I didn't think being a parent was easy, but I had no idea how bloody hard it was. (Long and ranty with crap grammar and one use of the f word...)

[purrpurr]

When I was pregnant (and happy about it), friends and family seemed almost gleeful about squashing my enthusiasm for becoming a first time mum. I was warned that breast feeding would be impossible, I'd never sleep, I would never have time to do things, etc.

Unfortunately I found breast feeding impossible. I never planned on trying to establish BF after an EMCS
and major PPH. 3 months on, I still feel physically battered by the experience, get short of breath easily etc, but in those first few days I was a translucent, dizzy mess, when I gave in relatively quickly on day 3 after hand expressing for three days, and moved to formula, I naively thought that at least feeding would be relatively straightforward. But it's been incredibly difficult from the start. I have tried everything (and posted on here about it) but suffice to say I am now at a point where my DD needs to be fed every 2 hours and eats very little, so every day is an effort to try to stay positive whilst dealing with a baby that may or may not want to eat loads or nothing, and then waiting to see if (despite extensive winding) I'm going to end up wearing it...

Because of the feeding I'm not really managing to get us out anywhere more than twice a week. No one else makes an effort to feed her like I do, so when I give her over so I can allegedly have some time off she returns having eaten practically nothing, and she doesn't make it up later, so I often feel despairing of the whole business.

I'm not sleeping well, because if she hasn't eaten well during the day she wants to eat during the night, which I don't begrudge her, but then when you're knackered to begin with multiple night feeds are devastating to remaining energy supplies.

I'm dreading seeing the health visitor in a week and a half, who will have a good look at the weight graph (but not DD) and really lay the concern on because DD is only gaining 3oz a week. The tiny part of my brain left that is still functioning is raising an eyebrow in a kind of, really? Is it really that serious? But don't you want to use your eyes and look at my baby or is a graph enough for you? Kind of way, but then, it's not for me to use my common sense be flippant about this because, well, I'm not the one with the qualification here.

I know when this worry is over, which to me feels like when we can start weaning her in three months time, by which point I'll have been worried sick for so long I'll probably have to go on ADs and I really don't want that, that there will be something else to worry about, and I'm just flat out of energy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Is it just me that has been blindsided by an unexpectedly fucking impossible aspect of parenting?

Without a word of exaggeration, I think that the whole business left me with post-traumatic stress.

No words could have prepared me for the shock of giving birth. Not because it was particularly difficult - it wasn't - but because it was so unbelievably over-whelming.

No words could have prepared me for the responsibility for another human being. Of course I knew that new-borns are totally dependant. But there is knowing and knowing.

And the culture shock!! I had a job with responsibilities and colleagues and a social life. From that to 24/7 baby care. Loneliness, worry and (dare I say it) boredom. There is nothing more stressful than a basically boring day with loads of responsibility.

So, it's not just you. It's shockingly hard.

The only consolation is that it does get easier. And when I was you I used to ask, 'how? How does it get easier?' And to this day, I don't know the answer. It just does.

Hang on in there. You are doing fine!!

Hi, just wanted to say I have found the first months hard. Silent reflux baby, only consoled with a boob in the mouth, wouldn't take a dummy or bottle. I felt like I was just feeding constantly, friends' babies started sleeping through and got easier after 3 months, not my DD. I didn't feel like leaving house for months, she was such an unhappy baby, bless her. Now unexplained colic, relux and feeding issues are behind us and she is a toddler. So much easier than the baby stage and I enjoy it so much more, I feel alive again (apart from sleepless nights!).
It does get easier, promise! Without trying to diagnose anything, do you think there is a possibilty your baby may have an allergy or intolerance? Could also be silent reflux? It took me changing GP 4 times until, we got some help! Always fobbed off with 'that's what babies do, tbey cry etc'. Maybe worth getting a second opinion.

Good luck, it does get better, don't beat yourself up about your feelings, it can be bloody hard.

Oh pet :(

It does get easier. It does. It gets different, then harder as you adjust to the different, then easier, then different and so on and so on.

I also soon got annoyed with weigh in's and started living by the mantra: look at the baby, not the scales. If it helps, my DS was also a slow weight gainer and is still feeding roughly every three hours or so at almost ten months. I have to remind myself it's not just food - it's a drink and comfort. I EBF so I don't really keep count but it's roughly that. The HVs put the fear of god into me on our first day home and the treatment I got at the weigh in's went roughly like this:

Beaming smiles at the mothers of babies who had gained a lot.
Cats bum mouth at me and DS, who'd hardly gained, and told loudly to sit over the other side of the room and wait to be spoken to about it.

Maybe other people have suggested this but - perhaps you could co-sleep to cope with the multiple night feeds? You could keep a couple of cartons with you and an empty bottle - I did that while establishing my supply, which took forever to come in, and I was frightened he was starving, as my stupid HV had told me.

Anyway, enough about me. It will get better. Little by little. Maybe she'll never be totally easy to feed, maybe weaning will bring new worries - maybe not. But one day soon you're going to find a day is just a little bit easier than the day before. I remember feeling like I'd hit a wall around three months, and it was a very bleak winter. Hang in there. Just take each day as it comes.

So. If you honestly don't feel the weight is an issue and she is otherwise healthy (alert, cries tears, wets nappies, is growing out of clothes etc etc) then stop seeing the HVs. Sometimes they're great. Sometimes they do more harm than good. Things will get better. You might even - horror of horrors - start to feel like you want another one at some point

2nd the advice re investigating silent reflux, or CMP intolerance or lactose intolerance. My dd was as you describe until around 6 months. It felt like a living nightmare. Her feeds were all over the place, she wouldn't sleep during the day, she screamed almost constantly.
The HV was really helpful when I broke down in tears at dd's 12week check and got a script for infant gaviscon which helped quite a lot. She was still fussy with her milk and I even attempted early weaning (she wasn't interested), but it was better. She improved immensely at 6 months when she took to solids like a duck to water, after two weeks she was having 4 meals a day and dropped all but 2 milk feeds. Even now, at 11 months, she's not overly keen and I have to hide milk in her food.
I would suggest going to your gp and asking for help with poss reflux or investigations into intolerances. Also ask for help with getting past the traumatic birth experience. You need to forgive yourself for not bf (again, I was similar, I had emcs with ds and struggled to bf him afterwards so expressed for several weeks before medication forced me to switch to formula. I hated the idea that everything was unnatural and the opposite to what I wanted/expected) under difficult circumstances: you haven't done anything wrong, you're still providing the best nourishment you can for your baby.
Hope everything works out soon. 6 months seems an awfully long time but it does go by very quickly and things do get easier, step by step.

I was you, two years ago. I felt how you are now.

If it helps, I have up bf in a matter of hours. I hadn't slept in three days and she couldn't latch on. She would also never drink as much formula as was recommended for her age. I used to fret loads about it. She never ever got to the stage where she would chin an 8/9 oz bottle.

DD is still on the skinny side. But like everyone says, look at the baby, not the scales. If there are plenty of wet nappies and a happy baby, then it will all even itself out.

Have you got anyone who can take DD for a few hours so you can get some sleep? It sounds like you could do with some sleep. I don't know how I coped with the amount of sleep I had.

Take care of yourself

Hey, would just like to add in case it helps, I also go through hell with my reflux baby. No one apart from me can feed her, same as u. And I struggle 40-60ml at a time on all the strongest medications. However weaning (at 16 weeks) has done wonders for us. She's now 22 weeks and fantastic at food. I still struggle to get 400ml into her per day but give her half an avocado and watch it go!! Maybe it will soon get much better for u too. Btw consider weaning early for failure to thrive. We had to she was losing weight week after week under gastro paediatric advice of course. U can get special high calorie weaning yogurts look up "neocate spoon" when the time comes. Couple of mouthfuls is equivalent to like 90ml bottle.
Fingers crossed it gets better for u soon, there is definitely a light at end of the tunnel somewhere!

Reading all these replies is making me breathe a huge sigh of relief. Thank you all so much for replying. I should have taken DD to the doctors sooner, reading up on silent reflux it sounds exactly like what we're dealing with. In no other area of life would you be given something so precious, so important, and potentially so difficult to care for, and then be consistently and sometimes extremely sleep deprived. I'm going to call the doctors tomorrow, hopefully my DH can come with me to the appointment so we don't forget to mention things.

I do wonder whether there is an element of post traumatic stress here. It's such a big label for what can be an every day occurrence, but I can't even think about what happened when I had DD without feeling sick. It's more that I was induced and the pain the drip created was the stuff of nightmares. The room was kept dimmed for some reason, maybe to create a calmer atmosphere, but all I can remember is being in a dark tunnel of agony.

It's like being hit by a car and then being handed an infant and waved away. I'm still looking around for a grown up. But that's me, I'm the grown up. I'm somebody's mum. How did that happen?

I know how you feel! Please don't get discouraged if you get fobbed off at the docs, some of them seriously haven't a clue about reflux etc. also, if it is reflux (which is very likely), babies react differently to meds; fight until you are given something that improves symptoms visibly. There is a lot there out there, not just gaviscon. For us it got properly good after the first year, but we also had other gastric issues she did eventually grew out of (cow milk's protein intolerance was suspected). fingers crossed, please post how you get on at the doc's.

Oh you poor thing, I really genuinely feel your pain. I was genuinely miserable at times during maternity leave, my DS was so so hard. He whinged literally constantly. I couldn't put him down, he didn't want picked up. We stopped socialising because I couldn't handle the sympathetic looks. It was so lonely, so hard, so exhausting and like Groundhog Day.

But it got better, suddenly and out of nowhere, at about seven months. And he continued to get better. He is now a toddler and is just a gorgeous wonderful pleasure. But I look back on that time with a feeling of empty guilty sadness. I also want to go back and hug my former self and say its not your fault and it will pass. I was so naive, I thought it would be a breeze, that my baby would be an angel and that I would be a natural. I had no idea what it was really going to be like. Oh an I secretly hated all my smug (not really, but to my mind) happy friends with their perfect happy babies.

Now my DH wants dc2, and I am terrified. People often ask me if it is hard being back at work now, and in my head I'm secretly thinking god no it is such a relief don't make me go back there (to maternity leave). I have been trying to think of anything at all useful to say to you, that would have helped me to hear at the time. The best thing for you to hold on to really I think is that I promise everything is a phase, and everything passes. This phase will soon be a memory and you will realise you are happy and things are better. In the meantime feel proud of yourself, looking after a tricky baby all alone is the hardest thing in the world, you sound like you are amazing and patient and a great mum.

' In no other area of life would you be given something so precious, so important, and potentially so difficult to care for, and then be consistently and sometimes extremely sleep deprived. '

I think this is so true. Have been thinking this since I had a baby but couldn't articulate it. When DD was a newborn I remember feeling like I had been given this incredibly prestigious job that I had always wanted but then realising I had no training, the hours were constant and I had a boss who I was desperate to impress but who would shout at me constantly. Bonkers.

I think it gets easier and easier every single month, I am used to being a mummy now (but still don't feel like a grown up!)

There is no doubt a thread from me two years ago saying similar. Sleep was our issue, not food, but the emotions were similar.

In fact, I think my favourite phrase in the newborn phase was "fuck, I used to look at pregnant women and think aww, now I look at them and think 'you poor thing, you have no idea what's coming'"

It gets easier. I promise. DS didn't sleep for longer than three hours in a row for 18 months but my ability to deal with that improved and, eventually, his sleep improved too. Now I think he's the coolest thing ever, and I'm back to thinking "aww" when I see a pregnant woman.

This too will pass...

Sending a great big hug your way.

I can also sympathise. I felt it the first time and got over it thoroughly and relatively quickly enough to have number two. Then went through it all again!

But again, I'm coming out the other side. It does get easier, as much to do with the fact that slowly, slowly, your body and mind recover and you start to get a bit more sleep. And the constant pressure just to keep them alive gradually decreases (first with the relief that a more regular eating pattern brings, then even later when they stop putting EVERY goddam thing they find in their mouths), which makes a massive difference to me.

The thing about being hit with a car, handed an infant and waved on your way.... yy. Absolutely with you on that one. Second time round, somebody also nabbed my calm, laid back, funny toddler and replaced him with a very much less settled and happy boy. It was very hard. But.... a year on and we have our moments but mostly I'm loving it again.

Look after yourself. I remember when I was having a tough time with DS's sleeping, he struggled to settle and nothing seemed to help, MIL said "it doesn't matter. You're here, he's here, he'll get there". I think we feel so much pressure sometimes to meet 'targets' for eating, sleeping and so on, particularly when we come from jobs which have trained us to think this way, it's easy to forget that none of it matters too much. Keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're not too worried about her growth, take whatever advice you can but do what feels right and try to enjoy this time. And please try to do what I was RUBBISH at and sleep when she sleeps. It truly will make a difference.

Can your DH help with the night feeds?

you mention sleep,can your oh share the nighttimes with you?could you co sleep?

if you dont want to see the hv then,dont none of mine ever have,i havnt felt it necessary,if you think she is growing ok then she probably is,take her if your worried,dont if your not,simples!

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but I am on DC3 and feel pretty much the same. I suppose it is more in context as I know it will pass but I have finally realised I am not cut out to be the mummy of newborn babies; I find it extremely difficult to cope with the total unpredictability, the overbearing demands of a fragile person so totally dependent on me, the significant anxiety of how vulnerable they are and the sleep deprivation.

My first birth was horrific and ended in EMCS, my second (ELCS) was better and I did find the early stages easier, but my third and final birth was pretty traumatic - mostly because DD was resuscitated for several mins at birth and then they thought she had an infection so she was in SCBU for a couple of days.

Anyway DD is now 10 weeks - and counting - and it is all getting easier. I am less worried about feeding etc (all of mine have had feeding difficulties), the sleep is slightly better, and she is more robust and has had her first injections so I am slightly less anxious. I really hope you experience this soon, but certainly in the next few months I am sure you will start to feel better and please don't see these early days as representative of parenting. I was able to put it in perspective and go on to have 2 more children - all of whom absolute delight, despite being hard work at times!! Also when you can appreciate the lovely baby things like cuddles and smiles as it will help you to remember the early days as having some positive elements.

Agreed that this is all so much harder than I ever thought it would be - 7 week old DS here and I'm really struggling with the lack of sleep, inability to leave the house and general responsibility. Why anyone would want to go through this again is beyond me! I can't say anything to make you feel better I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one feeling overwhelmed.

I think of the period with my PFB as a newborn as "the tunnel". A period of blackness and a blur of sleeplessness. 8 years on I still feel anxious when I think about it. You are sSO not alone.

You are way way way more qualified than any HV in one crucial subject: your baby. Try and listen to that small inner voice - that's your instinct and it's the most important thing you have as a parent. It is the hardest thing in the world to tune into it amid the barrage of advice you get when you have a baby. But keep listening for your inner mummy voice and do what it tells you.

Sorry to hear you are having a stressful time. I have no practical advice actually, other then that you'll grow used to the worrying about the kids..

But really i am posting because I wanted to say that I really love your writing style! So even in the difficult moments you might find a millisecond where you realise how funny and eloquent you are! I think that counts for a lot :-)

Good luck with everything, and I promise the time until you can wean will go really quickly!

Hi love, sending you a hug. Not sure if I've read and replied to your other posts if you've written about feeding before, but just wanted to give my tuppence worth on reading the above in case I haven't. My ds1 had severe feeding difficulties as a baby - he just refused to drink milk and screamed and screamed, feeds took over 2 hours of me feeling like I was torturing him while he cried and fought the bottle. Most of the (pitiful amount of) milk I got into him was at night, when he would 'dream-feed'. He was admitted to hospital 7 or 8 times before he was 1, having not drunk for 24 hours. The cause was put down to silent reflux, but the medication didn't help - or maybe it did, but by the time he got onto the really strong stuff he had developed a feeding phobia and would scream at the sight of milk. So, I totally feel for you. That year was the best (because I adored ds1) and the worst of my life. I woke in the mornings and cried when I realised it was another day and I had to go through all that again.

I'm a GP and since ds1 I've developed a special interest in babies with feeding problems. Some babies are harder to feed than others, but feeding shouldn't be that difficult. I'm guessing you've been to your GP about it? Unfortunately not all health professionals are quite as clued up about feeding problems as they should be - so long as the baby looks well, many don't realise how stressful it is for mum. I would go back to your GP and ask for a Paediatric referral, if they haven't already done that. Preferably to your nearby biggest centre, who is likely to have a paediatric gastroenterologist. The most likely causes of feeding problems are reflux, milk intolerance, or general fussiness. Your lo might need medication or a change in milk.

I haven't seen your dd's centile charts for weight, so I can't comment precisely on her growth. Has she dropped down centile lines? That is more important than weight gain per week. I would be more concerned about a baby that was feeding loads and not gaining weight however, than a baby who isn't putting on a lot of weight because her intake of milk is poor. At least there is a reason for her weight gain not being high, rather than there being an underlying medical cause for not gaining weight. Being on the thin side will not harm her in the long run. Once eating solids and she grows out of this, the weight will come on. It was such a relief having a Paediatrician tell me that. I made myself ill with worry over the (woefully inadequate) number of ounces of milk ds1 drank and his weight loss. Ds1 is now 4.5yo, tall for his age, full of beans, and with an appetite like a horse (for certain foods - he's still quite fussy).

Just wanted you to know that your dd isn't the only baby like this, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs

Purr you can absolutely have PTSD or PND from a traumatic birth and yours sounds traumatic. Do talk to your GP about that when you go and if they're no use have a look at things like the birth trauma association. It's a huge thing to be abandoned and left in pain in labour. In no other area of medicine is it considered acceptable to fail to treat pain. It's a human right but unfortunately it's frequently ignored when it comes to childbirth. That's a cultural problem that's not talked about which makes it even harder to cope with.

Normal things can be horribly traumatic. I mean, there's nothing more normal and natural than death and pain but they're some of the most traumatic experiences most of us will have whether they happen to us or someone close to us. BTW, as another poster said, you're a very good writer you know! You'll get through this.

Haha, I said almost the exact same thing after my c-section, that it was like being hit by a bus then being expected to get up and drive the bus!

I think so so many of us feel exactly the same. It's part of motherhood, part of you becoming a strong and amazing mum. Your baby is tiny and you're doing a brilliant job. It's so much harder than anything else - jobs have holidays and weekends. I'd like to see an EU working hours directive for mums! Ha!

But yes, it is a massive shock and just be kind to yourself. Get your DH on board now with the feeding, it's not fair that you have no respite - it's really hard to trust anyone else but you do have to put your trust in him. You can have a whole day out shopping or at a spa or have an evening out at the cinema or the pub. Not often, but it's medicinal for the soul, you should make yourself do it. You're the same capable person as before - the haze of sleep deprivation is preventing you from feeling in control of what's already a tough job.