Only child?

[GREENY]

I have a 21 month old son whom I love dearly and wouldn't be without, he's good (most of the time ) but I'm not sure I want another?? Is that bad? It is really hard work being a parent as I'm sure you all know, and I don't know if I want to go through it all again.
Then I feel guilty that my DS will be an only child...
Any other one child parents who can give advice!!!

My dd was going to be an only child, until dh and I decided it would be quite nice to have a baby again. Ds was born when my dd was 5.5. I would say that the large age gap worked for us as I don't think I personally could have coped with 2 small children as I live hundreds of miles from family and friends and my dh has to travel a lot with his job. I have to say I found second time round was a breeze in comparison to the first time. I got my ds into a routine quicker etc and really couldn't imagine what life was like before he came along. He has an entirely different personality to my dd and certainly keeps me on my toes! I have even come round to the idea of a third although my dh has now had the snip so that rules that out!

Good luck whatever you decide.

I have a 3.5 DS and regulary go thru phases of feeling bad about him being an only and THRU phases when I am OK about it. I would like another but its not happened and the older DS gets the further away all the baby stuff seems. Plus I am getting older.

The guilt thing is something I have struggled with. On a good day I feel that so many aspects make up a person that being an only or not is just one of those factors and it really shouldn't be a main factor in someones life.

More important is having a content, happy and secure family life, good health and having contact with different things outside the family.

I do feel fairly vulnerable about it for myself, especially as many people have made comments to me about it, which fall into 2 areas:

1. being lonely: I think now that being an only child doesn't mean they will be lonely and have no friends and as long as you are aware of the issues then you can take steps to make sure your DS will have opportunities to make friends/socialise etc. My DH is from a large family and he felt lonely inside it, and cos it was large there was never any encouragement to have friends outside the family.

2.The strain of being an only and looking after elderly parents, well I really think that nowadays even if you have siblings, often the care tends to fall onto one sibling in the main. Doesn't need to be an issue.

I think in the end it doesn't matter if someone is an only child. The main thing is to help a child be happy and content.

If you're not sure about another one, then there is no point in having one and no point in having another one just so your first born is not an only.

Anyway I could go on but will leave it for now. It is a difficult area for me, but on the whole I am OK about DS being an only - he is certainly very happy and has a mixture of being with others/time on his own so that's OK.

My ds was an only child until he was 9
The worst times were between 3.5yrs and 7 yrs he was very lonely
But so long as you keep inciting friends over and he gets over to friends houses and has a few hobbies/groups he should be fine
My ds does adore being an older brother though

Three of my best friends were all only children and they're the most down-to-earth, popular and outgoing people I know.

All of them have said they would like to have a sibling but that's because they've romantacised about who that person would be IMO. Some of us who have siblings know that it doesn't immediately mean that you'd have a friend or even an ally.

I don't think there is anything to feel guilty about in being a parent of an only child!

there are advantages and disadvantages to each and every type of family unit, and I think the most important thing is that you create the family that you can bets be the Mum to. Personally, I think it's dodgy to have another child simply as a bro or sis to the first - each child should be wanted for itself, and no other reason.

I have one child, we are all happy, he is glorious, we don't feel the need for more.

But as the parent of a single child, you will get some comments from people who know better!

I have 3, but don't think you should feel guilty either. There are so many families with only one child these days, it's becoming almost the norm. Society is changing and friends are more important than siblings I think. It's interesting how most of my friends with only one child do feel terribly guilty and worry about it. I don't really understand why?

I am an only child and as a young child, under 9 say, absolutely definitely didn't want a sibling. I lived in an area with other children of the same age so i always had someone to play with but i also enjoyed having lots of attention from my parents and grandparents.

When i got a bit older, 9 to early teens say I did wish that i had a sibling but this was in an idealised way, imagining being a big sis to a much younger sib.

Now as an adult I only occasionally wish that i had a sib. I suppose that I would like to have as shared experience of my family with a sib but I'm very aware that not all sib relationships are easy. Instead I remain close friends with 3 friends from early childhood, one who I've known since I was 5 and who therefore does know my family pretty well.

Incidentally my mum was also an only child, as was her cousin, but they lived next door to each other as children and so have a very sisterly relationship.

My dd is only 5 weeks old so it's a bit early to decide how many i will have .

sorry if long waffly post.

My DS is 7 months but we decided long before I ever got pregnant that we'd only have the one (mainly due to my age, our financial situation). I'm an inly child myself and can't remember ever being lonely or wanting a sibling. I definitely wasn't spoiled and had lots of friends & company - but could be on my own if I wanted.

My mum is an only one, so am I and DS will be too. DH has 3 sisters, who all plan on having large families.

We have always said we only wanted one child and still feel that way now we have him. We had a difficult time recently that forced us to discuss this again and we are still sure that we dont want anymore. DH is off for the snip.

I dont feel guilty about what other people may think about the choices we have made. What is upmost for me is that the family we have is a happy one.

I have one 3 year old dd and she will prob. end up being an only child. I would love her to have a sibling, but I am having marital problems at the moment and this coupled with my age makes it unlikely. I do feel sad about it. I am happy with one child for me, but I feel that she will miss out. Only children are judged more, even when adults. If they display any sort of off behaviour, it becomes attributed to them being an only child. The two most selfish people I know come from families with 4 children, but as they have siblings their behaviour is put down to personality rather than family size. The sad thing is that I can be guilty of this sort of judgemental behaviour too. If my dd ever acts a bit brattish, I worry that it's because she's an only child, whereas there are other non-only children who also act the same way.
It's also hard having to deal with other people's comments. When people bring it up it makes me feel like I'm depriving my dd of something essential for her to grow up happy and normal.
My dd always asks for a baby sister or brother and it breaks my heart to hear that. I do feel bad that she won't have a sibling when she is older.
My advice to anyone would be -if you can have another child go ahead and don't think about it too much. If you can't(due to health or personal cirmcumstances), then appreciate what you have, cause it's more than alot of people(though I'm still working through this myself!)

Can't believe how many replies there has been! Thanks for all the advice, it has definately made me feel better and to stop worrying. I should just be happy with what I have, a healthy happy baby!!
If I had decided to have another I would have liked a big gap between, but then my age would become an issue and I don't want to be an old mummy!!!
My DH is an only child and he was quite happy with all the attention!! He didn't turn out so bad.
I was worried about the "looking after elderly parents" but hopefully he will then be married and have the support of his family (Or maybe I will have retired somewhere exotic and not need looking after!!)

Greeny, I am an only child and have honestly not suffered in any way!

Firstly, you don't know any different...

Secondly, as long as your parents make sure you are able to socialise, with cousins, friends etc, that is fine. I actually think there are some advantages to being an only child: you are used to having to make your own way in new situations, so I ended up much more outgoing and less shy, and you also have quite an independent and 'leader'ish streak because you're not used to being in a group all the time. People say only children are selfish, but I think they benefit from more attention, and the selfishness is combined with a real gratitude for others' company and willingness to share. Also you don't get shoved into a 'role' in the family so easily, like the pretty one or the clever one.

I do worry about the responsibility of caring for my parents when they are old etc, but even with siblings there's no guarantee everyone will help out.

So what I'm trying to say is, please don't feel guilty, enjoy your son and I'm sure he will be absolutely fine and maybe even benefit!

The only child chestnut!

I'm an only child, and at the moment have 1 ds who is 4. Dh doesn't think he wants another one atm, and I go through phases of wanting another and not. I suppose it is guilt I feel about having one, because I feel people expect you to have another.

I don't ever recall wanting a sibling as a child. I had a fab upbringing and am very close to my parents, I think only children are treated as grown ups from n early age so they tend to be quite mature. I was always allowed to take a friend on trips out and holidays but even if I was alone I made friends very quickly.

People tell me I'm sociable and confident, and I like my own company, which some people from larger families don't.

Siblings don't always get on in adult life, so friends are just as important imo.

Anyway, parenting is hard enough worrying about the kids we do have without worrying about ones we don't have!

Like you say, if anything, the thing that would get me would be the looking after old parents thing. I sometimes wonder about my mum, although having said that, there is only 17 years in us so it could easily be me who needs looking after first (again).

Greeny, I was an only child till my mum had my
little sis when I was 19 , she was still
young,36.

I have no negative things to say bout being the only one, in fact I quite liked having my mum all
to myself! Was just the 2 of us & it was Fab.

I now have a 2yr old dd & NO plans whatsoever to
have any more, yet . Want at least 5/6 yrs
with LO then maybe think bout no.2.

Hi. Have been thinking about this a lot myself lately, so understand how you're feeling. I'm less bothered about ds (just 2) being an only in himself (check out \link{http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/opa/only_children.html?sec=parents&sub=preschool\this} for tons of reassurance on how being an only child is a positive thing). Dp and his mum are both only children, and happy and balanced and loving people. For me, this feeling is tied to a longstanding belief - since I was a child, I suppose - that I would have several kids (I'm one of three), like my mum. And it's also driven by a feeling that I should be able to cope with/enjoy more than one child, so should have more than one. Both irrational, but I've so far failed to make these deep-seated feelings/beliefs go away.

Finding the article (linked to above) has helped me feel more like we can go with the flow with just ds for now. There's no pressure age- or money-wise to make a decision about another child right now, and really I think I'd do well to give the energy and thought I give to this, to ds instead.

All this said, I do know how you feel. And I know what you mean about others' comments/opinions about only children. I find these hurtful, not least because dp and my best friend are both wonderful onlies, and it's effectively an indirect insult to them. The popular opinion of onlies is pretty misguided, but sadly entrenched.