Constantly questioning my parenting...

[ladypop]

I have 3.5yr old and 3 month old DS's but I keep feeling really low about my ability to parent them well. There are no major issues really....baby is pretty straight forward and eldest is typical toddler. I posted last night bout his behaviour which, whilst is not fantastic, isn't bad all the time.
I find myself looking on here for advice but if I then get replies that I sometimes don't want to hear I really take it to heart and feel like a crap mom, whereas I know, on the whole, the advice is well intentioned and not meant to have that effect.
I know this is a bit if a 'wo is me' post, but I just wondered if anyone else ever questions their abilities as a parent? I think it may stem from the fact that I am a bit of a perfectionist (I run my own business and therefore call all the shots and have control over most things) and when things don't go just right I think it is a reflection on me. Whereas I know you can't control children in the same way, but I sometimes forget that!
It just seems everyone else is so sorted!

Just answered your other thread; hope it helps.

I think you need to bear a couple of things in mind:

a behaviour can be simultaneously normal and in need of being checked

(when dd tried to break her baby brother's arm it was normal behaviour for a jealous 3yo but I couldn't let her get on with it)

discipline doesn't necessarily work at once, but that doesn't mean it is useless

(after 16 years I have pretty well got it into dd's head that she is not to murder her little brother- but it wasn't looking very hopeful when she was 3.5)

other parents don't necessarily expect you to be able to change your child straightaway; they will generally be pleased that you are trying

(when ds came home tearful from the CM every day because the little boy there was biting him, I was not angry with the other mum because I could see she was taking it seriously and trying her best- I did not expect instantaneous miracles, but I would have been very angry if she had shrugged it off or got defensive because that would have shown that she prioritised her own feelings above the wellbeing of a small child)

not everything your child does is a reflection on you

(they have little minds of their own; I had a particularly horrible one by all accounts, my mother otoh is lovely)

Thanks! Those are helpful thoughts.

Hi Ladypop
I totally relate to what you're saying: I also have a 3 year old (DD) and a 3 month old (DS), and am also a perfectionist! I know that when I ask for advice, what part of me actually wants is firstly to vent and secondly to be told that I'm doing everything really well and that I don't need to change anything, so when people give advice about trying something different, I find it easy to take it as criticism when it isn't meant that way at all. I also think that, as mums, we can be lead to think that we need to do everything really well to be a good enough mum: to fill our days with our kids with baking and creative papier mache; to deal with endless demands and irritations with endless patience and to meet their needs perfectly; when most of the time, to get from the beginning of the day to the end with both children still alive, the house still standing and a constant soundtrack of CBeebies is the greatest achievement we can realistically expect, especially with a toddler and a baby, so give yourself a break