Mum not working and dads involvement

[Chocolatebudgie99]

I have a 10 month old baby and am currently discussing with my wife on what she deems to be enough input and support from me in the care of our child. I run a large business while my wife is now a full time mum to our daughter. I currently look after my daughter every morning from about 5am-7.30am 7 days a Week while mum gets some extra sleep. I also will do bathtime 2-3 times in the week and both weekend dates. My wife does all other care including the night shift. I do occasionally have to go away on business so my wife does all alone although business trips are rare. At weekends I devote all my time to looking after the family. Would you say I'm doing enough in the circumstances? People I have spoken too say I'm doing too much while my wife says people say I don't do enough. Thoughts? Incidentally I have no issues doing what I do and I want to continue but not sure I can do more than what I already am what with the business etc. Thanks Alan.

what time do.you get home from work?

obviously when.you are at work.you cant look after baby but once home it should be both hands on deck, so.you are both then in duty iyswim?

given your wife does all.night wakings it seems fair enough you do the early mornings.

you dont mention.housework, cooking, cleaning etc?

do.you ever take the baby out at the weekend so your wife gets a break? do you get a break?

what about evenings out etc? do you or your wife get out either alone or together?

Sounds very reasonable to me. And certainly a lot more than many men do. But then many men do too little. Although your description of at the weekends is a bit ambiguous.

With a 10 month old if you're not both knackered there's something wrong.

Maybe you should invite your friends to a dinner party and ask them together whether it is too much or not enough. Use powerpoint!

Is the baby sleeping through yet? If so then maybe the mornings could be split a bit more so you get a 'lie in' sometimes. If not then it seems reasonable that night time interruptions are compensated.

Disclaimer: I am not a parent.

Is there really such a thing as helping your wife and looking after your own child too much?!

There's no mention of the household chores here though so I'm assuming your wife does all that in the day too?

Your wife is the only one who can guide you here to be honest though. Ask here what she needs you to do, it may be as simple as taking DC out for an hour so she can take a break etc

I wouldn't complain if my husband did that . Actually I forgot he does. I'm gonna get axed for this but no matter how much you do you will still hear a female voice saying its not enough. Or it wasn't done properly. We are ungrateful and perfectionists in the domestic area. right I'm running to bed before I get attacked lol

generally women will always do more domestic tasks whether they go out to work or stay at home women get lumbered with most of it. But I think more men help a lot these days. Yet there's still a long way to go for equality here.
I don't think you should care what other people say about you doing too much. If they're your mates and guys of course they will say you do too much, most likely they're doing very little so they will say you do lots in comparison.

only you and your wife know if its too much. My partner has his own business s he does the most in the mornings and evenings supposing he's not late due to a customer. I can't ask more of him I can see he's putting in 110% there's just no time for him to help as much as he would like. By the time he gets in I've got the kids ready for bed. Sounds like you may have a similar situation.

But if you wife feels you don't do enough perhaps it's because she nees your help not coping in a particular area speak to her.

Someone on the Relationship board has pointed out that when both parents are at home, each should have equal free time. You say weekends you devote your time to looking after the family, but I'm not sure what that means..... does this give her free time? I love the fact that you let her sleep in the early mornings!! that has to help so much. But does she ever get an actual break? Do you? This takes face-to-face discussion/negotiation imo.

Alan, I hope this perspective from a fellow hard working father will be useful. During my paternity leave my partner had to go back into hospital and our daughter came home with me every night for nearly a week. During that week I experienced what my partner goes through pretty much everyday since then (now that I'm back at work). I never fully understood or appreciated the demands of raising a child however to relate to your situation, in reality, whatever either of you do will never truly be enough. Mum is tired constantly because of night duties to allow you to rest and go and run the business. Family income, breadwinner? But I know from my own experience that looking after the little treasures during the day is equally as demanding, if not more so. Aahh they're asleep but you physically can't do all the household chores in any short window of opportunity. Ok... Essentially what I've realised is parents are both tired because of different commitments. But it is essential that both mum and dad get 'recharge' time. That isn't going to happen for dad if he comes home from work then has to take over completely because mum is exhausted. Dad will just end up being exhausted. And at the same time mum can't do everything during the day and in the evenings too.. Alan, from what I hear and it is limited, you actually can't do any more than you're doing if you tried. Maybe your wife needs to call on alternative support if she needs more support. Finding the right balance between work and family is a man's toughest obstacle. Our families need us there as often as possible but they also rely on the money we earn...

Sounds very reasonable and I am sure your dp appreciates you doing the early stints. My dp tends to do the same sort of pattern.
I agree with pp that you BOTH need free time at the weekend, but also family time.
My only am warning is that when both parents are on, sometimes a full time mum feels that she is doing it all, maybe because she knows what the dc needs and when, so try and anticipate things, maybe meal plan. I sometimes feel fed up (maybe unfairly) when do says 'let's go for a swim' and I have to point out that that won't leave enough time to get back to nap/ eat.

What other people think is reasonable is not really important is it? It's what works for you and your wife, and your child at the moment.

Your situation is unique, and will also change over time, and there is no single "correct" answer.

I think it's a tough phase and you're doing well but I wonder if your oh means she needs time at the weekends to go get her haircut, you need to ask her to be more specific about what's missing for her. When the baby sleeps longer and isn't up so early, perhaps you can take her out for a few hours on the weekend? Especially if you have been away. Alternatively, 10 months isn't too early to pay for a few sessions in nursery, it doesn't have to be always you or her. But I agree, it matters what you both think, every relationship has to negotiate this.

Hi Alan,

I think the question of 'Am I doing enough?' has to go to your wife - even though it is nice to get a general indication here too.

I think so long as you do the maximum that you can do - when you can do it; there should be no complaints.

I also think that some flexibilities need to be built in for when either one of you needs you own time just to relax/engage in pre-baby activities. It's a give and take thing.

Is there a question of you wanting to be more involved? It naturally takes a while for mum to 'let go of the reins a little' so that their partners can take over. It's very intensive and tiring when you are looking after a baby alone; so it is easy to believe that you are entitled to baby-free time when your partner gets home.

If the baby is old enough; have you also booked a slot for time together as a couple? I think this is essential when you have different roles during the week

As a lone parent to a 17 month old... That sounds like a blissfull arrangement!!!

Sounds like a good balance to me, if I were her I'd be happy with that! As long as we were getting time together as a couple too as that often gets forgotten but is so important.

The thing that struck me most about your post is the 'people tell me ... others tell my wife' bit. What do you think about how much you're doing? What does your wife think? They are the only 2 opinions that matter.

Don't listen to other people, especially not the ones saying that you are doing too much, they may have very low standards.

Remember that care for your own child is not a chore, it's a privilege, it's what helps you bond and makes you central to her life. Are you getting enough of it for you two- that is the question you should be asking.

Who is saying that's too much? Exh nasty misogynist friends deemed changing a single nappy too much!