3.3 and 18 months - advice please!

[Canigotosleepyet]

Would love to hear any tips for coping with this combo. I have two fantastic daughters but I feel like I'm losing the fun in having them and turning into shouty mum all the time.

The eldest is very clingy and likes one-on-one attention most of the time, especially if I'm trying to find time for dd2. And she's a typical 3year old - selective deafness/OCDness/tantrums and the ability to create a drama out of nothing alongside a brilliant sense of humour and a very sweet nature. And dd2 is completely independent but I worry that she suffers from too little attention, plus she has a death wish and spends most of her time trying to climb everything in her path and never stays still.

They're fabulously different which I think is good but I'm just exhausted with constant competing demands and feel like i'm failing them both. Can anyone let me know what helps occupy theirs if similar ages please - or how you cope generally. Oh - and do you get anything done apart from the very basic laundry/carnage control!??

I think I blanked most of that time out! But if it's a small consolation, I'm a year ahead of you now (4 and 2.5) and its sooooo much easier - and I never thought it would be, DS was such a difficult 3yo!

I think I spent most of the time playing playdoh or having day baths as it was the only thing that they would both do with no arguing. Or camping out in someone else's house while they fed my kids

And no, nothing but the utter basics ever got done around the house!

Now DS is off to school in a month and I realise I have lots of time to dedicate to DD, so I don't feel quite as bad for basically neglecting her in order to try and control DS for the last few years..

Sorry not to be helpful, but you do definitely have my sympathy!

I have similar problems except my dds are 6,3 and 7 months. I always feel that dd2 loses out and also that I'm not there enough for each of them individually. Tbh I think most people feel like this!

Is dd1 due to go to pre-school soon? Resist the urge to deal with the carnage and spend some of the time focusing on dd2.
If not, start building time slots very slowly e.g set dd1 up with colouring/play doh etc and play with her for 10 minutes, then say I've been playing with you for 10 minutes, now I'm going to play with dd2 - even if its only for 2 minutes. Do this regularly and gradually build up the time. Be in the same room, offer minimal verbal support to dd1 and send her back to her activity if she tries to get between you and dd2.
My dd1 is still not great at entertaining herself and would have 1:1 adult contact all day if possible but it has got better - she will sometimes play a little game by herself or now likes to listen to story CDs on headphones. Also she has school friends that she will play with for hours without needing much from me.
Good luck!

Oh and I totally only just manage the basics. Everything else has to wait or I'd die from exhaustion!

Thanks to you both for your replies - I think it helps just to hear that it's not just me! There are so many good things about having them close together but it's not easy...

Ipanicked - Will try playdoh again - it wasn't a huge success last time but that was a few weeks ago and the daytime baths idea is a good one. Glad things get better.

WL - all respect to you with three! I'll have a go at the technique you suggest, and yes, I think I probably need to stop trying to do so much and make sure dd2 gets her share of the attention too.

Thanks very much!

Hi

I've two boys aged 3.8 and 2.2. 18mth gap. Things are much easier (though still v challenging at times) now the baby is a little older.

The main focus of our day is getting through it with as few arguments/fights/rows as we can manage. Structure the activities a little, if they're getting bored with something tidy it away and bring something else out. Housework can be caught up on after the children are in bed. Which is very difficult as you will be knackered but I often put my iPod on and race round for an hour trying not to sing too loudly!

We have groups of toys - drawing, painting, play do, crafty things, car mat cars & garage, train sets & trains, aqua draw, duplo, jigsaws, books, tool bench, toy kitchen, musical instruments, orchard toys games (red dog blue dog & shopping list are fab), other wow toys. I find if we try to focus on an 'activity' and then switch when they start to get bored, they're more content.

We also have a dog so will be out in all weather. Get out as much as you can.

Daytime baths are a great help, particularly if the kids are grumpy.

I've heard a few pieces of advice along the lines of, to avoid shouting its really important to engage with your children, have fun with them and build the relationship while improving communication as this should make them more likely to listen to you when you need them to. Easier said than done.

Above all, try to enjoy them and don't stress too much about housework.

...and other activities like doing head, shoulders, knees & toes, ring a ring a roses, putting music on and dancing together are great mood changers!

Love the dancing to change the mood - I'd forgotten but we used to do that when dd2 was younger.

I'd say technology is your friend too - my 6yo and 3yo can entertain themselves playing games on my iPhone for a while - wish I had an iPad!

How about a reward chart/jar for every time 3yo entertains him/herself for 10 mins? I know this sounds a bit sad rewarding them to leave you alone but independence is a key skill.

If you can bear it, this weather is perfect for naked painting! Get a roll of cheap lining paper and tape long strips together to cover an area of the garden. Put ready mixed paint in old plastic take away tubs and let them get mucky!

Thanks very much everyone - it's lovely to get fresh ideas. And reading through these replies makes me think that I'm quite tired at the mo and have probably been expecting [hoping for!] too much from them. I think a bit more structure might help us all.

Now, only an hour till bedtime...