Why do I find my 6 year old dd such hard work?

[Pernod]

I now am the proud mum of 3 gorgeous dd's, aged 6,3 & 6 months. I have always found my eldest hard work but now she is really stressing me out & I am not getting any enjoyment from being her mother. I know that sounds absolutely terrible but it's got to the stage where everything that she says & does just really winds me up. I just dread it when she comes home from school as our nice chilled out home just becomes a tense place full of friction. She tries pushing her luck & the boundaries at every opportunity and I feel I'm constantly having to tell her off.
Bed time is especially hard work - what time do you think is reasonable for a 6 year old to go to bed?
We say she should be in her room by 7.30pm (which is 1 1/2 hrs after her sisters so she does get special time alone) but every night she comes back down stairs about 10 times asking for food and drink. Then every morning I have hard work in waking her up for school.
I'm at the end of my tether with her and am very concerned that she's picking up on my negative vibes towards her as sometimes I just want to beat the living day lights out of her to get her to behave!
Hope I don't sound like some mad woman but feel I just can't carry on like this.

not sure what to say but dd is similar as regards to bed time and boundaries

006 - having some special time with her would be great but it's hard as dh seems to work all the time & I'm limited as to who could look after the other 2!
Good to hear from you both though that it's not just her!!

DD1 is like this after school. Drives me insane.

I have had to got o zero tolerance with a lot of it. as she has become so whingy and moany!

So tonight we went shopping on out own and did have a nice time, I think she really sppreciated it too.

Pernod - I'm presuming you use the time after the other dds are in bed to have some "special" time with dd1, eg read stories or play a quiet game? If so then she is getting that one-to-one attention, so don't worry about it. You say your youngest is 6 months - I would say your dd1 is still adjusting to having an extra person around. I have a dd aged 7 (plus an older dd) and a ds aged 10 months, and it took a while for my dd2 to adjust to sharing me out a bit more, particularly as little babies take up so much of your time. Give her time and she will relax a bit more.

On the bed front - be firm. Bedtime is bedtime (and the hour is about right). Sit her down and tell her that it is not going to change. If she comes down for food or drink, say "no, it is bedtime" and take her back upstairs. If she comes down again (and any subsequent times) then just take her back and don't look at her or say a word. She will soon get bored with it! You could use in conjunction with a sticker system - for every night she goes to bed without reappearing she gets a sticker, 10 stickers gets a small pressie. Just make sure before she goes to bed she has the opportunity to have a drink and uses the toilet, and she is allowed one (maybe two) trips to the loo. We still do this for dd2 and it works well HTH!

Thanks Guys!
It's now only 7 minutes since I took her up to her room and since then she's been down twice already!!!!!! Ahhhh, first time was to get some paper to draw on, second time was to ask for blue tac - & so it shall probably go on!

What did you say when she came down?

Did you say "it's bedtime, not time to be doing artwork"?

And do you stick rigidy to bedtime and have a bedtime routine that kicks in at 7pm? I find this approach helpful.

My dd is 6 and for me this is the first age at which she has really seemed to be pushing boundaries - so I sympathise with how you are feeling! The answer to pushing boundaries is to create firm boundaries for her and to stick to them.

I also think that it is hard for kids to behave well at school all day and they often need to kick back a bit at home afterwards. Making sure she isn't hungry straight after school may improve her behaviour...and too much TV won't let her relax properly which is what she needs to do.

Pernod, my eldest DD is 5.5 and had a spell of coming down a lot. I did just as Miaou posted - I gently explained "its bedtime" and kept returning her over and over, every night until now she goes down well (at 7.30pm) and gets up once through the night for a wee.

FWIW my DD has a story in bed about 7.15pm, then a chat about the day or our favourite things etc. She also makes a wish to the fairies, which I hum through and pretend not to hear - this is especially good for finding out what is really going on inside her head. i.e. a while back it was how much she wanted to go to a particular park we've not been to in ages and it had to be with mum and dad and her brother and sister. Hey hey, it took a few weekends but we got there and she announced "wow, its just what I was hoping to do"!!! Happy girl, easy for me. After the wish I put out her light, tell her I love her and wind up her musical snow globe thing (once and only once). Definitely no playing alone or otherwise.

Its hard when you are totally wound up and I'm there a lot too but repetitive behaviour with her will win through. I struggle to keep my cool and not shout but I do believe not shouting gains more respect. Someone on here suggested a tried and tested technique of counting backwards from 23 - apparently it does something technical in the brain to calm you. ATM I am shouting first and then counting backwards from 23 but I'll keep trying! Good luck honey.

I read something in a magazine once about children who repeatedly get up and go downstairs after bedtime, it basically said that each time she gets out of bed then she has to go to bed 5 mins earlier the following night, so for example if she got up 3 times she would have to go to bed 15 mins earlier the following night. Not sure if this would work on a child as young as yours but thought I'd mention it anyway.

I have no idea about the pushing of boundaries though, my 5 1/2 yo DS does this regularly!

It must be the age as I have been finding dd1 (6.5) very hard work for a few months. I don't have the bedtime issue but she is obsessed with inappropriate television, always having a go at dd2 (5) and pushing all sorts of boundaries. I will try the counting back from 23 thing as I hate feeling so negative about her - I love her to bits really!

My DD also aged 6, 7 in a couple of months and also the eldest of three can also be a pain a nightime. We have the same nonsense at bedtime and also getting into bed with us during the night.

I'm now going for bribary - her friends have all got a certain toy that she wants and I've told her that if she behaves at bedtime and during the night she can have one. She's also been told that if she goes back to messing about once she's got the toy we'll take it back. So far we've had 3 good nights, then one visit in the middle of the night, so we told her she had to start from the beginning again. I think she's finding it hard, but is at least trying.

I think it's hard being the oldest of three my DD often talks in a babyish voice and has told me that she thinks if she does this we'll love her more!

Do you every get time away from the children? I'm lucky my DM takes them often and it's amazing how much nicer I am when they come back. It's just a hard job to do without any break.

I also have three dds (6, 3 and 7 weeks)

My 6 year old is usually lovely but goes through, erm, testing phases. At the moment she isn't going off to sleep easily either. She has a CD player with a story cd in it and if she keeps coming down the cd gets confiscated. I also wouldn't put up with the blutac requests. do you say NO? How about she goes to bed at 7.30, half an hour inbed with a story cd, lights out at 8? What do you do with her for that 1.5 hours she doesnt have the other dds around? (and, wow, you get your 3 year old to bed at 6? )

I remember when dd2 was 6 months jealousy kicked in with dd1 - maybe this is happening a bit now? After all babies are very cute at 6 months and can really start to impinge...

Thankyou all for your responses! I think a certain amount of the problem is the age but then equally important is in how you deal with it.
Enid, for the 1.5 hrs I must be honest in that I try & give her as much attention as I can but I'm so knackered myself at that time of day that it's just not quality time. We do her reading & spellings together & then I try & read to her. I agree I must say no & be firmer with things like bluetac requests,.
I really like the idea of taking her to bed 5 mins earlier the folowing night each time she comes downstairs & also the wish to the fairies.

Wish me luck for tonight's new routine!!! & stick with it all of you guys!