Working mum, stay at home mum. Whatever works....

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I have been. listening to the recent debates on mums worku or not. The whole thing has brought me down and am sitting with 4 month old in tears.

I would love to spend more time at home with my children but as the main earner I have no choice. However I have equal respect for SAHM or working mums.

I return to work FT when baby is 11 months. She will be. on nursery 3 days, grandparents 1 day and dp 1 day in wk, me at wkend. Will this damage her? She will be 12 months when starts nursery.

I am finding this all so hard and dp doesn't want to discuss because he feels bad that doesn't earn more.

I'm a sahm because I can be if our situation was different maybe I would be at work. Ds2 has autism so that impacts decisions about childcare etc.
I feel guilty sometimes that the sole responsibility for finances falls on dh's shoulders. More money would be great right now but me working brings about other complications.

Like you said whatever works for your family. There's no such thing as having it all.

It is hard. Mothers are damned if they do damned if they don't. I know friends and family who have made various decisions. Some stay at home, others work full time and others part time. All make some sort of sacrifice. You give up time with children and may have to pay for cleaners and child care. Or you lose your career or earning potential. All you can do is make the best of your option. Your baby and grandparents will have the potential to build a close bond with this regular routine.

No one can tell you what do to, but you need to find a solution that makes all of you happy. Going back to work is hard regardless of how many days you return. I went back to work full time and lasted about a month before i put in a request to drop to 3 days a week because I couldn't put my son in nursery 5 days a week, it just wasn't right for us. All I can say is go back, but don't view it as permanent situation. You will be surprised what you can figure out if you have to.

If I reduced my hours we would have to sell house etc, my salary is the highest by a fair bit. I'm effectively the main earner. This doesn't cause me any concern as this is how it has always been.
I just find all this talk about how bad it is for children to be in childcare at the moment has really got to me.

Does anyone know the real facts? Is three days a week in nursery for a 12 month old bad, would two days be better until they are 2?

If there are any child behaviourists/psychologists who are up to speed on research, would you be able to let me know?

In some ways me and DP are weirdly lucky, we didn't plan our first DC and we were not at all prepared! Now I think about it I never even entered into a discussion with DP as to what my working hours would be I just agreed part time hours with DP and arranged childcare (I'm very fortunate, my family all live close by so we all pitch in for childcare)
Somehow its just all worked out.
I don't feel bad at all for DP shouldering the majority of the finances for the family, as I shoulder the vast majority of the care/organising/housework and that works for us. I think it helps that DP is very driven to succeed, its massively important to him for a number of reasons apart from just providing financially and because I know that and believe in him and want him to live up to his own expectations I work hard to support him in that.
It is just a case of whatever works for you. I'll always work abit to earn my own money, because I want to, but financially its DP that offers us the security.

Tweet I was (and am) main breadwinner and DS was f/t nursery from 6 months. He had one named main carer (who was fantastic) for the first 18 months and is now a far more social child than I ever was (I am a child of a SAHM) and has bags of confidence. Yesterday the holiday club leader said to me that they had got a lot of new children coming to the club for the first time and it was DS who was helping them, cheering them up and generally showing huge amounts of empathy.
We went the attachment parenting route, under the assumption that if he was brought up knowing how much he is loved and valued and his needs met, then it would compensate for me having to work. Never did CIO or any of the baby training things. We just followed his lead and he has grown into a very secure child.

So if you are there for your DD and she knows how much you care, then chances are she should be just fine.

However I have got flak for being a f/t mum at times, that won't go away! neither does the guilt!

Don't cry!! Of course this won't damage her. How lovely to get to go a nursery and make friends, then spend time bonding with her dad and her grandparents. And then get to relish her special time with her mum at the weekends.

My best friend is a working mum (five days, full time) as she's the breadwinner (her girls do two days at nursery, three days with DH) - and her little girls have an incredibly close bond with her and adore her. She's still the main caregiver - even though it's her husband at home with them during the weekdays.

In many countries it would be seen as a total luxury that a mother gets to stay at home all day looking after the children. And in many european countries - such as France (well paris at least) it would be seen as very unusual for a mother to stay at home and not go back to work. They send their kids to nursery five days a week from a very early age.

I'm a SAHM now, and I've also worked, and their are advantages and disadvantages to both. We're all doing the best we can. Dont' beat yourself up. Really!

Op, don't worry.

Because I work flexibly from home, my own DC have never needed child care. I would love to tell you that my years with them have produced young people far more special and wonderful than their friends whose parents used child care...

But hand on heart? I can't.

They're great kids. But so are their mates who had nannies/au pairs/grand mas etc looking afterthem.

Now you will find some fools, desperate to tell you otherwise. That their DC are more wonderful and special. That all those DC of working mothers are clingy/sad/under achievers. These women, and it is nearly always women, are quite simply not worth listening to .

Can you return 4 days for a limited time? That might ease you into it?

OP I feel your pain, I am in the same boat. I've just gone back to work and DD is 5 months old. She's in nursery 1 day per week and DP has her for the rest of the week. DP will be starting a new job soon and her nursery days will increase.
I was in tears last night because I wouldn't get to spend her days with her and I was thinking of all the milestones I'll probably miss.
I never thought I'd say this but I'd absolutely love to be a SAHM but it's absolutely not an option, I earn about 3 times as much as DP.
On the plus side, all the children I know who have been to nursery from an early age seem to be exceptionally sociable little people, with bags of confidence and communication skills.
I have learnt very quickly to make the most of every second with DD.

Working makes you value the time you do get to spend with your LO all the more i think. If you're doing all the childcare every day, you probably yearn for some time alone. But i can honestly say that i love every minute i spend with my DS and this gives me more patience to deal with him when he is being difficult. We have an exceptionally close bond. He will be 3 in November, but has been with a CM since 9 months old. I too am the main wage earner and my DH and I juggle hours and childcare between us. I think it's just as important for a child to spend as much time as possible with their dad as with their mum.

DS has certainly not been damaged. He is loving, confident, happy and sociable and he enjoys a close bond with both his parents as well as the wider family.

There are some very sane sentiments on this thread! My 16 mo DS is thriving in his nursery (full time too.) I love the idea of dads & grandparents helping out, but unfortunately geography meant that's not an option for us. Really important that you're happy with your nursery (or childminder/nanny) as this is the key to success. Good and bad variants exist in all categories, even (dare I say) SAHPs who don't enjoy being with little ones, even their own. DS is learning and growing, but most importantly, he's a very happy little boy.

we have done a combination of bloody good nursery and one out two days with grandparents for both kids from age one. they seem as happy confident and attached as any other children I have met and now the youngest is starting school and I still have a career that I enjoy and we are able to pay for a roof over their heads your plans look good.try it out and adjust if it's not working.flexibility is the key.I don't think I realised how often I would have to juggle arrangements to suit varying needs

Don't worry OP. I'm in a similar position but surrounded by Swedish people, where mums going back to work is absolutely the norm and lots of happy balanced little children attend nursery every day.

Don't cry! I know plenty of children who went to nursery as babies and they're all sociable, well-adjusted, happy children.

My own DD is going 3 days a week from 10 months old (and GPs the other two days) and I think it'll be great. She'll get the opportunities to do loads of stuff she wouldn't be able to do with just me, with people who understand her development far better than I do. I'm making a conscious decision to give up most of my own 'extra curricular' commitments so I have plenty of time to spend with DD when I'm not at work.

You have to do what's right for your family. Don't feel you have to justify it to anyone else.

I am not a psychologist and not up with latest research but have read the original works by Bowlby who first argued for the notion of attachment, and you might be surprised to hear that one of his examples of attachment is a kibbutz where the children were effectively cared for by the community rather than in nuclear families ofr 23 hours a day...but the children still had very strong attachment bonds to their actual parents.
He is somewhat surprised by this too and pretty clear that quantity of time is not the main issue when it comes to attachment.

It is a relatively accessible read,if you fancy it. Esp if happy to skip the less interesting bits!

Thank you so much for all of your kind responses. You have helped me put things into a better perspective. I am a bit more reassured that if done properly no harm may be done from nursery. Thanks for the reference up upsydaisy, I will check it out.
I'm going to try and make the most of my mat leave now and try not too get too upset about going back to work.