If you have an "easy" and a "less easy" child...

[MegBusset]

...how do you make sure the "less easy" one doesn't feel hard-done-by? I'm sure 6yo DS1 is feeling a bit got-at, his behaviour hasn't been brilliant lately, probably due a lot to heat and end-of-term tiredness, but he is generally oversensitive, not that great with social skills and has been going through a very whingy/whiny stage. DS2 (4yo) has always been more easygoing and just gets on with life so needs less intervention.

I do have the same standards of behaviour for both of them (age appropriate obviously). I don't want DS1 to end up resentful or like the "naughty" brother (but nor do I want him to think he can get his own way all the time or get away with unacceptable behaviour!). Any tips on how to balance things?

Hmmm. This is a tricky one. My DS1 is 5 and always been pretty easy going, brilliant toddler and really easy to be around. DS2 is only 19 months and is already so much harder and more fiesty/ whingy than DS1 ever was. I have to watch him like a hawk because he bites, hits, pinches etc. I know it's all pretty much normal behaviour but DS1 was just never ever like this.

I have no advice but I do worry that I will be in a similar situation to you in the future. I already feel like I will have to treat them differently because their personalities are so different.

I worry that DS2 will think or feel that we don't love him as much.

my ds (9) has always been a really well behaved child, dd (4) seems to be incapable of going more than 10 minutes without being naughty. I've explained to her that if she behaves better i wont have to tell her off as much. I make sure I praise them both lots but other than that I don't think you can balance things without ether telling the well behaved child off for no reason or letting the other one get away with things

I have one child (pregnant with second at the moment), so no direct experience.

With that caveat, I've often witnessed the opposite problem with friends and family; the "less easy" child gets significantly more attention (positive or negative) until the "easy" child starts noticing the difference and sometimes resenting it.

Thanks. It really is tricky. DS1 takes it much more personally - he said today (after being told off for hitting DS2) that "Everybody in this family hates me"!

DN is very hard work at 6 it can take her 20 mins + to get her shoes and jacket where as DS is 18mo and will come straight over and put his hands and feet out for shoes and jacket when asked i often say to her 'even the baby can get ready faster than you' then feel bad because it must hurt her feelings :(

I know i was the 'easy' one and my sister wasn't she still sometimes mentions i was the favorite when actually i was just easier so didn't get told off much she's been known to laughingly (but means it) call me little miss perfect and the like so it's obviously stayed with her

This book - Siblings Without Rivalry.

It is, along with How to Talk so Kids will Listen, the best parenting book ever. Reading it has helped more than I can say.

I know my less easy child is feeling hard done by, because she has told me so, at great length. I have no magic solutions ATM - she is the younger by 4 years, so they inevitably get different interaction / interests /requests. She is much "easier" one on one but so are most DC IME/O. DC1 probably sometimes feels equally hard done by, but is not so bloody loud vocal about it

My younger two are hugely challenging wheres dd who's 8 is pretty easy.

I praise her lots for the good stuff and we've talked about the boys' SN meaning there have to be differences in expectations between her and them, she's 8 so she understands to an extent. She gets to do a lot of stuff they don't and her bfs mother is a sweetheart and treats her like one of her own so she gets lots of time in a household where things are a bit more normal.

As it's SN which cause a lot of the boys' behavioural issues we try and focus a lot on diffusing situations before they start but ds1 still has to be disciplined a whole heap more than her. He's 6 and it hasn't caused any resentment yet but I expect it might in the future.

That being said, the different expectations we have for them mean dd is disciplined for things ds1 isn't, and that does mitigate the unbalance a bit.

One thing we do is try and focus on one specific behaviour (violence with ds1, screaming hysterics with ds2) and let a lot of other stuff slide. That way they don't feel they're being barraged with negative comments constantly.

The best I can do is take each situation as it comes. Don't bring any baggage over from previous interactions.

If it helps, the "easy" one is likely to present their own challenges in time IME so it will even out.

Meg have you tried teaching ds1 some better social skills? Btw no one is "oversensitive." If you feel his reactions are fake and exaggerated then they should be ignored but if they are genuine then his feelings shouldn't be ignored or belittled.

I have been trying for about six years! It's a work in progress!