Terrible day, help me make tomorrow better

[elportodelgato]

Terrible horrible day with my DC today, I feel so sad and cross this evening and really need help to make tomorrow better , sorry this post is long.

DC are 5 & 2.5, eldest is really really whiney since the school hols started, will whine and whinge and complain about ANYTHING it is really hugely exhausting. I have tried talking about it when we are both calm, explaining that it makes the day / activity less fun for everyone, that it makes everything harder etc, and we agree to try not to do it any more, and then the next day it just starts up again. First thing in the morning starts whining for TV to go on, and I feel like our first interaction is me saying 'no' which sets us off on totally the wrong foot. DC1 has a knack of starting to whine just as DC2 is up to something, which brings me onto DC2...

Younger DC is at the brilliant age of tantrums AND potty training. I find potty training utterly utterly dispiriting and knackering and awful. I know i have to just get on with it but i honestly HATE IT. The tantrums DC2 can pull are extraordinary - today there was one that lasted a full hour (i timed it) all of it on crowded public transport during rush hour complete with eye-rolling commuters and tutting old ladies. I generally go down the route of calmly explaining what is going to happen / the rewards for good behaviour / reasons why we can't do what she wants right this minute etc. and then I try to ignore the tantrum but DEAR GOD A FULL HOUR!?! A one point I was leaning against the tube door just crying and crying and not knowing what to do, it was horrific, she was writhing out of her buggy, hot tears, bright red face, yelling blue bloody murder. Horrible. When she starts I feel like there is nothing I can do to contain it, it just has to run its course, but the tantrums go on FOREVER.

Today was hard because I had (probably very stupidly) gone to meet a friend in a town about 2.5 hours from home (old old friend, don't see her often, she has a new baby and I was desperate to see her, this was the only day we could do & I had both DC with me unfortunately). The journey was really long and difficult and involved lots of trains but we made our way there really pleasantly doing activities on the train, having snacks, chatting, playing etc. when we arrived the whining started from DC 1 and continued all day which made it really hard to talk to my friend about anything, and exhausting to deal with all the time. Then they both has a little sleep on the way home which I thought would mean they'd be refreshed for the final slog across London, but It was just awful, with DC2 tantruming all the way home. I completely lost it with DC2 when we got home and she point blank refused to wash her hands for dinner, I really really yelled the bloody place down. it ended this evening with me just sitting sobbing in the kitchen with both kids saying 'why are you sad mummy?' DC1 wrote me a note saying 'we love you mummy' which just broke my heart and then later on before bath said 'I have an idea mummy, I will do your jobs for you and then you will feel better'

I am clearly utterly crap at this parenting thing. I honestly do start the day very bright and breezy and full of great ideas and love and good intentions and they just wear me down so so much.

How can I hold onto my temper with them? How can I not lose it with them again? I feel awful when I yell, I never used to shout at all before, but now I feel so often right on the verge of going completely mental at them. I obviously need help, it feels quite desperate and I am scared and appalled by how cross I can get with them and how out of control and helpless I feel

Nothing super useful to say but didnt want to read and run. Sending big hugs while someone wiser comes along with an answer. Im doing far too much shouting at a whiney argumentative child too so have some idea how you feel

Thanks MrsSnail for reading my long rant, good to know there are others out there dealing with the summer holiday whining

I am none the wiser, my 5yo DC1 and 2yo DC2 have had me at my wits end this holiday.

DC1 is grotty beyond belief and DC2 very very hard work.

I have been shouting a lot. A LOT. And talking to other school parents, they said the same.

You're not a bad parent. I think the holidays are a lot harder than we reckoned on, that's all.

Can you book your DC1 into any holiday clubs to at least get a bit of a break there?

Firstly you aren't crap. I'm sure that I would have had a similar experience if I had tried that journey.

All children play up when you are feeling tired and struggling to cope, I'm a teacher and when I'm feeling a bit crap both my children and the kids I teach take the piss, I have over the years got better at faking control when I feel a bit below par.

I would tomorrow go out, somewhere not to far away, where kids can just be, my local park is great at the moment, keep them well fed and watered, if you have local friends that you can hang out with do.

At the end of the day give yourself credit for the stuff you've done well (fab journey to your friends) remember its all a phase, it will get easier, half way through summer hols.

I've decided to knock potty training on the head, we gave it a week and a bit, got nowhere, I can't face any more washing, we'll try again in a month. My DC are 5 & 3. DC1 is super stroppy, missing school, I'm starting to put some quiet independent things into her day, writing, drawing, Lego etc, gives us both a break.

you could try something totally diffetent to what you normally do.

telly straight on. picnic breakfast on the floor. potty in front of the telly.

good luck

Tomorrow is a whole new day! The whingeing and whining is really hard to deal with, plus potty training. 5 and 2.5 are hard ages. Sorry...not exactly telling you stuff you don't know! I think the 2.5 hours and seeing a friend were probably a bit of a recipe for disaster!!! But sounds like you did everything right (well....not sure, but I would've done the same!!) and they're both tucked up in bed and all is well. Have a nice, calm restful day tomorrow and give yourself a break. The fact that your eldest was trying to be all kind to you.....you've obviously done OK in teaching them empathy and kindness!

But....on a more practical level. I used to find that sometimes find reading some parenting books quite good at grounding myself. They're usually mostly common sense, things you probably already know and do (and so show you're on the right path) and give you the odd tip to save your sanity. I really like Toddler Taming....has a long list of things that toddlers do that drive you up the wall and reminds you that this is all normal (and shall too pass!). And 123 Magic. Not rocket science, but felt it gave me a calm, rational plan to follow when my emotions where all over the place. And chatting to friends....realise you're not alone and everyone has bad days with their children where shouting is too common.

Second that I and everyone I know have had a fair share of temper tantrums from 5 year olds this holidays. I think the warm weather has meant less sleep for mine.

Sorry to hear of your stressful day.

With DC1 can you set a time for the TV to go on or off? My DS (5) generally responds better if I give him some idea of when. Or offer TV as a reward after doing something else, breakfast, getting dressed, reading practice etc.

And could the potty training not wait until DC1 is at school (assumedly)?

And the tube is generally a mare with kids, so well done on managing such am epic journey.

Tomorrow is another day.

Ah bless them sounds like they were trying to make it up to you, so you can't be that bad!
I've had days like this with shouting and sobbing to top it all of (surely everyone does?)
Honestly, I think that trip was always going to be a tricky one. 5 yr olds are whiney and 2 yr olds are tantrumy (both of mine are like this at the mo) when dd2 starts a tantrum I sometimes feel done in by it straight from the of, honestly I think they smell your fear! I now try to morph into my mother, somehow getting into 'dealing with the tantrum' mode just works better, its like she instinctively knows that I am taking no messing!
The whiney thing, I tell dd1 I can't understand what she's saying in her baby voice and whilst I'd love to help she needs to speak clearly as I can't understand the baby voice. Get down on her eye level if she pushes it, it helps put an end to it. If she strops of I often call 'love you!' After her (ha she can't argue with that!)
And lastly, try not expect too much of them or youself!

Thank you all, partic Wonderstuff & Cocoplops, very reassuring to not feel completely alone, thanks for bucking me up a bit too, I was getting all weepy again just before going to bed, looking at them both sleeping so sweetly now makes me extra doubly guilty for shrieking at them earlier. The thing is, they are good happy well-behaved kids in the grand scheme of things, I don't know why I can't be grateful for how amazing they are most of the time.

I made a note from another thread of a book called 'how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk' which sounds so so useful, think I do need to re-read some stuff and check I am on the right track with handling the behaviour calmly and consistently.

One idea I had, has anyone tried this? I wondered about giving myself a sticker chart as well as the kids (DC1 gets stickers for doing her reading, not sucking her thumb in the daytime etc; DC2 for using the potty) and talking about it together ie they decide if I get a sticker for being a calm fun mummy. Or is that a recipe for mayhem?!

We are on holiday for 2 weeks from Saturday so am hoping we can knock some of this on the head while we're all away, i was thinking of getting them more involved in the cooking and planning days out etc which might make DC1 feel she has some agency over what we do or don't do each day and improve her mood ie: she has chosen the thing we are doing s can't whine about it. My sure there is any fix for the tantrums though, I will have to ride them out. Dammit.

And yes, I knew the journey was madness when I arranged it tbh! I was just so keen to see my friend and I thought I could minimise the horror with activity bags and snacks etc but it was clearly too much for ANY of us to cope with. And DH is away with work tonight so no help with bath and bed this evening. I am done in!

Wow - a 2.5 hour journey with two young DC on public transport, that went "really pleasantly"? You are clearly NOT crap at this parenting thing.

All that went wrong today was that you were too ambitious (for understandable reasons), and the day was too much for your DC (and so you). The journeys sound nightmarish, and you wanted to chat to your friend, when your DC wanted your attention.

So for tomorrow, try something a bit more child-centred. I love TrinityRhino's suggestion of telly on, picnic on floor... Park, garden, friends, farm, cooking, playing games - anything you enjoy doing together.

Do you ever give in to the whining for TV in the morning? If you do, you're encouraging the whining - you need to decide yes or no and stick to it. If not, DC1 is getting something out of it, possibly your attention if you get drawn into a long discussion / argument about it. You could try setting a timer, first thing - if in 30 minutes (or whatever) they've had breakfast, got dressed, cleaned teeth, and NOT asked/whined about the TV, they can watch one programme.

Good Luck. Tomorow WILL be better.

I have three year old DT boys. Something that has saved my santy this holidays is to have a schedule for the day. Sit the DCs down after breakfast and decide what you are going to do that day. For e.g., today looked like this for us:

Pick blackberries
Make jam
Watch Jungle Book while I clear up the kitchen carnage
Have lunch
Go to the park with the zipslide
Play cricket in the garden
Have tea
Bath and bed

It works brilliantly for my 2 and for me. It means all the negotiation happens in the morning when they are fresh and they seem to really like being part of the decision. Plus you can put in less popular things as they are also at the same time thinking of the fun things they are going to do.

Best of luck

I would second having a loose structure for the day. Take them out locally everyday for exercise and fresh air. My DC used to love a picnic tea in the local park. They would play on the swings and have a run around with a ball and generally tire themselves out we would have tea and then it was home for a bath and bed. I am a great believer in fresh air and exercise :)

Please do not beat yourself up, tomorrow is another day. I would also leave the potty training for at least a month.

p.s. have a look on your local council website to see what free things for children are being put on.

I wouldn't do a sticker chart for you, I think that would give potential for making bad days worse, what happens when you dot get a sticker?

5 and 2.5 are difficult ages!

Could you perhaps be less democratic with the kids? No need to reason and explain (especially with the 2.5 year old). Your word shouldn't be up for discussion, and definitely don't make a sticker chart for your own behaviour.. Basically you are the boss :-)

I don't have too much to add other than what has been said already but I can really sympathise with you having to deal with the constant whining.

I have a 2.9yo who is never satisfied and always whining for more/something else.

I have started using a new approach with her and if seems to be working so thought I'd share. A typical conversation might go like this...
Dd: I want a biscuit.
Me: You asked for blueberries so you've got blueberries.
Dd: I want a biscuiiiiiit.
Me: If you carry on using that voice I will think that you're not enjoying your blueberries and I will take them away.
Dd: I want my blueberries.
Me: Eat them happily then.

I know this is a specific example but it works with other things too e.g. 'You need to watch it happily or I'll think you're not enjoying it and I'll turn it off"

Would this work on a 5yo?

You're clearly a wonderful parent, as that is such a sweet thing for your dd to do. You must be bringing them up really well!

Sorry you had such a sh*tty day, it does indeed sound awful, but we've all had them and we've all had the breaking down in tears in front of the kids and feeling utterly useless.

Sending lots of hugs and wishes for a better day today!

Lots of sympathy here too.

The how to talk book is very good. Explains how to reword things to get the best effect, stunningly effective. I also like 1,2,3 magic for when all else fails and have perfected a scary mummy voice for counting.

I also use the phrase, "mummy can't understand when you talk like that, please ask nicely" when the whining starts and just repeat until it is asked for nicely.

Also I use these fab sand timers for various things for my 3yo. 3 min one for occasional time out (I use this rarely). 5 and 10 min ones for explains what has to be done when, 5 more mins on iPad then time to get dressed, 10 mins of TV then bed. Don't know why it works better than just telling him 5 then 4 then 3 mins... but it does.

And major respect for not caving into the hur long tantrum. Well done you! Give yourself some credit, they sound like lovely kids with the normal behaviours you'd expect.

Hello again, thanks everyone for your kind words and support it really means a lot

I thought giving myself a sticker chart might be a dumb idea so thanks for confirming that! And thanks for the tips.

I am as consistent as I can be with approaching the tantrums and whining I think. I definitely never cave in (I am quite good at that actually!) but I suppose I am just bewildered that the message isn't sinking in, ie: whining for ages for something never EVER makes the thing appear, it just makes me more determined not to give in. Have they not noticed this doesn't work yet?!? When will they realise?!?

Anyway, they were very sweet this morning, got dressed, tidied their bedroom, had breakfast all very nicely so I let them watch a DVD mid-morning which went down well. Thankfully DH is back home and has taken over this afternoon while I get some work done and drink cups of tea in peace

I love the idea of the 1,5 & 10 mins egg timers, where can I get those?

Ellesabe, the conversation you relate is so exactly like what we go through here too!

I want a snack

You've just had breakfast and you didn't finish it, so no snacks

But I really want a snack!

I know you really want one, you didn't finish your cereal so no snacks right now

Pleeease mummmyyyy I am sooooo hungrryyyyy

At this point I often start ignoring or just repeating (learned this off Mumsnet!) 'I refer you to my previous answer' but OMFG it can go on and on and on.

VegPatchLurker thanks for sharing your schedule (wow, 3 yo DT boys!) this is what I want us to try and do on holiday next week, a out our days together so everyone knows what we are doing and in what order. Brilliant, I am glad to hear this works for you

You said you don't like starting the day on a negative note. How about when he says "Can I watch telly?" you say in a cheerful voice "Yes, of course you can, after breakfast/got dressed/when it's your favourite programme time" whilst grabbing him for a tickle and a giggle. If he asks again "No, now" then just repeat, both the answer and the tickling and cuddling. Keep going until it's a game and he's just asking so he'll get tickled and cuddled. Enjoy cuddle then move onto next thing, all positive and happy.