3.5 yr old jealous of 2 week old baby brother - how to handle?

[Gurraun]

Ds1 was initially very proud of and loving towards ds2. However over the last few days his behaviour has deteriorated and he has become quite jealous of and rough towards ds2. Ds2 is now 14 days old so I know this is massively early days.

I am lucky in that I have lots of help at the moment so trying to make sure ds1 does something fun every day. However ds2 is breast fed (and just had tongue tie snipped so only really getting going) so a lot of my time is spent feeding and ds1 inevitably feels a bit farmed out. MIL is staying as dh had to go away on business and ds1 doesn't want her to do anything with her (keeps telling her to go home) so I am trying to do more of the normal stuff eg dinner, bath, bed etc.

However inevitably I'm knackered, ds1 is being as awkward as only an insecure 3.5yo can be and now he is saying he doesn't like his brother and is deliberately rough with him and is snatching his muslins, getting in the cot etc. We talk about how tiny babies are boring because they need lots of looking after but it won't be long until he is more fun (and give examples of his friends younger siblings who are crawling, smiling etc). We also talk about how it is better to be a big boy because you can do x,y and z and how ds2 is looking or forward to being a big boy so ds1 can show him how to do x,y and z. I also try to put ds2 down or give him to MIL so ds1 and I have time together without baby but where I'm tired I'm losing perspective on this and feel very weepy that my pfb feels unloved, will be emotionally scared etc.

None of my friends have the same gap (all 2.25 years or less) so didn't really get the jealousy although of course a smaller gap has its own challenges. Please advise me how best to deal with this and give me reassurance that it will be ok eventually (when)?

Sorry for length - bit emotional and rambling!

I had a similar gap and found that my ds was the same when dd was 2 weeks old, I think it's the realisation that the baby is here to stay.

I also bf, and this is the hardest bit, but found it helped ds if I made the feed about him, so when it was time to feed, I'd let him choose a DVD or a book for us to share, while I was feeding dd, so although dd was feeding the focus was on him.

If you can let mil do as much for the baby as she can, the baby won't mind, and that will leave you free to be with ds1.

It's a real juggling act at this stage, but will (hopefully) get easier once bf is established, and also I found that my ds did get over the jealousy once he realised that there was room for both of them.

I can remember saying to him that mummy has got 2 arms, one to cuddle each of you - also the book za zas baby brother helped, as she is also jealous of the baby, but comes to love him.

Take care

DS is 3.2 and DD 14 wks. I'm lucky that DS adores his sister and is generally kind to her with the odd attempt to feed her sausages or throw toys at her! But his behaviour has deteriorated since he figured it she was staying.

I don't have a miracle fix but the things that help are reading books together while feeding, or a DVD if feeding session requiring both hands. Going out every day with dd in the sling so she sleeps and I can concentrate on talking to him and playing. And I may get flamed for this but in all honesty when I'm tired I'll let him use the iPad for an hour - there are some great apps to teach letters and numbers, and sometimes he gets to just play sonic. He loves the iPad and would happily sit in silence half the day given the chance, it certainly helps if dd is needing extra attention.

Behaviour not improving yet but having seen a couple of friends go through this I know it may be another couple of months yet.

Thanks both - think I just need some encouragement and a sense of perspective that this is quite normal and will pass.

I am making an extra effort to play with him while ds2 sleeps and ignore my exhaustion. I have also ordered some books about being a big brother so hopefully small steps...!

It really will pass, my dc are now 7 and 3.5 so I can say with certainty that it is a stage.

You are doing all the right things and its still really early days, I also found that my ds seemed like such a big beast when I came home with the baby, it was quite hard for me to adjust to him not being my baby anymore and not always putting his needs first.