Sibling Rivalry HELP!!

[EmmaG1986]

Hi, I have a 7 year old and 2 year old. Since the start of the summer holidays my two children have been constantly arguing. We've had days out and in but my two children have been constantly winding each other up.
My 7 year old is the worst he will follow his 2 year old brother around and antagonise him. I've tried to ignore as much as I can but it's getting to the point now where I can no longer bare hearing the shouting, arguements, the tears etc. I've sent my 7 year old to his bedroom many times and he quite often refuses to look at me whilst I'm talking to him about his behaviour towards his brother but a short while later he will do the same thing again.
They do have there moments when they get along but they rarely ever play together. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I know siblings will argue, dis-agree etc but I don't think I should have to deal with this constantly, it feels like my house is a battle ground at the moment and I am on my own at the moment too and have very little help.
Any advice greatly appreciated.
Thankyou!

That sounds like attention seeking to me.

When you're talking to him about his behaviour, have you tried asking him about what he is feeling and why he's behaving the way he is? Is he feeling pushed out, less loved, less important, hurt, resentful? 5 years is a big age gap, their interests and needs will be very different so I wouldn't expect them to particularly play together (my 2 are 4 years apart and don't play together as such, they are bit older though so my eldest now likes to teach his sister sometimes). When you go out/do activities are they age appropriate for both dc or more centred on one? Does your eldest get 1-2-1 with you and his father?

Sit down with your eldest when he's calm and you can have some uninterrupted time (maybe at bedtime when you can cuddle) and talk to him without recrimination. Remember that if he's feeling negative emotions towards his brother or you/his dad/both that he has a right to those feelings, validate them and look for a way forward (what might help him feel secure/loved/etc). You are more likely to bring a halt to the war by working together if possible.

One last thing; it's easy, especially with a big age gap, to expect too much of the eldest because they seem so much bigger and more mature than the younger one...it can cause a lot of problems if the lines of communication close down.

Sorry, that has turned into a mini essay...good luck!

Oops, just noticed you are on your own...disregard my references to his father.

I agree with andro a bit of a talk to try and get to the bottom of the problem can work wonders. Also we sometimes try and get my 5yo and 3yo to think of solutions together as to how to share better or how to choose something they both like on telly etc. That way they feel empowered and have more invested in getting a solution that works.

I found the book Siblings Without Rivalry hugely useful and it gave me real insight into the sibling relationship and I think it has really helped us to navigate issues between siblings better...although it is a definite work in progress!

Good luck!

Five years is a big gap. I wouldn't be leaving them too it - 2 year olds don't really know how to play and they certainly cannot stand up for themselves against a 7 year old, whom I bet he idolises or wants to copy.
I would try and separate them - so let 2 year old watch a short DVD while you do something with the 7 year old. Does the 2 year old nap? If so, play with 7 year old while you do. Vice versa - once 2 year old is in bed, have special bedtime with older one. Etc etc etc.

Thanks for all your advice ladies, much appreciated :-)
I do spend time with them as much as I can but sometimes it's difficult to have uninterrupted time with them. My husband is away and has been for four months (army) it has taken its toll on me the past few months.
I had to give up my job to, to enable me to look after our children in the summer holidays and weekends whilst my husband was away, so I don't get any time away from my children.
I think I have been a bit depressed lately to which has made me feel a bit dis-interested in my children, I feel ashamed for admitting that, have had moments where I've burst into tears where I've been overwhelmed with everything but the last few days I have been feeling a bit more positive.
I am going to try and spend more time with both of my children individually so they are getting the quality time they both need and deserve and as someone mentioned, ask my son why he is doing what he is doing, such as antagonising his brother and get to the root of things, as was mentioned he may be feeling left out and seeking more attention. Thanks again ladies! :-)

Does your 7yo have friends round or activities suited to his age? Just pottering around with baby brother does sound like a bit of a dull life. When you go out to parks and similar, do you sometimes make them places that are for his age group and make the toddler wait?

I wouldn't expect two children with that age gap to play together though a kindly 7yo who is feeling good about himself might condescend to playing nicely with the 2yo- not for his own sake, but as you yourself would as an adult, to help out with the baby-sitting.

I don't think 2 year olds can play nicely with other children I'm afraid. Not in my experience anyway. They don't really know how to play 'with' people yet so when his brother gets involved, the 2 year old will probably get upset and feel frustrated. They don't have the social skills yet to play with each other. My DS1 never played with others at this age, just along side others but he'd often get cross if they got too close or tried to touch a toy he was playing with. The world is a frustrating place for a 2 year old!

My DS1 is now 6, DS2 is 19 months. They don't play together. DS1 is very good with other children now but DS2 is still in the 'I'll scream if you touch me and get in my face' phase. It's hard for DS1 because he wants to play with his brother but I have found the best thing is to separate them as much as possible. It's hard in the summer holidays though! I have found if I spend a lot of time with DS1 while his brother is having a nap then it makes the day go smoother. Also, they're better playing outside in the garden. DS1 can make things, play in the sand pit, water the plants etc while DS2 potters about.

It's a hard age gap really. It'll get better as they get older. I agree with the poster who said about allowing him to feel the things he needs to. DS1 gets frustrated with his brother grabbing his toys and pinching him etc. It's perfectly normal and I always tell him it's OK to feel that way but it's not OK to hurt him or wind him up on purpose. He needs to know that it's OK to be annoyed by him. Toddlers are bloody annoying creatures! It sounds like he wants you to understand that and maybe spend some special time just with him. Take care, it's hard work isn't it?!