Most of the time we're out in public I'm struggling not to cry

[ThreeGoMad]

I have a 4.5 yo DD and a just 2 yo DS and I'm really struggling atm.

DD is fine but obviously wants my attention a lot of the time. DS is a delight but is also a complete PITA - he's a climber/bolter/cupboard emptier, which DD just never was. He finds running away from me hilarious, and although I know it's only fun because I chase him, most of the time it's towards a main road/open water/wolves etc which means I can't just ignore it. Also he seems to have no sense of "I can't see mummy any more, perhaps I should turn around and go back now".

He can also be very aggressive with other children, pushing and biting. We went to the library the other morning but only stayed about ten minutes (thought it would fill a morning) because he kept going up to the same little girl and shoving her over and making her cry. I removed him every time, sat him on my knee, told him we don't push, told him he could stroke or pat etc but it makes no difference. I feel as though we can't go to baby groups/soft play/anywhere where there are other people in case he bites. He bit someone at soft play this morning.

We went out for lunch the other day and it felt like it was one thing after the other, just little things like them being overexcited so squealing and lying on the floor, spilling their drinks, but I find it so stressful.

That's it really. Think I just need to know it gets easier. And also spend more time putting on our coats and going on brisk walks where there are no other people :(

My DS is the same age and sounds exactly the same. He's a bolter, runs away from me at every opportunity and doesn't look back. Reins don't work because he tends to lie on the ground throwing a fit in them.
I have locks on cupboards, wardrobes, the toilet. I had to remove furniture in the living room and push sofa and chairs against the wall to stop him launching off the back of them.
He pulls at everything he can get his hands on, given that he's tall for his age that's a lot of things so I've had to completely reorganise the house, basically.
I have to carry him into and out of the car because he'd bolt if I let him walk.

I sympathise because it is so tiring. I wouldn't bring DS near a cafe or restaurant unless totally necessary. The last time we did DH placed his high chair too close to the table and he pulled everything off it, chucked milk everywhere.
At the moment I strap him into his buggy unless we're in a park or playground where it's safe to let him run.

My sister had three boys, all in their teens now. Two of them weren't like my DS, they'd walk beside you, hold your hand. The other was exactly like our boys, he was hard work. But it didn't last, he calmed down once he started playschool.
I'm waiting patiently myself .....honest I know where you're coming from. I look forward to the day I can take DS to 'places'.

Oh I do feel for you. Mine had me in tears today in public, luckily nobody was looking! Do you take a pushchair with you? I think violator has a good approach, keep them contained unless in an area suitable for running around! Not very fun for him, but a necessary consequence of running off I think.

He will grow out of it one day, I promise. As soon as he's old enough for a scooter that's a great motivator - you can be really strict about road safety and general awareness and staying close and remove scooting privileges if these are broken. But I think a lot of it is age.

If he struggles to interact appropriately with other children how about something more structured like tumble tots where it's about taking turns rather than being a free for all?

Been there (trying not to cry in public - and too busy to cry at home) lots of times. It always passes and I'm sure that your son is just going through a stage as he's too young to be ale to inhibit his impulses and sounds line he has lots of energy. Physical outdoorsy stuff is good fun and healthy anyway. Do you have any local friends who have a similar child so that you have company?

OP it will get easier.

DS (now 5) bolted a lot. He wore one of those backpacks with a leash strap from 2 until 3ish. He did strop with it on, but basically I made him wear it.

He didn't bite but his friend at nursery did and he grew out of it. I know how embarressing his mum found it etc.

I used the naughty step (realised not sure what the MN jury view on naughty step is....ekkk ) a lot. It seemed to work, it also helped give me a break from him and vice versa at a heated moment.

I used to take toys (little people/cars) out with me for distraction purposes and he still takes toys out with him now.

Am sure you have already tried some of this but wanted to mention.

It will pass.....

Good luck.

Thank you all.

I was having counselling for anxiety when he was younger and think it would probably help again but I didn't really like my counsellor and can't really face jumping through all the hoops necessary to get another one, plus I don't really have the time.

I do have a pushchair, but, annoyingly, smashed the buckle in the boot door so there's no way of securing him in it. I do have a carrier and carry him if he's particularly bad at bolting but he weighs a ton! He has a scooter, has for a few months now and goes like the clappers on it - particularly good for getting away from me!

We are going to try Tumble Tots/similar in September I think. He's so insanely physical. If you're happy to catch and throw wtih him then you hav ea friend for life, he's like a bloody Labrador.

He's starting preschool in Sept, hoping that will help too.

Thank you.

If you buy a set of reins you can attach them to the D-rings in the pushchair. Much cheaper than a new pushchair but I think this is absolutely vital for teaching them road safety. Think of it as levels - he has to prove he can consistently behave on the current level to be allowed to go up one, and if he misbehaves then he has to go back a level.

Levels for us are:

1. Being in pushchair strapped in
2. Holding hands - must hold nicely without pulling or struggling etc
3. Walking beside me sensibly without holding hands but staying on the pavement side, listening to instructions etc
4. Being allowed to walk/run ahead but not go out of sight, must stop at roads and follow instructions etc.
5. Being allowed possession of an instrument of speed ie scooter! Again must stop at roads & corners and cannot go past the next pedestrian.

(You could add reins between 0 and 1 - DS used to sit down and refuse to walk). We don't use a pushchair at all now as he is nearly 5 but I absolutely could not have "trained" him to walk by roads without it, and we don't have a car so it was really really important that I could trust him. I always go back 1 level for crossing roads - warn them before you get to the road that they will have to hold hands/sit in pushchair etc and you get less struggle when you get there.

Another thing he might like is the stop and go game? It's basically you set it up as a game where you say go, they run, you say stop, they have to stop as fast as they can - you can make it into a competition if you want. Try to catch them out with the stops! The idea is to get them so in tune with the idea of stopping when you say stop that it's instinctive, and when there's a real danger you can say stop and they will just do it without thinking.

Think I must've missed point of thread. Sorry. I play a game with my kiss to prevent them from roaming too far ahead. Sticky fingers. Probably easier if not played on a scooter though. I say sticky fingers and then count down from 5 to 1 as my fingers count down too. They have to grab my fingers to get as many points as they can. Rubbish explanation. I also liked the Tommee Tippee reigns best as softer.

I had a bolter - he's now 7.

On reflection, I think I have him a bit too much freedom too early (when DS2 needed the pushchair).

2 is very young. I remember sprinting after DS1 on his scooter screaming at him to stop. Actually I shouldn't have m older.

My suggestion would be to get the pushchair fixed/use the reins suggestion, and then give him freedom in small stages.

I just wanted to offer sympathy. I have a school-aged DD and a 2yo DS and am only now appreciating how "good" DD was with regard to staying with me, listening, not running off. DS is a bolter and it is bloody hard work with the pair of them out together if DH isn't there.

TBH I try to either strap DS in (if the pushchair is no good, can you buy a smart trike with a seatbelt/harness? I bought one on eBay) or try to use childcare and play dates so that I don't have to deal with both of them together too often. I would rather have them play in our back garden than venture to the playground!

I'm watching this thread with interest for tips on how to stop them running off!

DS was definitely closer to 4 when he got his first scooter. I think at 2 they are best kept as toys rather than transport. We used the pushchair until he started nursery at 3.3 and for about 6 months after if going on a long walk but not all the time.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, the harness from most reins detaches and can be used as a harness for pushchairs, highchairs etc. I got some from Asda for about £7.