schneebly's draft personal statement for you to rip apart!

[schneebly]

Hi guys

as some of you know I am applying for a course in Child and Youth studies and am in the process of filling in the application. There is a section where you have to make a personal statement in support of your application but I have no idea what kind of thing to write! This is what I have put together in the last 10 mins but don't know if it is just crap! Help!

PERSONAL STATEMENT

Having worked with children and young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future when my own children are older is to have a career working with children.

I look forward to learning with great enthusiasm more about a subject which is very close to my heart.

I am mainly a stay at home Mum at the moment but work part time at a local Youth Club as an activity leader. This is a role which I enjoy immensely and also find very rewarding. In the past I have also led Drama Workshops in various local schools and other institutions and provided storytelling for children with special needs.

I feel that I have quite a broad range of experience with children and a real motivation to study and learn. These things coupled with a mature outlook and a commitment to the future for my family and myself mean that I would give this course 100%.

Well........

Sounds good but I'm no expert. I HATE this part of applications!

Thanks TT - me too! Hate to blow my own trumpet but you have to sell youself. I hope you can find a way to do the course you want.

Anyone else?

I would put the 'I look forward etc' but at the end, otherwise it's great.

"Having worked with children and young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future when my own children are older is to have a career working with children."

I think you have the word 'children' in here too often. Maybe replace that last one with 'young people' or something like that.

I think its good.

constructive criticism - exactly what I was looking for, Thank you! You are both right too!

so more like this...

Having worked with young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future when my own family are older is to have a career working with children.

I am mainly a stay at home Mum at the moment but work part time at a local Youth Club as an activity leader. This is a role which I enjoy immensely and also find very rewarding. In the past I have also led Drama Workshops in various local schools and other institutions and provided storytelling for children with special needs.

I feel that I have quite a broad range of experience with children and a real motivation to study and learn. These things coupled with a mature outlook and a commitment to the future for my family and myself mean that I would give this course 100%.

I look forward to learning with great enthusiasm more about a subject which is very close to my heart.

better?

Having worked with young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future is to have a career working with children.

Alongside raising my family I also work part time at a local Youth Club as an activity leader. This is a role which I enjoy immensely and also find very rewarding. In the past I have also led Drama Workshops in various local schools and other institutions and provided storytelling for children with special needs.

I feel that I have quite a broad range of experience with children and a real motivation to study and learn. These things coupled with a mature outlook and a commitment to the future for my family and myself mean that I would give this course 100%.

I look forward to learning with great enthusiasm more about a subject which is very close to my heart.

ok, constructive criticism....

I like what it says. But your sentances are too long for me, I am lazy, and I would want more specific info and examples.

Eg

Having worked with children and young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future when my own children are older is to have a career working with children.

to

I want a career working with children and young people. I have spent the past few years working with children and young people in different capacities. For example, I (.....). This taught me a lot about (.....). I also have 2 children of my own, aged (.....). From being a parent I have learnt (.....)

etc.

Thats just me though. Ignore me if you want, I won't be offended!

The I look forward sentence could be broken down-

I look forward, with great enthiusiasm, to....

that's all, justthe odd comma.

As well as being a Mother (I ws advised to skip as wella s beinga stay at home Mum on mine, was told it sends them to sleep- LOL! Lucky sods,)

WILL not would give this course 100%

You guys are great- thank you for your very sensible suggestions!

um...wouldn't capitalise mother, peachy....

unless of course, you are a nun

(sorry, not trying to pernicket, just couldn't resist)

grrrrr

Iare you not used to my typing yet? LOL

and maybe I AM a NUN, you got a thing about Nuns or summat?????

(sorry, my Bridgwater ways slipping through )

Oh I know you're a nun, peachy, I just wasn't sure if schneeby was or not.

I'm sorry, its a long story, I've just been reading about nuns and different forms of cancer...blah blah...it kind of stood out!

is this a UCAs form because if so you have space for 4,000 characters and i haven't counted but yours looks considerably less. Whilst you don't have to fill up all the space most people do sooooo is there anything else you could put in eg
evidence of recent study
having worked.........in various capacities - is it poss to outline some of the thngs you have done, pos of responsibility, what you have gained from your experience etc
Broad range of exp with children - again expand if you can
Any drama workshop which was partic successful and why
What activities have you been resp for as activity leader - helped in planning, co-ordination, evaluated - got feedback??
Evidence that you will be able to have your children cared for when nec (sorry don't know how old and whether this is ft course but this bit could be quite important esp if you are expected to do placements, visits
Any partic academic interests which reflect course content - see prospectus, course leaflet entry profile of institutions website
SELL YOURSELF - plenty of others will be trying to do same - make your application stand out from the crowd!
I wish you every success!

I'd go for more details too... Any particular activities you supervised at the Youth Group ? Arts / Crafts / Outdoor adventure / Educational thingies on xyz ? What particularly interested you about this / inspired you to consider a course / career in blah ?

What age were the drama workshops for ? Class size / age range / SEN children ? Any particular themes of interest ? What was challenging / rewarding about this ? Were you working for some kind of drama group ? An employee of the school ? Is this something you might continue this Summer etc... or how has this given you an interest in some other aspect of youth education etc....

Storytelling: School day ? Weekend ? After-school club ? It was interesting to explore how story-telling could

Finally, amidst the enthusiasm / mature student bit, I might add (either at the end, or just as a by-the-by in another para some nice phrase about 'staying power' / sticking to tough things IYSWIM (shows awareness of scholastic challenge of course as well as challenge to managing the childcare / family time / assignment time etc. etc.)

hth, and feel free to ignore.

Thanks again for all your help - lord knows I need it! Bee - it is not a UCAS for but a college's own application with a limited space for your statement although it does say you can use a separate page if required - I was just worried about going into too much detail as I have a tendency to waffle after a time!

At first glance 3 out of the 4 paragraphs begin with an 'I' - juggle the wording around a bit.

Also, you're not just a stay at home mum and it doesn't mean that you've not gained valuable experience in taking that career path, on the contrary it's life experience that looks good on a UCAS form. 'I am mainly a stay at home Mum at the moment' sounds like you're apologising for a career break, whereas you should be singing the plusses of doing what you do - 'In addition to being a stay at home mother...'

Go for it girl...!

Don't bore them with pages of detail, but maybe just elaborate on the bits which are v. relevant to your course and which show you have a genuine interest (and experience) of the area... just a few words / one sentence on one of your experiences will make the whole statement much more concrete.

okay, have tweaked a bit more.

Having worked with young people in various capacities over the last few years, and having had 2 children of I my own, I have come to understand that what I really want for the future, when my own family are older, is to have a career working with children. My own boys are currently almost three and one and a half and I have relished in the joys and learning experience that is motherhood and I now feel ready for the addition of a new challenge.

As well as being a mother I also work part time at a local Youth Club as an activity leader. This is a role which I enjoy immensely and also find very rewarding. I spend my time there organising activities for the kids and supervising as well as getting to know them. One of my proudest moments there was a small scale talent show we held at Christmas to an audience of parents - everyone was involved in some capacity and it was a huge success. It was wonderful to watch how much confidence they all gained in the process. In the past I have also led Drama Workshops in various local schools at primary and secondary level and in other institutions. I have recently been running storytelling afternoons for children with special needs including autism and ADHD. This has been a real learning curve for me although I enjoyed the challenge of coming up with something interesting and interactive that would keep the children engaged.

These are a few examples of my range of experience with children which I feel illustrate my commitment to this area of study and I have a real motivation to learn more. This coupled with a mature outlook and a commitment to the future for my family and myself mean that I will give this course 100%.

I look forward to learning, with great enthusiasm, more about a subject which is very close to my heart.

Any better?

Scans much better IMHO. A bit more juicy, a bit more personal, and some elaboration on the experience. Brill.

I'm off to bed, but if no one else has commented / corrected any text by tomorrow, I'll put my pedantic specs on and see if there's anything in particular to correct.

Well done and good luck getting a place on the course !

That's brilliant!

Good luck, but you won't need it!

MUCH better. I'd deffo interview you!

Would still break down sentances a bit more. Just put in more full stops, bascially. They are going to have read a load of these, are tired and will thank you for making it easy for them to read.

And I would "come to realise" - or "realised" rather than "come to understand".

And more commas are good.

I do think its fine, but to make it even better I would change these things. You want it as absolutely easy to read as possible.

HTH. You sound like an excellent candidate.

Thank you so much - I really appreciate all this help! I am just not used to filling in this kind of thing or even writing anything but shopping lists ! I will do a bit more tweaking with the long sentences.