Childless friends making me feel guilty for being a Mum!

[veggie77]

Hi. Just needed to moan / see if anyone else out there has experienced this. My baby boy is 4 months old and so far I've managed 2 evening meals out and a lunch with a group of friends, that I was close to before I had my baby. I think that's pretty good going to say I've got a young baby, cos it means I've seen them about once a month since he was born.

But on the 3 times I've met them, one friend keeps making sarcastic comments that I need to come out more and that I need to stop talking about my baby. I didn't think I said that much about him, and the other girls didn't say so. It's just this one friend. When I saw her at this latest night out (which I'm still angry about), she made some comment about how I should'nt check my phone - which I did ONCE just to see how bedtime went for my husband babysitting. And she keeps arranging daytime things for us to do which involve pre-paid voucher deals. This winds me up cos leaving my boy in the day involves more effort for my husband to babysit, than me going out at night. Then I feel guilty for her spending money upfront on.stuff we'll do as a bunch of girls. I'm just annoyed cos I think she just expects me to drop my family life and come out with her, as if being a Mum isn't important.

To set the context, we're not youngsters! I'm 36 and she's 38 but isn't married and has admitted she doesn't want kids cos she says she's too selfish. I'm wondering if I just stop going out to these things cos I'm made to feel as if I should be spending more time with her, when I see her. She also had the cheek to say motherhood was " dumbing me down

I don't think you need friends like this.

Yes, she sounds a pain in the arse.

Fwiw though, your DH can't babysit. It's just parenting when it's your own child. He is just at home with your child.

She sounds quite bitter.
Is her choice not to have kids really 'a choice' or is it the circumstance she's found herself in?
I'm not justifying her actions - it's horrible behaviour and she's being a huge cow, but it might explain why she's trying to minimise the importance of your new role?
Well done on trying to maintain your friendships after motherhood - maybe this woman is not worth wasting your precious time with

Thanks ladies! Yeah, very true about hubby basically being a parent not a sitter Pagwatch! Hadn't thought of it like that - oops! Think it sums up how new it feels to leave my Son with his Dad, if I'm thinking of him.as babysitting. Eek!

Yep, PrincessKitKat, re: whether or not its her choice to be child free, she is in a long term relationship of 6 years but it's moved very slowly / isn't that serious, and they aren't talking engagement or house buying. She said she's ruled out kids with this bloke cos he isn't interested and she says she couldn't do it and doesn't think she's the mothering type herself. So its kind of a choice for her not to have them I guess, but there could be some regret about it. So yeah, that could be another factor.

Yep, you have to ask yourself if you need friends like that.

Seems like you've done really well making the effort to go out with your friends and keep in touch with them. She sounds like she's got issues and must be a bit dense if she doesn't think that new motherhood will make you a bit baby-focused and twitchy while you're out. And I say that as someone with no children.

I think I might try to say something quite blunt and straightforward, along the lines of 'It is really intense and quite tough having a young baby and I'm just finding my feet with it. I'd actually really appreciate your support rather than being made to feel like i'm not myself any more.' I'd then judge her based on how she behaved after that. If she's always been a good friend before, then that might just sort it.

I do think that when people get caught up with their problems, they can be really insensitive or chippy about other people's and often having children can be complex in friendship groups, particularly if you are having them later.

I had my first child at 35 and I had a few friends who were struggling with relationship/fertility issues/questions over whether they wanted kids and I think it made it harder for them to be the friend I'd most have needed (although none were rude I have to say).

Thanks Crazyhead, that's good advice. I might be a bit more direct with her. It's good to know you sensed friendship problems too. Think you're right - certain friends don't like it when you become a Mum.

She sounds like a but of a cow TBH and I think it's amazing you have managed to get out so much in 4months. Maybe give this lady a wide berth for awhile - people like her aren't worth your time or energy.

Congratulations!

I had a friend like that but her hidden issues were that she had had 2 terminations in the past. She may have reason to be the way she is.

Still it is horrible to hear that from a friend.

She may just be clueless about the realities and intensities of having kids. It is hard to imagine unless you've been there.

I think it's a good idea to do what the other poster suggested and call her on it.

I've got a ds who's just turned 1 and although I've made an effort to meet childless friends for lunch now and again I've turned down every evening invite from them. I don't feel I have to justify this to anyone, it's totally up to you and IMO your friend should understand this. I guess my point is that its not just you, life changes dramatically after having a baby!

She may have issues about having babies herself that make her bitter but that doesnt give her the right to be rude. She may have come the conclusion that because she genuinely doesnt want babies, no one else should either and follows the myth that giving birth = baby bore so looks for issues where there are none.

Either way, you dont need that crap and I agree with Crazy that you should tackle it head on. The old MN standard of "Did you mean to be so rude?" should cover it.

Why not try and make some more mum friends? Anybody that told me I had dumbed myself down would be dead to me :)

I don't really see my pre baby friends much now i have a group of mum friends now. I found after DS was born going out with my old friends was just no fun they had no interest the things i'm interested in now they also wanted to do things i couldn't afford or would push me to drink more when i didn't want to as i had DS to go home to so i stopped seeing them.

My friends i've met through baby groups and 2 older friends who also have babys get it much more and i can go on about DS not staying in bed without boring them to tears, I am a baby bore so it makes sense for my friends to be too :)

She has to accept that you aren't available 24/7 for her and that you have other priorities. I found it hard when my friend had a baby and literally talked of nothing else for a year, but I accepted that her life had changed and the time of being 'girls on the town' had ended. We meet for coffee now, with and without her child and I'm TTC at the mo so I feel like I can join in a little.
It sounds like you're not even anywhere near obsessive mode in any case! My friend tweeted day and night about her baby, consistency of poo, sounds made, sleeping.
It sounds to me like she is jumping the gun and asserting her importance for fear of being distanced. She has to grow-up (and count her blessings that you're NOT an obsessive mum friend) and learn to be a real mate.

I have a bit of an issue with the idea of someone else making you feel something. Take ownership, you feel this way, you've reacted this way. That doesn't make you wrong but you should understand that its up to you to decide how you feel and react to things around you.

This is an age old issue, your life has changed and theirs hasn't. It will be an adjustment for you all, particularly whilst your baby is so tiny they are all consuming.
Your friends have been rude and inconsiderate but I would hope you've put them in their place each time a comment is made? If not, why not? Don't tolerate being treated like this. If it leads to the end of the friendship at least they'll know why.

She's punishing you - whether it be because you've changed the dynamics of the group or because you're doing something that deep down she feels uncomfortable about missing out on. If she is someone you value then it might be worth meeting up with her on your own without the others and maybe you might get nearer to understanding what is going on with her. Or you could confront her within the group and shame her into shutting up - tell her that it's very tough being a new mum and you need your friends to be supportive and not treat you differently. A lot of friendships fall apart if the dynamics change ie one has children, comes into money, moves away etc and sometimes you have to accept that some people weren't meant to be in your life forever. Hopefully this isn't the case with her and you can resolve it if you deal with it head on. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself - you have every right to expect your friends to be supportive x

I was lucky when I had my first - saw childless friends often, had nights/days out as often as I liked - dd's gps are awesome but I had pnd and was a pretty flaky mum.

Second time around everyone has dc now so it's much harder to meet up. Now pregnant with dc3 I see my best friend around once a month although it's been more recently as I'm due in 9 days and she's my birth partner. Other friends I tend to see in passing rather than proper meet ups, hopefully we'll get back to normal eventually, my friends are fabby.

Hi OP, I don't think you need this at the minute... there is a hidden/underlying bit of bad feeling on her part.. maybe she is pinning for a baby but can't say it.

A genuine friend would ask you how the baby is.. do you need a hand etc. If it is any consolation, one of my closest friends (was single when I married) went funny with me when I got engaged, turned her nose up at my husband and now that I am pregnant has seen me ONCE! Now she turned up (In what I feel a tick the box exercise to cover her arse) with a card and flowers yet nothing since only random waffle texts.

It really, really hurts.

I cannot say anything or she will bitch about me to people.

I don't know what to advise but your friend is out of order.

Your friend doesn't seem to deserve you and your precious time. You've got enough on your plate, stuff it. Real mates would be your support system. She should be thankful you aren't a hermit baby bore and that you are making an effort to keep friendships afloat.

I think you've done amazingly to see your friends so much! I think it is a common problem though - I went on an evening out with a friend when my little one was about 6months and she said it was 'good to have the fun me back'. I don't think she meant to be nasty but I was devastated!

Thanks again for the advice and all your experiences everyone! I think I'm going to do what crazyhead suggests and just tackle her about it more directly if and when I next see her. I've made new Mummy friends to hang out with and I see them quite a bit (plus friends with kids that I've known before I became a Mum). I guess I just hoped I could still stay friends with my old mates who didn't have kids and that they'd understand the changes you go through when you become a Mum, but it was probably expecting too much.

Thanks again for the advice and all your experiences everyone! I think I'm going to do what crazyhead suggests and just tackle her about it more directly if and when I next see her. I've made new Mummy friends to hang out with and I see them quite a bit (plus friends with kids that I've known before I became a Mum). I guess I just hoped I could still stay friends with my old mates who didn't have kids and that they'd understand the changes you go through when you become a Mum, but it was probably expecting too much.

I disagree that you need to change friends, or even confront her about it. Having a child is a paradigmatic shift and it takes a long time to adjust - for everyone. Unless you've been there, you genuinely don't understand how much things change. All your friend can see is that someone has taken her friend away. Not very mature but no less true.

Maybe only do stuff that is manageable for you for the time being. It gets so much easier as DC get older, not least because everyone has time to adjust.

But then the thought of only being friends with people with children makes me want to eat my own fingers...