Incentivising brutish 3 yo to stop roughing up new born sister...

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

DD2 is 3 weeks old and DD1 (3 years, 2 months) is finding her way through the challenges of having a younger sibling. She's doing well over all, but I am concerned about how she handles her sister sometimes; she'll sneakily squeeze her really hard when giving her a cuddle, serruptitiously try to go in when she's napping to wake her up, or 'accidentally' pull her hair hen stroking her head. She might start off singing her a song, gently and quietly, but then suddenly screech really close to the baby's face. You get the picture. I'd never turn my head from her when they're together.

I've tried really hard to carry on DD1's routine and day to day activities as closely as possible, so superficially she isn't really missing out on her life before DD2 came along; if anything she has more quality time with either DP or me as DP tries to take her out for something fun (zoo, swimming, park etc) most days so I can catch up on a bit of sleep.

I let DD1 help with baby care stuff like nappy changing, bathing, dressing etc, as I do want her to feel included and not perceive that "mum and DD2 are having a nice time together without me" kind of thing. She gets to hold her, propped up on pillows on her lap, under supervision. But, as I said, every so often she does something quite mean and potentially dangerous. How can I incentivise DD1 to be gentle and careful with her sister? Ideally, I'd like to engender a deeper sense of intrinsic motivation (such as "Aw, isn't she tiny, I'd better be gentle with her..."), as opposed to a shallower extrinsic set of motivators (eg "Mummy will go nuts of I lean on the baby again."). I don't want to have to say "Thay's IT!! You can't be anywhere near DD2!"

Any ideas?

The thing that jumped out at me is that perhaps your dp taking her out i.e leaving you and baby together may actually be causing some problems rather than solving them despite the 'fun' nature of the outings? Have you spoken to your older dd about her feelings about the baby - I think it's really important to acknowledge to your dd that you understand she may have very mixed feelings towards her sister and that that's ok but she needs to not physically act the feelings out. I don't think that many 3 year olds are going to have that 'aw she's tiny' thought as really they are unfortunately completely self-obsessed and motivated by their own feelings entirely which is normal!

God, I've not really offered any practical solutions but I think you are right to not leave them unsupervised at all at the moment.

I don't have any advice but can offer sympathy as I have a similar age gap (DS was born a month before DD's 3rd birthday) and yes sometimes affection spills over into (mild) violence!! I just keep saying "No, you must be gentle with him because he's small" and if DS looks as though he's suffering, I remove him. I do try to leave them alone for very short periods in a safe space - ie. the living room floor - as I want them to get used to being together and can't keep lugging baby from room to room (he's getting heavy!).
Maybe I'm overly casual but I think babies are surprisingly resilient and DS certainly doesn't flinch when he gets screamed at, and in fact you can see he absolutely adores his big sister in spite of any pain she has inflicted so far! We're 4 months into it now and it gets a lot easier once the baby starts looking a bit more robust!!

Its really tricky and she will often be rough just to get a reaction of any sort from you. 3 months was the cut off when DD1 became less high maintenance.
What was really useful was that she broke an egg in the supermarket. It made a big impression on her when she was told that DD2's head was like an egg and couldn't be fixed if it got broken. She was much more gentle after that.
Not asking to look after DD2 helps, but asking to help me to look after her as well as asking her to do ridiculous things like "please call me if DD2 gets out of her chair/is naughty/starts crying" while leaving the room for 60 seconds to go to the loo.
Otherwise - everything the countess said.
The other thing is that our DD1 desperately wants a pet. She was v rough recently and we explained that until we were happy that she would be gentle we couldn't get her a baby x as it too would be like an egg and b) it would bite her if she wasnt v gentle with it.

Maybe she needs some alone time with you. Could you spend half an hour away from the baby with her so she gets some mummy time. In my experience this can make the world of difference with children this age.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Apologies for slow response, but boy does it get busy around our way these days! It was very heartwarming to read your thoughts. I think she probably does need more quality time just with me as well. She is very into her daddy at the moment, but I have this awful suspicion that it is because deep down she doesn't believe she can have me any more, the way she used to. And I agree, we need to keep talking about how she feels and how it's ok not to feel so great about the baby all the time. It's funny, when DD2 was was just a few days old, I went to our local launderette to dry all the homebirthy laundry and the very wise and lovely proprietor who knows DD1 well said something along the lines of "Don't worry, you're safe with me, i'm not going to say any of that Big Sister stuff, to me you're just a week older than you were before she came along so you're still a little one too." and it was amazing to see her sort of relax and lighten up when she realised she was still just the same in this woman's eyes. I think I have to regard this process as a work in progress, does that sound about right? DD1 has, in fairness, made some incredible developmental leaps since DD2 came along; until the night before the birth, we'd always co-slept (most recently in her bedroom), not amazing timing on my part but was too pregnant, tired and worn down with SPD to change that, and in the last few weeks DD1 has begun to sleep by herself in her room, falling asleep unaided whereas I've previously always stayed with her and held her hand. In addition, she only finished bfing at 30 months, in January, and whereas she remained fascinated with bfing right up until the arrival of DD2, since then she has not mentioned it... again, I suspect it's her feeling a bit rejected :-( Any way, I'm tapping away on my teeny weeny phone and it's jolly fiddly, so i'm saying good night and thanks again!

No real advice but it will get better. DS2 is now 6 months and on the whole DS1 is great with him. Definitely better than the early days with lots of sly hitting and pinching. I agree with posters that have said one to one time with mummy is needed and appreciated. I really love the fact I can talk to DS1 and am not just a milk provider! It will be good for you too.