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Parenting

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Original poster

Inappropriate comments from father in law

18 replies

DuckWaddle · 26/07/2013 17:15

Over the past few months I have been getting more and ore uncomfortable about comments my father in law has been making about my dd who is now 9 months. He has often mentioned her becoming a pole dancer and has talked about her first bra etc. It sounds daft when I write it down here but it has made me feel very uncomfortable and I don't really know how to respond. I'm sure they are just odd comments that have no significance but it makes me question whether I would be happy about her staying with them alone in the future! It's also hard broaching how I feel with my dh as it's an awful thing to basically say you're beginning to question his dad (he's always been there when the comments are made but everyone seems to smile them off). Any ideas?!

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LunaticFringe · 26/07/2013 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggotty · 26/07/2013 17:23

How about 'that's not very appropriate fil, she's just a baby' said with a very straight face. If he blusters just repeat it's not appropriate and then do this every time he says it. Silly old duffer! ( you fil that is!!)

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/07/2013 17:25

Those are completely inappropriate comments! If someone said those things about my DD I wouldn't be spending any time with them. I'm not saying your FIL is going to harm your child but I wouldn't want my DD being around someone who thinks those comments are funny.

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mustardtomango · 26/07/2013 21:07

Agree - totally inappropriate. Dont question your judgement.
Thinking charitably, if the family don't seem to think much of it maybe he doesn't take his comments seriously/even think. However, if you address it and express your feelings, and he still does it, that's just miles over the line - for me there would need to be serious consequences.
Having witnessed my Dh's family in the early days, it seems sometimes as a group they have reinforce habits that just aren't socially acceptable.

Original poster

DuckWaddle · 27/07/2013 08:46

Thanks for your replies and good to hear it confirmed that I'm not bring over sensitive. I spoke to my dh about it last night. I didn't want to make it too big a deal so just said I would like him to make sure he says something when his dad makes a comment. My dh took it well and said he would and I'm definitely not going to let it pass in future.

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TheFallenNinja · 27/07/2013 08:49

I'd stop this one dead in its tracks. Grandfathers have no business either thinking or talking this way.

YellowCanary1 · 27/07/2013 09:11

Not wanting to scare you but to highlight an example of following instincts being the right thing. When I was 8 I told my mum a few inappropriate jokes and comments my grandfather (her fil) had told me. My mum thought they were inappropriate and dug deeper. What she uncovered was over 50 years of sexual abuse, rape of his daughters and grand daughters, secret children as a result of rape of minors etc, etc - you get the picture. Obviously very unlikely this is the same but my point is, all she did was react to something she thought was slightly off and though her daughters were already suffering abuse from him she saved her daughters having anymore and experiencing the escalation of abuse others had.
Btw he went to prison for 15 years.

Original poster

DuckWaddle · 27/07/2013 10:12

Goodness yellowcanary- I'm so pleased your mum didn't ignore what you said. The thing I find odd is where these thoughts come from- how do you see a baby and come up with those comments. I'm not sure ill ever feel comfortable leaving my dd with them now even though I'm sure they are just harmless inappropriate comments. But I feel awful thinking like that. My grandparents were a huge part of my life and I often stayed with them on my own. I want the same for my dd and I also think that's the fair thing for her grandparents but I think I'd just worry the whole time. Sadly those comments are going to stay with me until my dd is grown up

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AKissIsNotAContract · 27/07/2013 10:22

My mum always had a bad feeling about my grandad (her FIL) based on similar comments that you describe OP. As a result we only ever saw my grandparents with my parents present and were never left alone with them. I didn't even realise anything was up as a child and my mum told me when I was an adult.

I'm glad she did that to protect me. I certainly don't feel as if I missed out on knowing my GD more.

YellowCanary1 · 27/07/2013 12:37

DuckWaddle - when I ask my mum now why she felt so unsure she always says what he said wasn't that awful but she knew something was up because he felt ok to say that in context of his grand daughter, and for him to have that thought process is what really worried her!

dyslexicdespot · 27/07/2013 12:43

How horrible YellowCanary, and that you for sharing. I think people often ignore these sorts of comments because the consequences of confronting them can seem overwhelming. Your posts illustrates how important it is that we never accept an adult sexualising a child.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/07/2013 12:48

Repeat loudly what he said. Does he say these things when others are around, or does he wait to get you alone?

X, did you just suggest my baby be a lapdancer? Why did you say that? How can you look at my baby and see a lapdancer? Why are you doing that?
Etc etc

If you are alone with him, seek out someone else and say I am very upset, x has just said...

Not shouting it fronm the rooftops would be a big mistake, imo.

I know others would handle it differently, but I'd be shouting about it and making him explain himself!

dyslexicdespot · 27/07/2013 12:50

Thank you....

Original poster

DuckWaddle · 27/07/2013 13:54

Nope - he's always said them in front of mil and dh which in some ways makes it easier as my dh has witnessed it. The bizarre thing is their family is relatively prudish so it's not like that kind of thing ever comes up in conversation let alone in reference to their granddaughter. I need to play it carefully but I definitely need to make it clear that it is wholly inappropriate. It's been helpful having this confirmed by all your posts do thank you

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/07/2013 14:51

What do they say when he says these things? How does your husband feel hearing his dad say these things about his daughter?

Sod playing it carefully! Surely its appropriate to openly and directly challenge this?

valiumredhead · 27/07/2013 15:32

What does you Dh say?

angeltattoo · 28/07/2013 21:56

Adding support. do not minimise or laugh off, call him on it, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

WTF looks at a baby and thinks those things?!

Follow your instinct, there is a reason we have insticts!

Potteresque97 · 29/07/2013 14:06

Yep one more for I've never heard anything like it. Speculation about kids being teachers/professors/mechanics etc based on abilities is one thing but this is at the best in very poor taste and weird. I wouldn't be leaving them alone with my ILs until I was certain it was just poor taste and it stopped.

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