A moan about MIL

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Hey all, I am new to this so I am sorry if I go on a bit.
Ok so dp and I had our ds at the end of April, he is 15 weeks today :). Before ds was born my relationship with MIL was actually quite good, I had a lot of respect for her and thought she had for me. However since ds came along things with MIL aren't so good.
Early on in ds life MIL had too many opinions. I was nervous as ds is my first and like most mOthers I want to do thinks right, want to get into a routine. When I got home from hospital his mother was at my house!!! As if that wasn't bad enough she was interfering and going on about how ds is like his dad and their side. How I should hold him, how I should change him! I was livid.... I put it down to my hormones at that point. However every time I speak to her or see her she says about how every good point ds has is from their side of the family! As soon as she sees ds she hogs him and I don't get a look in. She goes in about how he's going to be a 'daddy's boy' I am actually so stressed when she's around and am scared ds picks up on it. She totally takes over.

I won't tell all as it would be never ending but I will tell you this!! MIL always goes on about how she gave dp and siblings baby rice at 2 wks of age?!? I just thought she was exadurating and a bit mental to be frank lol. About a month ago when ds was 2 months of age, we were out for a meal with dp mother, step dad, gran and aunt and ds. I was having my dessert and she turned round and said " go and stick his dummy in the cream and put it in his mouth and see what his face goes like" I was mortified and just ignored her and so did dp. When she then repeated it twice over I said we are following the HV guidelines and that's not happening, so she knows how i feel about it! That comment really affected me as I won't leave him alone with her. Anyway, yesterday we were out with her and she was pushing pram (as usual) she had an ice cream and she put her finger in it and said she was putting that in ds mouth so be can try ice cream, dp tried to stop her and I actually thought she was joking!!!!!! She wasn't, she did it and I was blowing my top, couldnt believe how disrespectful she was. Dp had it out with her last night and she still can't see the problem, I know ds is fine but is that not up to us if he gets things like that?!? I don't want to be near the woman now and don't was ds near her, she's clearly gonna do want she thinks right no matter what we want!!!!!

How often do you see here? I think you need some distance. Put her off visiting so much and don't go to her at all for a bit. Then you have to be clear and assertive, just say no if she tries to hog him and if you don't like her saying all his good points come from her side make a joke of it. Of course it's a silly thing but in the middle of her undermining you it stings I suppose.

Firstly she's wrong about the feeding. Ignore her. Her advice could make your baby sick.

Secondly, is there any way you can avoid seeing her for a couple of months. Can you go to your mum's or something, or can you get your dp to agree that you shouldn't see her.

You sound pretty tough and like you know what's right, but I would just warn that this kind of persistent undermining and criticism can lead to depression in new mothers.

It's good that your partner is supportive but I bet your MIL will start putting on a pityfest soon to make you feel guilty, if you carry through with standing up to her. Your partner will be the first to feel sorry for her.

I advise having a go yourself, even losing your temper, to shut her up and stop it in its tracks. She's being rude, intrusive and bang out of order and she's taking risks with your baby - YOUR baby.

Keep her out of your house, is my advice, and keep her away from the baby if you go to hers.

What she's doing is very wrong. Always the one to push the pram, hold the baby, on the watch while you change a nappy?

You need to find a way to tell her to get lost. Pehaps I'm over-iknvesting, or projecting, or whatever it's called but by God that sort of behaviour needs nipping in the bud.

Thanks. We see her every couple of weeks however we are on hols with her until tomorrow! I feel like leaving today! Aww I know she will obviously see the good points from their side of the family but it's like she repeats herself and to be honest she makes me feel like I'm not part if the family and she's granny and she knows best!! Surely she has had her time bringing up her kids now it's our time!?
When I was pregnant she told me that she gave another 6mo grandchild a peice of toast and her step daughter was mortified, that made me wary from day one, now she's practising on my child and thinks she can because she's granny and she knows best. It's causing a lot of trouble in my relationship with dp!

She doesn't know best. I've never said end of in my life but END OF!

You know best. That's that.

Why is it causing problems with DP? Is it because he agrees with her or won't stand up for you? If so, the two of you need to have a serious chat about ground rules for your baby and how to deal with MIL.

But if you and DP are arguing because you are getting so stressed about it, you need to calm down a bit. Remember he is her mother and he won't want to hear you going on and on about how annoying she is. My mum drives me mad sometimes but I still get v defensive if DH criticises her.

You and DP need to present a united front and ignore her well-meant advice.

Also - don't go on holiday with her again! A holiday with my MIL would not be my idea of fun!

Of course she's getting stressed about it. Wouldn't you? It's horribly controlling behaviour.

Yikes. I would be furious. I'm a GP and you don't give babies solids before 17 weeks minimum because their kidneys are not mature enough to cope with it and it can damage them. Unfortunately there are lots of older generation folk who started their babies on baby rice very early and 'they turned out fine'. Most of us also know a Joe Bloggs who has smoked all his life and is the peak of health at the ripe old age of 90, but to base whether or not to smoke on him rather than the many people who contracted heart disease or lung cancer would not seem to be the sensible option. Regardless of the fact that her giving your baby tastes of solids could actually harm him, her general behaviour sounds disrespectful and overbearing. She may well just be very excited to have a grandchild, wanting to be very involved, and thinks that her experience and advice should benefit you - in which case she needs politely telling, ideally by your dh, that she needs to back off and let you do things your way. She certainly has experience of babies, but a long time ago, and all babies are different, and we have a whole lot more medical research now that tells us what is / isn't safe or healthy for our babies which it would be silly to ignore. I hope your dp backs you up on this. He may not feel quite the same as you because she is his mum and he may be more happy to take advice from her, and it is you that she is undermining more than him, but he needs to man up to her a bit particularly regarding the feeding, which is just not on. I think my blood pressure went up a bit on your behalf just reading your post! All the best.

Tell her to back off, you are the babies mum and you make the decisions. Just don't let her take control of these situations. I was quite clear and firm with MIL that I was in charge.

But also put it a bit in perspective - it's not like she has done anything horrendous and I do think your indignation is a little bit over the top and PFB.

Just reign her in a bit.