Why is it good to be a stay at home mum?

[Notsoyummymummy1]

Have always been a SAHM but am not always confident I'm doing the right thing by DD who is nearly 18 months. Her cousin is a few weeks older than her and seems a lot more confident around strangers than DD and her vocabulary is amazing. We do go to a couple of groups a week and I entertain her as much as I'm able but how do I know if I'm enough for her needs?

Ps her cousin goes to nursery and childminders

kids vary wildly at this age regardless of whether they are in nursery or with SAHP so honestly there is no point comparing one 18 month old to another... i'd say really it's only by the time they're about 6 that you start to see less differences between one child and another, if that makes sense.

my 3dc were all quite shy when they were small, so leaving them in a nursery would have been very tough on them. you can still take them out to lots of playgroups etc if you want to - i didn't with ds1, who was painfully shy til he was about 6, now at 12 he is the most extrovert confident child you could hope to meet.

Research shows it's very difficult for nurseries to provide appropriate care for children under 2ish, especially if they do long hours there. Infants need secure attachment relationships with the people who care for them, for them to be emotionally responsive etc. Parents and grandparents seem best placed to provide this kind of care, followed by nannies and childminders, and then nurseries. Nurseries tend to provide a greater range of activities but to be honest that isn't a priority for very young children.

From 2-3, high quality nurseries and pre-schools do provide children with benefits in terms of cognitive development, and these gains can extend right up to the later years of primary school. Children who spend long hours in nursery before the age of 3 do show slightly higher levels of less desirable social behaviour (aggression for example) but probably not significant on an individual level.

So, it's a bit of a mixed bag. There probably isn't enough evidence either way or either benefits of harms to make it clear that you MUST stay at home or MUST use nursery - I think it's an individual decision based on what is best in your own circumstances.

Thank you both that's so reassuring! I think I worry a lot because I've always hated being shy and I don't want the same for her. It's nice to hear the benefits of one to one care - I only ever get told about the other side of things!

I get how you feel - I'm a sahm to a 2.4yo dd and have had a few wobbles of confidence along the way (usually after meeting an apparently more sociable/talkative/advanced toddler!).
What I will say is that I'm feeling the benefits for me and dd more as she gets older - we have a fantastic bond and great conversations now, I understand her like no-one else does, and I love seeing her learn. The other day we were sitting in the garden, and dd picked some pea pods from plants we'd sown together earlier this year, and as we sat in the garden with her snuggled up on my lap munching our home grown peas and talking about the morning's trip to the park, I thought 'yeah, this is what it's all about!'.

I think this goes of your own experiences.I have found in general children who are in nursery from a young age are often more sociable. That is purely anecdotal though. Though it might be more to do with if you as a parent are an extrovert or introvert.

I think because it allows children to be in their home environment where they might feel more secure. It also means they have more chance to develop that one on one relationship with you (Disclaimer: it also means you have more time to be bored out of your skull, because interacting with small children in the abscence of adults can be really, really tough)

I think it is hard on children to be out of the home for long periods of time.

It all depends on what you do if you are providing a language rich environment and your dc see you meeting people frequently, talking to people and you have an active social life then that will be enough.

You sound like a loving Mum who is doing well, don't beat yourself up. Pursue the route that makes you most fulfilled, whether that is to be a SAHM or pursue a career.

Parenting is a long game and you have no idea about the exact balance of long term benefits/downsides to your child of staying at home or not. My son is an early talker, and looked after mainly one on one - it is just random and for all I know he'll slow down and quickly be overtaken by other kids.

The only studies I've ever seen where nursery at a young age is an important benefit to a child is where serious social deprivation is in the picture at home.

Personally, I feel that as long as my son becomes a well adjusted adult who doesn't spend TOO much on his psychotherapist, I'll have done OK.