Concerned about my behaviour towards my children

[hidingunderadifferentname]

Sorry I lack the backbone to post under my real name.

I find I have little or no patience with my children (both quite young - preschool, won't give ages as don't want to reveal who I am). If they wind me up I quickly become spiteful and cruel.

Today the eldest wanted me to sing along in the car. I did and the youngest started yelling at me to stop. The eldest started to holler at me to start again...etc. This sounds fairly unstressful I know, but they were screeching in that high pitched way that they have and it was the 'last straw' after a taxing morning. I started ranting that they had ruined my life and I would rather be anywhere than there with them at that precise moment.

The eldest started kicking the back of the driver seat in a fit of pique, so I warned eldest to stop with no result. So reached over grabbed a leg and dug my nails in. The kicking stopped and crying started - to my shame I latter discovered to my shame that I had drawn blood.

This isn't an isolated incident. It happens at least daily (not the drawing blood, but certainly the spiteful malicious comments that I make towards them when I am feeling utterly pissed off)

I'm sure some of you won't be able to resist telling me that I don't deserve children and this as abusive etc. I fully appreciate this - I'm certainly not happy with how I am toward them.

What I don't understand is why am I doing this? I don't think I'm depressed (although I am not particularly happy). Suppose I am world weary and fed up although most people looking at my life externally would think I have little reason to be. I'm not especially tired (both children are good sleepers).

How do I break this cycle and understand what is happening here and why I am behaving in this unacceptable way?

Have CAT you xx

I did get fobbed off by the health service tbh... I gave a very good impression that I was coping - bright happy confident child, well groomed, well fed...
I sought it out privately, holistically of sorts
Now the system is better geared I think/hope...
I do understand the reluctanct to admit hurting your kids though btw

I really feel for you. I get terribly angry, and I tend to take it out on my dh, not because I don't love him, but because he's the closest person and the person I have the highest expectations of. It's something I really struggle with.

So I'm really not judging you, but I do think that you need to follow up this excellent first step of admitting the problem and do something about your anger before it seriously affects your children. My mum had a lot of anger towards me and my sister. Now I'm older I know that a lot of that anger actually had nothing to do with us, and she had her own demons to deal with, but it's been hard getting to a point where I feel (mostly) ok about her, and about me.

I think you're really brave for admitting this- you must be very strong really.

Thanks Piffle - it hasn't come through yet but I think there can be a delay sometimes....I might go off to bed soon so will hopefully get your CAT tomorrow when I get up...Really appreciate you offering to talk about this

Thanks to everyone for listening and trying to help

Big up to you for being honest and asking foe help xx

You are not alone, you are not a bad mother. By posting as candidly as you have, I hope you will find nothing but support here. I too have huge anger issues, my dp is away for weeks at a time, I have friends, but no family network, no evenings out without paying for a babysitter( which I can't afford) and I find myself venting my anger on my 2 kids. 90% of the time, and always to the outside world, I am fantastic with them, but 10% of the time scare the pants off them, I can see the bewildrement in their eyes when I vent, and half of me is scared too, half of me pleased to be able to scream at someone. I really respect you having the courage to post. Good luck in the future.

So sorry, HUADN. Ditto all the previous posts. You clearly love your children deeply, but being pretty much their sole carer with barely any respite is understandably driving you to distraction. (It almost did me on the weekend while dp was away, and I only have one pre-schooler to care for.) And I can empathise on the temper front. With toddler strops now part of daily life, I’ve realised my fuse is also as short as a very short thing . Plenty of anger over here too.

One suggestion I have is checking out the NVC website (links below). When life generally goes tits up – you feel crap about yourself, your kids, the works – NVC can help distil the big storm of rage you feel, down to what’s really going on for you. It can help you work out your specific \link{http://www.cnvc.org/feelings.htm\feelings} – sad, angry, resentful, hopeless, helpless, etc (you’ll be surprised by how much of a long list you can come up with on a bad day!) – and also the many \link{http://www.cnvc.org/needs.htm\needs} you have (for love, company, creativity, etc) that aren’t currently being met. The idea is that the more met needs you have, the more calm and happy you’ll be. I thought it might possibly help with understanding where the rage is coming from/knowing what unmet needs you have that you can work on addressing.

Understanding and handling anger is a big deal for me at the moment, too. I’d thumped a cupboard door this morning before 9.30am! I’m sure so much of it is to do with circumstances (for you, relentless, isolated parenting; for us, recent house move and crappy builders throwing everything into chaos), hormones (PMT is a bugger in our household), and with how we were raised as kids; how we were taught to handle (or not) our strong feelings. None of it your fault. Enter therapy/counselling …

I admire you for speaking up about this. As other posters have suggested, it puts you firmly on the road to recovery.

Wishing you all the very best. EBAB

If you husband is a workaholic does that mean you have to do most of the parenting on your own? Because I have to tell you if I was in your shoes I’d be angry as hell. You don’t have to be physically tired to be pushed to the end of your tether you can be emotionally tired too. It’s a big emotional job to look after two children and you should not underestimate how demanding it is. And yes I know there are plenty of single mums out there who do this on their own too, but I bet lots of them would tell you they get overwhelmed too. For me it would be worse in a way- ‘cause you’re not a single mum are you? I’d be quite resentful and angry- although this may well not be how you feel.
I do know that like any relationship you relationship with your kids is dynamic. Get to a place where they irritate you just by falling over (and I really don’t mean that in a judgemental way) and the way you behave to them may well make their behaviour even more whiny and irritating. It’s a viscous feedback cycle. How to break the cycle…..? Well I echo the thoughts of others, a really good psychologist or counsellor would be a great thing. I know it’s expensive but find the right one (the key is to feel you have a good working relationship with them) and I am sure they will be able to help you through this. You’ve made a big breakthrough already by coming on here and ‘talking’ about it- it’s a very brave and lovely thing to do for your kids. I know counselling can seem a bit daunting but it really does help.

Iamhidingtoo - sorry to hear that you are going through similar from time to time (but also reassured that I'm not the only one if that makes sense); I hope it improves for you...

thanks eggybread for the links; I do need to understand what the triggers and and this should help. Hope you didn't hurt your hand on the cupboard

Hettie you were spot on when you said "and the way you behave to them may well make their behaviour even more whiny and irritating "...

Talking about all of this last night has helped. After logging off mumsnet I spent some time googling 'anger management', depression etc....and it provided some food for thought.

This morning I felt a bit more 'robust' after the support I received on here, and although it is the case that I am angry and a bit down etc, I decided I really must take some personal responsibility and should not just solely attribute my behaviour to stress / depression etc. Decided to make a concerted effort to be more patient and reasonable with my small children; after all they are completely vunerable and so very young whereas I am the adult.

And because I didn't fly off the handle the moment they were 'challenging' but counted to 10, maintained my composure and had a positive mental attitude towards it they responded better and were both quite pleasant to be with today.

I think this is only the beginning of the journey not just the end; i.e. I haven't cracked it by completing just one good day and probably / may lapse. So am still intending to follow up some of the root causes and address these

Thanks again to all of you who posted; I don't think you'll ever realise how comforting it was to talk about it and to have your support.

Really happy that things are brightening up for you !
I have been in a same situation than you and it took me about 6 months to really be able to say that I am happy to be with DS1 and that I don't ressent his tempers tantrums anymore.
A book that I did find great is "Parenting the strong willed child". It's a five week programm, it works and I found it was a bit like a walking stick for me. A very good help to lean on when things are getting though.
Carry on the good work, it's worth it and you seem to be doing great !!