Am i being unreasonable?

[agalch]

I need mumsnetters wisdom here.Briefly my ds1 who is 15 in September found his first girlfriend(had 2 before for a week each)at the beginning of April.Spends every day with her texts,msn's etc which i totally understand.Has told me he loves her and can't imagine life without her.Spends all his time at her house cos "her mum and dad are really cool and he just loves them".Ok i admit i was a little peeved cos i like to think i'm pretty cool myselfAlways been close to all my kids and talk about love sex drugs etc with all of them but especially my eldest cos of his age.
Only met the gf once,seems lovely.Havn't met her family but saw the dad in the passing when taking ds1 to her house,seems a nice enough guy.Says ds is a great guy and welcome there anytime etc so great i think.
Went to a bbq at her uncles yesterday and returned home at 7ish and asked if he could stay over at hers,she lives 5 mins away in the car.I immediatly said no and he said the mum and dad were happy for him to sleep over and share a room with her brother(23).I refused and said he could go back to hers and i would pick him up at 10pm.Am i old fashioned and way uncool? What would you say to your child without making them feel that you didn't trust them? I am also 34 wks pg with no4 and i so don't need this right now.I think her parents have a nerve asking him to stay over tbh and i feel pretty annoyed at them too.

Please help me,he'll be up soon and i feel an argument brewing.

why didn't you want him to stay??
Not saying that you should or shouldn't have, just wondering what your concerns are?

it seems that he was going to be staying in her brothers room, so I assume you weren't worried about them maybe having sex.

I doubt they asked him to stay, I'd assume his gf asked him to, with their permission.

I don't think so.
15 is too ypung to be staying over at gf's house.
(I like to think I'm pretty cool too but we're not our kids' mates,we are their parents and should act accordingly.)

Absolutely agree
It's not the sex thing, we all know they will have sex wherever and whenever they please (cast your own minds back ladies) it's the idea of him submerging himself so much in her and her family that is a bit full on for 15 years old.

Now i am keeping the Fragrant Wong Brothers under lock and key til they are 21 so I've no room to talk about such things, but I do agree wiht MD that you are a parent not a best mate, you have to make boundaries clear from the outset AND you shouldn't let any child, male or female, sleepover in a home when you have not visited it yourself and me the people who will be staying there at the same time. Common sense

Trinityrhino,i don't know why i freaked tbh,i live close to the girl of 12 who is pg and i guess i am worried about the sex thing.he says they are not having sex and are not planning to anytime soon.Her mum and dad were pissed last night and having a party and i was worried that things may happen iyswim.
Maybe i'm an idiot? I just don't feel comfortable about it,i'm not sure why.Its possible for them to meet up in the middle of the night and oh god what am i like!!
Will have a chat to him later.I just don't think i'll be asking my dd bf to stay over when she's 14 lol.

NCQ he says it was the dad who said he could stay over if he wanted to.Says he really likes and trusts ds and can stay whenever he wants.

Hmm, my mom never would have let me sleep over at a boyfriend's, or have a boyfriend sleep at mine. Nonetheless, I managed perfectly happily to have a reasonable sex life at 15. (People can have sex at any time of day!)

I'd worry more about birth control, and less about where he sleeps, iyswim.

Thanks ladies,i am not an idiot lol.
Suzy you are right about the sex,he could do it after school at her house or friends etc so it's not that.It's more the family thing i think.We don't mind him being up there so much but he wanted to stay home while we went away on hol so he could see her wtf???
I am more worried about her/him getting fed up and dumping the other.he would be heartbroken and thats prob what worries me.
Oh well another big mother/son talk coming up.
I remember thinking my friends mum was cooler than my own cos she let us smoke in the house and have the odd drink.Hope her parents are not as "cool" as she was.

NCQ he has been given condoms and i can only hope if/when they do sleep together they use them.I'm way too young to be a granny.

I dont think you are being unreasonable as such but I have to say that I would definately concider it.

I can totally understand your fears about early pregnancy! (Thankfully, I was frightened of early pregnancy as a teen.)

I'm afraid your son getting his heart broken is inevitable, it's just a question of when, not if ... happens to all of us, eventually. Still, not a nice thought.

It sounds (a bit) like you're jealous of the fact they choose to spend all their time over at her family's place. Which is understandable. Would it be worthwhile to have a bit of a charm offensive, invite them both over, do a special tea for his girlfriend, get to know her properly?

(As an Evil Person, in your position, I would take advantage of your pregnancy to rub in some unpleasant side effects of pregnancy, to make sure his gf is on board about birth control, should they get up to anything! Might be hard to mix that with a charm offensive, though.)

I agree about the 'getting too involved with the family' they are very young and who knows how long it wil last.

I don't think you were being unreasonable

Bless poor you it must be really hard to go through all this thinking am I doing the right thing or arnt I . I would be hurt too if he wanted to spend more time round there . Cant you get to know the GF a bit better and maybe the role might be reversed she might think you are the cool one and not her parents . I hope she dosnt break his heart .

Looking back to when I was 15 my parents hated all of my boyfriends and I wouldn't have entertained the thought of taking them to my house so you've obviously done a great job with your ds for his family to like him so much

From her parent's point of view they are probably relieved that they can keep an eye on their daughter

This is a bit of a guilt trip thing but could you say to him you are worried that you are going to be tied up with the new baby soon and would like to spend some time with him before it arrives? Say you understand how important his gf is to him and would be happy if she came around to yours too and you can get to know her a bit more too

I don't think that you are being old fashioned or unreasonable, you went out at 10pm at night to collect him so its not like you are stopping him from spending time with her

I would stand your ground on it saying that it's not set in stone, that you are open to change the longer that they are together and the more that you get to know her

I used to stay at my bfs house when I was 14/15 and no-one seemed to have a problem with it

I do understand the jealousy aspect of it... my eldest met her bf at 17 then went to live with his family because she couldn't get to school from our house (DH used to take her but it was getting too much and we'd told her to go on the train). She looks after his brothers (would never look after her own brothers) goes out with the family on trips she would have refused point blank had I proposed them, and the sun shines out of his mother who is an expert on everything. Am I bitter and twisted? You bet I am. Doesn't help that his mother is a genuinely nice person, so I'm not justified in hating her!!

I did think the last line of your OP was a bit OTT though "I think her parents have a nerve asking him to stay over tbh and i feel pretty annoyed at them too." They would probably feel it was quite reasonable

Thanks again

I am feeling pretty hormonal atm i suppose and i went away and had a good bawl after reading some of the posts.
I think i am probably jealous and a bit pissed off that he spends so much of his time doing family stuff with them.Helps gf and her mum to do the weekly shop etc.he will do nothing with us as a family and hardly speaks to us/sees us other than to ask for money or a lift.I know thats a teenager thing tho so don't mind that so much.
if i ask him to help round the house eg tidy his room/bring his washing down/keep an eye on his sister whos 2yrs while i have a shower he can't cos hes going out with her family

when i said his parents had a nerve,it's just that it would never have entered my head to ask her to stay here,would prob have been too worried what her mum and dad would think of it.have a nerve was a bit off tho i agree

well would have chatted to him today but gone out with them again so will leave it till i feel more normal i think.

thanks xx

Hi agalch, I remember staying at bf's house when I was 16 - bit older, but still. I used to spend a lot of time there, as his family were really relaxed, there were always loads of people there etc. etc. My mum hated it too, and used to comment that I'd been "taken over". In the end, I broke his heart though when I went to uni and ended it.

I think getting to know her better would def be a good thing to do in this situation. Seems funny that he does the family shop with them though (?!) - it sounds like he is in the midst of infatuation - remember what those first few weeks of a new relationship were like - I can't imagine weekly shopping would remain that interesting for long.... It sounds like you have a good relationship with DS - maybe you could sit down and tell him how you feel about this? Make sure you say it isn't that you dislike gf or family, but before he stays with them, you'd like to at least have met them properly. Maybe you could all have a pub meal together or something, if it looks like a serious relationship?

Good luck!

Hi agalch, I remember staying at bf's house when I was 16 - bit older, but still. I used to spend a lot of time there, as his family were really relaxed, there were always loads of people there etc. etc. My mum hated it too, and used to comment that I'd been "taken over". In the end, I broke his heart though when I went to uni and ended it.

I think getting to know her better would def be a good thing to do in this situation. Seems funny that he does the family shop with them though (?!) - it sounds like he is in the midst of infatuation - remember what those first few weeks of a new relationship were like - I can't imagine weekly shopping would remain that interesting for long.... It sounds like you have a good relationship with DS - maybe you could sit down and tell him how you feel about this? Make sure you say it isn't that you dislike gf or family, but before he stays with them, you'd like to at least have met them properly. Maybe you could all have a pub meal together or something, if it looks like a serious relationship?

Good luck!

Do you think maybe, just a little, he feels left out with the new baby coming along and all the excitement, and his gf and family are his bit of excitement?

I would also say to him 'look, it's a strange time at the moment, you may think I'm unreasonable at times, but I'm still your Mum and you should consider me and the rest of your family, and how we're feeling'.
Pull a few guilt strings?!!

Look after yourself

Thanks all

had a good chat with him last night and told him how me and his dad and the rest of the family feel.Also told him that i would not be happy with him staying over for a while yet but we will see how things go with them as a couple in the future.

He asked if he could bring her over today for tea and of course i said yes but it didn't happen.he asked for a lift to hers instead so that was that.Have left it that shes welcome here anytime,what else can i do?

His gf,the one time i actually met her seems lovely and i'm pretty sure he has picked a nice girl so it's not that i don't like her at all.

Will wait and see what happens next.May ask her parents over on my dp's next weekend off for a bbq or whatever and get to know them,that may help i think.

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed,didn't expect all this so early on,feels like i'm losing him and i hate it.He is a "nice" lad and i can see why her parents like him so much,most people think he's great.I would maybe like my dd's bf round here so i can keep an eye on them too when the time comes.

Glad you managed to have a sensible chat with him last night. You made a good point about her parents perhaps prefering to be able to keep an eye on her, I think. Good luck with inviting them round - I think that would be really good (hope you like them!!!).

And good luck with your pregnancy as well.

Thanks fairyjay

My dp took ds to her house tonight as they were going to see a friends dance show.Ds has mentioned that she has a stammer and dp was shocked at how bad it is,i think maybe she is nervous and unsure talking around people she doesn't know and she prefers to be at home with her family.I totally understand this and will keep an open invitation to her but wont push the issue.

Thanks again all,it's nice to have many opinions to go through,i can see clearly now it's more my problem about how i feel than his and what he's doing.

I bet her parents are so thrilled that she's got such a super boyfriend

I have decided from now on to be as positive as i can about the situation.Life with my teen could be so much worse,he doesn't smoke drink or do drugs(yet).He is usually sensitive and caring to me and i think he probably is wrapped up in the excitment of having a new person to love.
I don't blame her parents because he is a really nice lad and their dd is so happy with him too so i'll shut up in future and count my blessings.

Have made a point of giving him a big hug and a kiss before bed etc over the weekend and he looked mortified but hugged me back so will need to continue to make the effort.I prob have been a bit wrapped up in a new baby arriving(as well as dd whos only 2) and i maybe forgot that everyone likes to be hugged etc.

Thanks again,i feel so much better now,needed to have some honest advice.