 year old so it took a bit of pressure off me a little.

Agree with those saying not allowing DH to take over if it is something you are doing with your DS. Carry on regardless.

DS3 is 13 now, and we are quite close, if that helps.