Am I being a doormat?

[stowsettler]

I've posted this in Going Back to Work, but as I did so I came to realise that it's more of a parenting issue.

Situation:

1 DD, 5 months old
2 Jack Russells, age irrelevant

I'm responsible for mornings, i.e. I get up 6am to walk dogs, then get DD up, feed her and play with her til 8am. Then I go to work (full time since 1st Aug). DP is SAHD and takes over at 8am.

Evenings: we take it in turns to either cook or do bedtime. Fine - no issues. DP does dream feed at 11pm, because I'm in bed by 9.30pm latest.

This is a new routine as I've been home on mat leave up to now. This morning, DP was annoyed because DD whinged while I was out with the dogs, wanting to get up. She often does this, but we are agreed that her getting-up time is 6.45ish, and so in the past while on mat leave I've just gone into her, made sure she's ok, reassured her then went back to bed. But this morning he just said that this routine isn't going to work and we have to find another way because he needs to sleep until I go to work (he doesn't come to bed til around 1am).

AIBU to think that he's just gonna have to suck it up or come to bed earlier? FFS, I get up 2 hours before I have to leave in order to sort out baby and dogs, so that he gets more sleep. I don't mind doing this because I get some time with my 3 precious babies but I was royally pissed off this morning because it felt like it was my fault that DD wanted to get up and was disturbing his sleep.

Thoughts?

He has to suck it up, act like a grown up and get up to his child.

My DH does the same thing staying up late (think he enjoys the quiet time), however we do split the dog/child duties so I do kids and he does dog-walking. If he's tired it's his own fault for staying up late and he just deals with it...we certainly don't change the arrangement on the back of his decision to stay up late.

Some people do naturally have their sleep-clock set later than others, so he isn't necessarily 'wrong' to come to bed later.

I'd be interested to hear what he has to suggest if he thinks this isn't working for him. But, since it sounds reasonably fair at the moment, his suggestion has to balance out to be equally fair if he wants to change.

Routines do have to change and adapt if they aren't working well - it just depends if the suggestions for change are all 'you do more of it while I sleep' or if they balance out.

I'm with you on the FFS front. It sounds like he needs to suck it up, look at his priorities and stop being such a typical, selfish bloke who expects things to be exactly the same as before kids came along be a bit more realistic in his expectations: lying in until 8am just isn't a possibility when you have a baby FFS.

It's a grind having a child with different sleep patterns to you. However (at only 5 months) there is no way to negotiation to keep her in bed longer. If baby is awake and he is also, then baby's needs come first. There should be no expectation of 8am starts until a child is ready to stay in bed ( could be a number of years yet). If your daughter turns out to be an early riser permanently then there is permanent adjustment to be made. At the moment; I think the routine is perfectly reasonable. Kids need early morning attention when they are awake - just the way it is!

I have just spoken to him, and he has realised how difficult it is for me to do it all before I leave for work, and accepts that he will either have to get up to DD if she wakes while I'm out with the dogs, or walk the dogs himself!
Just realised I painted a pretty black picture of him. He's really great actually and totally committed to her and to being a SAHD. It's just that he's incredibly precious about his sleep.
I was doing 1-2 days per week in work before coming back full time and on those days I was able to do everything. But of course that was because I didn't have to be in work for any particular time, as I was doing them a favour just coming in (came back part time on my terms shortly after going on mat leave due to staffing etc issues).

We are usually in opposite situation - when DS was small I was on maternity leave while DH worked full-time but I was also juggling completing a PhD and teaching one day a week. When DS was 11 months I started a new part-time job. Now I'm on maternity leave awaiting arrival of DS2.

So I have been more or less a SAHM for first year of DS1's life and I'm considering taking a break from work now and taking next few years to be SAHM with a bit of freelance writing work on the side to look after the DSs.

Anyway, when I am off work and being the stay at home parent, then the morning routine is my job. I look after the child, make breakfast, sometimes even make DH his lunch to take to work. I also make dinner in the evenings and then really all DH has to do is bath time and do his fair share at the weekends.

A lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I think if you are the stay at home parent, then if the baby is up from 6am you are up then too. After all, the full-time working parent has to be in work, on time and in good shape to get through a day of work while I can take a nap when the baby naps, I can be in pyjamas til lunchtime if I really want to, I don't have a boss to report to, performance reviews to get through and the responsibility of bringing in the household income. So if the shoe was on the other foot and I was the one going out to work full-time but still getting up at 6am to walk dogs / do breakfast etc and my DH grumbled about having to get the baby up before 8am I think I would really lose my temper about that.

He's being an arse, and it's good that he realised that.
Most of us are precious about our sleep, but having decided to be parents then sometimes what you want and like comes a long way down the list.
I had a SAHP until my eldest was 6, we both worked hard. Good Luck.

Thanks LittleMissSnowShine, that's sort of how I feel - although I do enjoy my time with DD before I go to work, so I wouldn't ask him to get up at 6 - but that's just a personal thing.
I think what's really rankling with me is the fact that I'm out at work and he's with her all day long. Just thinking about it makes me tearful. I miss her and I want to be with her. It's really hard being apart.
I have to balance this with the fact that, when I am with her, it can be very hard and relentless. There were times when I was on mat leave I just wanted some time to myself.
But it's different now.

stow - Vast generalisation here, but there was absolutely no way my DH was getting up extra early to have extra time with DS before he went into work every morning when I was SAHM. Now, I usually just brought DS into bed with us after I'd changed his nappy and he'd have a feed and doze on or just play with one of his toys or something like that. But the bottom line is a lot of mums end up feeling v guilty about having to go to work and do more than their fair share to compensate for missing the DCs / feeling guilty etc. I'm like you and I would def get up early to spend more time with kids before I had to go into work but I wouldn't have a huge amount of sympathy for a grown man with a 5 month old baby who chooses to go to bed at 1am and then complains about being woken before 8! So you're not a doormat but you are also not being at all unreasonable to expect him to put your DD's needs before his own, at least for something as simple as just getting up in the morning.