Problem with granfather (FIL). Help!

[natthecat]

Really long rant - sorry!
I have a problem with my FIL - and I don't know what to do about it. He is a great grandad to my 22month old ds - they both adore each other. He takes him out every other week for the best part of a day, and I get a good break. So far so good. From day one of ds being born, the fil won't listen to my requests when it comes to looking after my ds. The two main problem areas are: feeding him rubbish food, and getting him home at a reasonable hour. Basically, me and my dh agree that we don't give our ds sweets/crisps/cakes etc as he is more than happy to eat fruit (by the truck load!). We know it can't be avoided forever, but we are happy to encourage the healthy options as long as possible. And as for home time - we have a very good routine running that has resulted in a happy child who eats well, goes to bed easily, sleeps through, and is rarely irritable and cross. So, you can imagine my frustration when the fil will consistently bring ds home late (often more than an hour past dinner time), and has always fed him ice cream or chocolate (and then lies about it!!). I have never once complained about it to fil, but I do calmly repeat my request not to feed him any rubbish (and I provide healthy alternatives), and to remind him when he needs to be home for dinner. I don't think it is unreasonable - especially as he is with him from midday until 5.30pm - so has plenty of fun grandad time.
However, last week was the final straw. I was more insitent that usual that ds be brought home by dinner time (5.30) as his dad had not seen hime for a couple of days due to working late. Just before 5pm I get a call from fil saying he was running late (was over an hour's drive away in a pub garden), so he would feed him dinner there and then bring him home. I said 'no' as my dh was desparate to see his son. Fortunately, ds was brought home - but it was over an hour past his dinner - he was irritable, hungry and very tired. Then I noticed the ice cream stains down his T-shirt. When I questionned it, I was told - oh it was only one - what's the big deal. Well the big deal is I had SPECIFICALLY asked you not to feed him that stuff. I didn't say anything to him, as I do not feel it is my place to reprimand an IL. So, my dh called him up and said he needed to respect our wishes for bringing up our ds. Of course, he got very defensive and suprisingly angry - to which my dh said he had no right to be angry with us - he should respect our decisions, and not just go ahead and do what he wants. So, I thought it was all over with, and was pleased with dh's support - until the next day, when I discovered that the FIL had called the MIL (they are separated) and told her that I am trying to stop him from seeing his grandson, and that I have never liked him and am turning his own son against him!!! I couldn't believe it. I have been so upset since that he could think that of me - I have always been polite, and chatty with him - we have many phone chats when he calls to ask abut his grandson, and he alwasy stays for coffee after he has brought ds home. ANd I have never once stopped him from seeing my ds - and have often rearranged plans so that he doesn't miss out on seeing him. But apparently, he believes I treat him unfairly, and that I have been trying to deprive him of his grandson since the start. He sees ds more than any of the other granparents, and yet he says I favour all the other grandparents over him, and never let him spend any time with him. It is all so untrue, and hurtful! What can I do about it? My dh called him again and said it was absolutley not the case (very supportive) but then agreed to let him spend more time with our ds! I do not feel that this has solved the issue as I am devastated that he could think that of me. Was he just trying to deflect form the fact that he was in the wrong by blaming it all on me? Does this mean he has never liked me? How do I proceed with this. If he wasnt family, I would probably cut my connections and be glad not to have someone who could lie about me in my life - but that is not an option. What do I do?

he sounds like an utter child.

I agree, he prob feels guilty for not bringing your ds home in time and being told off by you and your dh.

Can you and your dh find a good time to sit down with him and talk it through?

He probably doesn't appreciate that parents these days don't think an afternoon of ice-creams and sweets is a fantastic treat, or possibly he thinks that's a grandparent's role in life? My gran fed us loads of chocolate against my mum's wishes - we weren't allowed any at home and thought it was great but I'd be fuming if anyone did that with my ds.

And maybe he thinks your ds's tiredness at the end of the day is normal for him, because he doesn't see what he's like on other days?

I think your ds is lucky to have such an involved grandad. Hope you can sort this out with him.

hi I agree that all 3 of you need to discuss this together and sort it out. You can tell you FIL from me that he should think himself very lucky and spoilt as no grandparent has ever taken my two children out for so much as 30mins. over protective - of course but can't stand the thought that something might happen to them whilst I'm not there. If you can't arrange a meeting why not write a letter to him saying what you said here. Its all very reasonable and I think people have difficulty facing emotions and when he reads how hurt you are and how you like him and have made time for him that should strike a cord. If he's a decent chap anyway.
Also I think you might just have to accept the junk food issue as being your childs once a fortnight fix! not ideal but I used to worry myself silly about the biscuits, crisps and chocolate my child ate at toddler group once a week(fed to her by other mums!!) now I just accept it and make sure her diet is fantastic for the rest of the week. You could always compromise with that and insist he brings your DS home on time. good luck!

I think that maybe one ice-cream a week is not really the end of the world. Can you not compromise and say that he can have one treat each time FIL has him?

My parents are of the 'well, it's a treat' brigade. I think that's what gps are for really. Parents are strict, gps give treats. As long as he's not feeding nothing but rubbish, I wouldn't personally be too concerned.

I have to say I would let the ice creams and treats go, but that is just me. If my child was not getting many other treats in the week and had a few with his Grandad once a week I would be quite pleased :o I would be upset about bringing him home late as, routine aside, you just worry don't you when you're a Mum.

I think given the situation, I would invite him to stay for a coffee when he drops your DS off next and have a chat and tell him he needs to bring your DS home on time because he has been out all day doing lots of sxciting things with Grandad and he will be tired and you miss him and want him home,a nd thank him for caring for your boy and having him for you and say you are grateful for the break, but personally I would not mention the icecreams.

Good luck!

Many thanks for all your comments and advice. However, I think I might have been unclear about what has upset me the most. The ice cream and chocolate I can let go (as I have had to do many occasion already). I have spoken to my fil on many occasions about my preference to bring ds hom on time - always in a light and friendly manner - so that is not the problem. My problem is that when he actually is spoken to about actually listening to what I have asked, and perhaps trying to follow our wishes - he accuses me of starting a campaign to stop him seeing his grandson. This whole thing has become personal and hurtful, and has placed me in the bad guy postition - all because he did not want to hear a criticism about his not EVER following our instructions. If it had been me - I would hope that I would be able to discuss it as an adult, express my opinions (if they were justified) and maybe even apologise for disrespecting myself and my dh as parents. I WOULD NOT lie about the situation and pass all blame onto somone else. My dh and I had generally agreed that once my dh had spoken to his dad, we would accept that we had tried to make him listen, and just accept what happened next. We were not expecting him to say angry, hurtful, and untrue things about me. There is now a great deal of friction in the family, and no-one knows what to think. We were all at a funeral last week, and he completely ignored me when I tried to talk to him, and he went round the table kssing everyone goodbye - and ignored me completely. How do I deal with that??

Wow, I think it must have blown out of all proportion! Poor you.

send him a card - thank you for being a wonderful grandfather - and sign it from your ds and then add a bit on the bottom - I really hope we can get this sorted out.

He is an old bloke and old blokes are real stubborn buggers. Underneath he's scared and sad but would never admit it. It prob feels like he's 'won' but it'll be worth it in the long run.

Scattercushion's card idea is a great one - you could maybe use it to invite him round to tea to discuss the situation and see if you can come to a compromise that you're all happy with. If he wants to continue to see your DS he's going to have to see and speak to you some time or he'll be cutting off his nose to spite his face!

Oh what a silly old man. In the end your ds will be more harmed by losing contact with an adoring grandparent than by being fed an icecream or 2.

I'd say be the bigger party (thinking of the best for ds), swallow your pride and beg forgiveness.

Tell fil that you greatly appreciate what a lovely influence he has been in ds's life, that you really don't want him to lose touch and you are so sorry to have hurt his feelings.

You are right (if a bit 'unrelaxed' over the icecream ) but sometimes right or wrong doesn't matter. Do what yopu can for your ds and poor dh caught up in the middle.

When I read your initial post I thought that maybe you could reach a compromise on the icecream/chocolate and agree that this should be his fortnightly treat and maybe arrange the time so that your fil could give your ds his dinner, thus avoiding the hungry/over tired phase when your ds returns past his dinner time. However …

Having read your follow-up post I think that your fil is being petty, childish and manipulative, I absolutely do not think you should have to apologise for anything as has been suggested in other posts. I know only too well how it feels for an inlaw to turn against you as my Fil did not speak to me for two years following an argument, and I found out that the family had pretty much been slagging me off for some time before that, when all along I had thought that they actually liked me.

you need to sit down with your fil and discuss everything you have mentioned in your posts, you should do this with both your dh and your Mil present. I know that he and your mil are separated, but she’s been hearing everything second hand and therefore I thinkshe should be there to hear both sides of the story and therefore be able to make her own judgments without your fil bitching to her over the phone about the dreadful things you’ve done. I think that you can compromise, but should be very clear that your ds is your son, and that you bring him up as you see fit. And if that means you would like him home at a set time, then your fil should respect and abide by those wishes. Maybe say that you do understand your fil’s desire to feed your ds icecream/chocolate/whatever other crap he prefers, but could he at least do it in moderation and be honest about doing so. Being able to have a nice relationship with his granddad is lovely for your ds, but your fil should remember that your ds is a child, not a toy to be played with and returned when he feels like it. If your fil fails to listen to any of this and continues with his hate campaign, then I would cancel the visits and tell your fil that when he learns to grow up he can take your ds out again, but for the time being you don’t consider him to be a positive influence on your son. Good luck