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Dealing with the mother in law?

11 replies

Nora2012 · 07/08/2013 20:31

I'd like some advice on how to deal with my MIL as I'm out of ideas about how to cope with her. The woman has a way of making my blood boil. Since my dd was born last December she's literally become a nightmare. She is disrespectful about my parenting, telling anyone who'll listen about what I'm doing wrong, DD apparently cries all the time, is underweight cause I don't feed her enough, doesn't sleep through yet etc. none of this is based on any fact, like every other opinion she holds. We see her at least once a week, which she moans isn't enough and during our visits it's a constant battle with her. She undermines me at any opportunity, for example this week she declared DD was thirsty so she'd get her a cordial. I politely declined as we don't give her adult cordial and said the cup of milk was in reach if DD wanted it. She ignored me and fetched a drink in an glass, to the point where I physically had to stand between her and DD to stop her. I know it sounds petty but if I've said no and explained that we don't give her adult juice because of the sugars, why isn't that enough to stop her. I feel if I let her ignore me things will only get worse. We constantly battle over similar things, she tried to take to spoon out my hand when we're feeding, grabbed the pram when I turned to lock the back door and even snatched her out of my arms when I was burping her mid breast-feed.
Do I have to tell her to butt out or is this behaviour normal??? I

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Littlefish · 07/08/2013 20:34

It's not normal behaviour. Your dh (with you) needs to have a very firm word with her and make it clear that you find her behaviour unacceptable and that if it continues, her weeks visits will have to happen less frequently.

Does your DH feel the same as you?

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 07/08/2013 20:36

You have the patience of a saint OP. I'd have punched her by now.

Nora2012 · 07/08/2013 20:37

He finds it very annoying and tries to block it where possible but she's a bully. DH and his brother are both unable to really stand up to her. She's spent the last 35 years being very negative to them so they're not the most confident. Which is all the more reason I'm worried about her future around DD.

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Nora2012 · 07/08/2013 20:39

Moose, thanks, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it!

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Littlefish · 07/08/2013 20:43

If she is a bully then you absolutely need to limit her visits. Be very clear with her about why you are cutting them down, and do not back down. You need to have your DH absolutely with you on this and ensure that he does not back down either.

Nora2012 · 07/08/2013 20:51

I think you're right. I've made it clear to DH that he's free to visit her as often as he like, if he wants to put up with it that's his choice. She's always been very opinionated but pre-child I just smiled and nodded as it wasn't worth a fight. Now I realise I've got to protect DD.

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Strokethefurrywall · 08/08/2013 19:50

Bloody hell, I would have bitch slapped her by now, you have the patience of a saint OP.

If your DH is in agreement but isn't confident enough then its up to you to do it. Next time she tries to pull one of her stunts, look her directly in the eye keep your voice low and threatening and tell her that if she continues to behave the way she is behaving, she will no longer be welcome in your house. Make sure she knows that you're serious.

Bullies only have power if you give it to them. Take that power back for all your sakes. I hate confrontation (although I'm quite good at it if I have to be) and I can only imagine how difficult it is, but you do not need somebody in your life who belittles your choices as a mother. You're doing wonderfully.

And if all else fails, resort to the bitch slap....or tell her with a sickly smile on your face and some wide crazy eyes that you'll kill her and make it look like an accident if she dares question your parenting methods again.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/08/2013 19:51

So sorry. I think I got carried away. But people like this make my fucking piss boil.

I'm pregnant and feel sick and hormonal. I'm not usually this vengeful (liar emoticon)

Nora2012 · 08/08/2013 20:02

Ha! Thanks, blame the pregnancy hormones while you can! I will try the confident but relatively polite explaing it's not going to be allowed to continue and see where that gets me. But I'll keep plan b in mind. The FIL has just text DH to say he must compliment her new hair colour when we see her this weekend as she feels no one notices her since DD came along. I wish I could "not notice her".

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Strokethefurrywall · 08/08/2013 20:29

Ah jaysus, she feels no one notices her since DD came along?? What is she, 4 years old?

Go completely overboard when you see her next about how her new colour looks lovely, really compliments her features... and then drop in right at the end "makes you look a little older". And then smile very sweetly. G'wan I dare you!!

Seriously, I think turning the tables and giving her a taste of her own nasty medicine might be just the thing Grin - if you don't feel in the position to confront her directly, just start having a little fun of your own. If she starts behaving like a 4 year old, start treating her like one. Talk to her in a baby voice, keep it very condescending.

As soon as you take away her power, she'll having nothing to come at you with. Two can play at that game.

angeltattoo · 09/08/2013 08:00

This won't get better, only worse, so you need to tackle it.

Personally, I would be agreeing and setting limits with DH beforehand, then visiting only with him, never without him. Then I would very firmly stand my ground in everything she says or does that is out of line. If she is a bully who is used to getting her own way, this will shock and upset her, but as she has made it clear she has no respect for you whatsoever taking your DD halfway through a BF WTF then I think you are totally justified.

Weekly visits wouldn't be happening if someone was that rude and disrespectful to me...

Good luck!

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