Advice about my (almost) 2 year old

[mermaid101]

I have a DD who is almost two. She is my first child, so I have very little experience. I was hoping for some advice/tips about a few problems I am experiencing?

Hair washing
She hates getting her hair washed and screams and cries when I try to do it. She usually goes in the bath and I pour water over her head, trying to keep it out of her eyes with a flannel. She will not tolerate the shower and is even worse when I try this.

Teeth brushing
As above. Screams, cries and pushes toothbrush away. Is happy to chew the brush herself, but the dentist has said this isn't enough and I have to brush them properly.

Walking/holding hands
We live near some very busy roads. When we go out, she wants to walk by herself. She has a meltdown if I try to hold her hand on the busy roads. I'm fine with her going by herself on the quiet streets. I have tried one of those backpack/reins things, but she has a tantrum if I try to put it on her. She is happy to carry it, but that renders it pretty ineffectual!

Is this just par for the course at this age. Am I doing something wrong and are there things I could do to help with these difficult areas?

Thanks

Before I start, you're going to think I'm very mean.

DD needs to realise that non of these things are negotiable. There may be other areas of her life where she has a say (dress or leggings? Cheese or tuna? Etc), but these are not they.

Offering choice where you can makes it easier to dictate where you need too. But dictate you must.

You can make it fun - use a stopwatch when brushing teeth, swing your arms when walking by the road etc, but she needs to know that however hard she complains these battles will never be won.

Thanks AnythingNotEverything,

I don't think you are mean at all - very wise advice. It's good to get reassurance. I agree with you, these are important things which have to be done.

If, for example, she isn't distracted/placated by swinging hands or another strategy, would you suggest just keeping a firm hold of her hand and trying to ignore the tantrum/screaming? Will it stop? Will she eventually come not to mind so much?

Hair washing - limit to twice a week. Lie down in bath and gently use a flannel to squeeze water out. Agree with Anything - sometimes you just have to ignore the screams and carry on, and the more fuss/negotiation/chat that goes on, the more out of control she feels and the more it will carry on. So - firm but fair. I am going to wash your hair tonight. You will lie down and hold X shit toy and stay still.

Holding hands - tbh I find it difficult to understand when parents say 'she won't hold my hand'. I spent a week with each of my kids training them up. It was a pain in the arse but they learnt after that. The rule is this - they hold your hand when walking along the pavement. If they do not hold your hand, they either have to go back in the pushchair (strapped in), or if you don't have the pushchair, they will sit at the side of the road until they are ready to hold your hand. Then ignore the tantrum until they hold your hand. Repeat X 100 for the first day and ignore well meaning old ladies. By the third day, they'll only let go once or twice.

Do not let her go by herself on quiet streets - she doesn't know the difference, she has no sense of danger. She just sees you being inconsistent. At 2, the only place they could let go of my hand was where there were no cars or road at all - i.e park/alleyway.

That's exactly what will happen. Hair washing is different, but with roads and teeth brushing, I suspect she's just trying to take control. It's basically a tantrum because she can't do it how she wants.

When you're going out, while you're doing shoes/coats/sun cream etc you can prepare her by saying "we're going to walk to the shops to buy milk. Mummy really likes it when we hold hands, and it keeps us both safe from the noisy cars. Lets be good and hold hands all the way there." Then you praise all the way there, and when you arrive, and then remind her about holding hands and do the same all the way back.

Alternatively, you can offer a choice of walking holding hands, or going in the buggy. No third choice!

Even if she screams, keep up with it - and remember if she complains that it hurts because you're holding her hand too tight, remind her you're only holding it so tight because she's pulling away!

Hair washing is slightly different, as it can be genuinely unpleasant for them. My son was a hair wash avoider but we just did it as quickly as we could, prepared him for how many jugfuls of water we would need, and count them down. Oh, and we had a towel on standby!

As I said, you can allow her control in other areas through controlled choices, but don't be afraid to follow through and continue just because she's crying because she isn't getting her own way.

have you tried no shampoo? they only time my two (2 and 4) get shampoo is if they have been rubbing food through their hair. The rest of the time it is just water through it.

teeth - we all brush together, then they clean mine, and I clean theirs.

Hand holding - if I say so, it happens. I decide where (crossing the road, busy roads and carparks). We do have lots of routes well away from traffic, so i rarely need to walk along many roads tho. So i guess I'm inconsistant there. Not had many problems tho.

Could you walk somewhere she enjoys, but tell her if she doesn't hold your hand, your going back home (don't try this on a trip you need to do!), and if she won't hold your hand, turn round and go home again (ignoring the tantrum!)

Sounds about right for 2 tho!

You've been given great advice, snd the other posters are right, some of the stuff is not negotiable. My DD is 2 in September, so I know what it's like with the power struggle. I agree with the praise for holding hands but in the buggy if not.
We got DD a normal kids toothbrush and a special one, called a brush baby, I think? It's designed for you to rub some toothpaste into the bristles, then they can chew it at the back of their mouth to get their back teeth clean. When shey done that, she uses the normal brush. We encourage her to show us how she brushes and she gets cheers and claps if she does it right... really over the top stuff! We have also sat her on the kitchen worktop and stood in front of her as she is more likely to get on with it then so she can finish and get down.

Hair washing. Jamgirl doesn't like water on her face, so we get most of her hair wet before we pour a jug over her to the count of five. We do this every time, so she knows how long the dunking will last! It took a couple of weeks but I only bath her a couple of times a week, so she is getting used to the idea.

Good luck!

Heh heh! Normal! Ours exactly the same to the letter!
Hair washing - we do it once a week and that's it, no more, no less and that's all she needs to know, there is no argument! Use flannel to wet, lather (she does some lathering too) then a quick shower rinse. The whole thing takes about 20 seconds.
Hair brushing - once a day. OK it always looks awful and could do with more, but it is at least clean/free from grass/fruit/debris and relatively free from tangles. Just do it as quick as you can and leave it at that. Our kid brishes the sides/front and I do the back. I can trick her into doing it more often when she wants to wear a hair bobble or is brushing toy horse/doll's hair etc too ? always a good trick that as she will sit happily brushing doll/stuffed animal hair whilst I do hers and not make any fuss at all!
Tooth brushing - Recently LO actually doing a good job on the ?Eeh? sound (front of teeth) all by herself having been shown how, so now I only have to hold the brush (she holds it too) to help her do the top/bottom row in the "Aaah" position ? we both hold the brush so she is brushing her own teeth with just a little help..
Walking holdings hands - we got round that by using reins initially too but then she decided she wont wear those. Now she is very good, and really sensible aged almost 3, but still if it is a very busy road with narrow pavement I insist on holding back of her coat and always on holding hands to cross the road (just for road crossing itself and not for walking along the pavement) just in case, and she is fine with that. I tell her is not safe to cross without holding Mummy's hand and she seems ok with that.

My DD used to hate having her hair washed - sounds daft but we put swimming googles on her to stop it going in her eyes and she was fine (also we only washed it once a week or more if hot weather)

Teeth - she was the same as yours - i used to let her chew a brush, then i would go round her teeth after, then let her do the same to me and i would say things to her like, are my teeth shiny yet, mine look shinier than yours etc and make it into a fun competition to see who could get the cleanest teeth

Was very firm on the hand holding. If she didn't hold my hand we stopped and didn't move. we were late for a few things and it was frustrating for me but she soon got the message after being bored sat on a path for 10 mins not moving.

To reassure you she is 5 now and loves the shower and washes her own hair, brushes her teeth without being asked morning and night, and knows exactly when to stop and how far ahead she can walk.

Good luck

Nail clipping - when she is asleep works a treat. Doesn;t wake her up at all. She will tell us if a nail breaks and will let us clip it then, but that means one nail a night so when asleep is better.. Telling her she has Gruffalo/bear claws also works up to a point, but you still cant do the whole lot in one go..

These were all an issue for us too.

Hair washing - we tried a rinsing jug with no luck, but he's ok if there's just a couple of inches in the bath so he can lie flat without his eyes getting wet and it's then easy to wash. Loving the goggles idea though.

Teeth - try a kids electric toothbrush, the battery ones are quite cheap and last ages. DS will do his teeth with his and has nice he just turned 2. Still needs stickers bribery fom time to time.

Hand holding. Reins for 2 weeks, then just the threat of: you can hold mummy's hand or have your reins on. No other option. He got it after the second time I wrestled him into his reins. He's now fantastic and even says - mummy it's a car park you need to hold my hand...!

And then the next list of trying issues starts....

Good luck

We had all these probs too earlier on (around 1yo for the first 2 I guess
I agree with previous posters, I went totally non negotiable on teeth brushing. In fact the harder he screamed the better the brushing so I didnt try and stop him! After a week he gave up crying and now loves havin them brushed. - we sing funny songs too sometimes.

Re holding hands, if he refuses its the under-the arm carpet hold until he relents and then he can walk again. Also completely non negotiable.

Good luck! Mine is very stubborn but soon got the message on these things as I see them as too important. There are many other things I have been unable to enforce, I guess becaus he senses they're not that important to me!

Thanks for all the advice! I think I'm going to have to take a slightly harder line. I can see I've been a bit "wishy washy" thus far.

I think I sort of knew this was the right way forward. Appreciate all the input. Very reassuring. Thank you.

Yep, went through all this with ds, and am encountering it all again with DD (20 months). Ds would at least wear reins though, and wasn't fussy about the clothes I put him in. Or the cup I let him drink out of. Or the bloody swing I put him in.

The mad thing is, it will just suddenly stop and you'll wonder what the problem was - but then they'll think of something else.

It seems a distant memory now, but Ds went through a period o hating having a bath full stop and screamed every time. THere was absolutely no reason for it whatsoever, he just decided he didn't like it. As he's not 4 yet, it can't have been too long ago, but at the time, it seemed to go on forever.

for the teeth after holding her down and making it into a trauma we decided to change tack

I had read that children are a lot more responsive to praise than telling off so me and DP brushed our teeth at the same time and told each other how wonderful and what a good job we were doing, in seconds she had joined in - the only thing not to do is use another child to compare to - that would be a whole other set of problems!