Concerned about my behaviour towards my children

[hidingunderadifferentname]

Sorry I lack the backbone to post under my real name.

I find I have little or no patience with my children (both quite young - preschool, won't give ages as don't want to reveal who I am). If they wind me up I quickly become spiteful and cruel.

Today the eldest wanted me to sing along in the car. I did and the youngest started yelling at me to stop. The eldest started to holler at me to start again...etc. This sounds fairly unstressful I know, but they were screeching in that high pitched way that they have and it was the 'last straw' after a taxing morning. I started ranting that they had ruined my life and I would rather be anywhere than there with them at that precise moment.

The eldest started kicking the back of the driver seat in a fit of pique, so I warned eldest to stop with no result. So reached over grabbed a leg and dug my nails in. The kicking stopped and crying started - to my shame I latter discovered to my shame that I had drawn blood.

This isn't an isolated incident. It happens at least daily (not the drawing blood, but certainly the spiteful malicious comments that I make towards them when I am feeling utterly pissed off)

I'm sure some of you won't be able to resist telling me that I don't deserve children and this as abusive etc. I fully appreciate this - I'm certainly not happy with how I am toward them.

What I don't understand is why am I doing this? I don't think I'm depressed (although I am not particularly happy). Suppose I am world weary and fed up although most people looking at my life externally would think I have little reason to be. I'm not especially tired (both children are good sleepers).

How do I break this cycle and understand what is happening here and why I am behaving in this unacceptable way?

PS I know all the theory re positive parenting etc but don't seem to find the motivation to do it.

Also, is this relevent - when my children hurt themselves by falling over, my first reaction rather than rushing over to comfort them is sadly "fgs what now"

And yet I maintain that I do love them deeply

Sorry I'm not very good at giving advice but you do need to get help. How is your GP or hv? Have you got family close by? What about their dad?

Of course you love them. Do you get much of a break from them?

Anger management is what it's called and it can be directly related to PND and stress
I speak from experience, I learned from an episode with my first child (am far too ashamed to write what it was) and learned how to better deal with situations.
Ask a GP and/or if you are close to your HV for help dealing with your anger
And by admitting this you are asking for help, you know something is up, which is further along the scales than I was, it took me a long time to ask...
Good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wouldn't dare speak frankly to a health professional about this (fear of the consequences). Family not nearby. Husband is a workaholic.

Less than 5 hours per week break from them.

You do need help and more help than you can get here.

You sound very stressed - and you have obviously identified there is a problem.
Do you resent them for some reason? Is there anything else in your life other than the kids?
Maybe worth calling\link{http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk\parentline} for a chat, they are probably better qualified to help.

Being a workoholic is no excuse. HE is just as much their parent as you are and you need help.

I do have a very nice empathetic gp Piffle - perhaps I can speak to him in general terms about my fears rather than be a candid as I've been here. Anger management - yes I have a lot of anger.

Poor you. You sound totally fed up. I think we all say things we regret at times, although the things you say you are saying and the frequency of it is worrying, really. Do you have any support? I am suspecting not. Do you work? The one thing to make me appreciate DS is going to work and missing him like crazy. And it gives you a break. At the same time though, work/home life balance can add in more stress. TBH I think you probably need some counselling, have you suffered with depression at all previously? You do need to break the cycle, because, as harsh as it sounds, saying such things to your children can do alot of damage. I hope I don't sound harsh, I am genuinely trying to help.

No judgement from me.

I've always thought it impossible to know in advance or understand the life-changing event that parenting is. Mr Bubble and I frequently look at each other and say..."Can I have a day off? Please?"

I have a fuse which is shorter than a very short thing and I frequently have to remind myself that I am the adult!

You might not be tired, but you are human. At the same time, you are their mum and that is for life. Count to ten and don't lash out, you have and will regret it and it cannot be undone.

You are normal, BTW.

Sounds like you're a bit depressed to me. Is it worth seeing your GP about it? Could you describe other areas of your life where you don't have the motivation to respond appropriately if you don't want to concentrate on the children angle?

I might pluck up the courage to talk to parentline. Thanks for that link; of course I have heard of them but it honestly never occurred to me to speak to them, so thanks for that

I have suffered from PND before but consider myself 'cured' currently. Perhaps I'm not?

I really feel for you reading this. I can empathise to some extent. I have found myself being unacceptably spiteful in a fit of rage and despair before and its awful. (I can remember ripping up a picture she was working on :()

Whilst I havent reached the level you describe below I am not about to condone you and wholeheartedly believe and know that you do infact love them deeply and you know what, you ARE a good mother for knowing this isnt on and looking for help.

I encourage you to keep on going down this route now you have taken the step of "confessing" on here. The relationship with your children could be improved massively for all of you with a bit of help I bet.

Thinking of you x

Could you CAT me in confidence I have totally been there...

Piffle, would you be prepared to share on here how you turned it around? Obviously dont give any details your not comfortable with, just I for one would be very interested.

Thank you for the understanding and advice - it's really appreciated. Your posts are all really warm and supportive (and I'm feeling tearful now)

I think I'll book an appointment to see my GP and talk in more general terms to him about how I am unhappy with my level of patience and poor parenting of my children (I'm not going to mention digging my nails into my child's leg - he may feel that is reportable)....

Piffle - I would like to CAT you ...I can probably learn a lot if you've been there and come out the other side

Oh sweetheart

See your GP - PND is an evil bitch of a thing and sucks all the enjoyment out of life It sounds like it's nipping at your heels again

Do you have CAT I have if not and I could CAT you?

Yes would you mind CAT-ing me first? I don't think I've got around to registering for CATS (or whatever it is you have to do). Thanks Piffle

I would be prepared to talk but I could neve admit how bad I got.
I have never taken ad's never been dx'd with PND or depression.

I sought specialist counselling with peer support and changed it very fast.
I do not think I have ever mentioned it in my 3 yrs of being on this site
How very bizarre, I think you struck a chord Hiding...

Was the specialist counselling hard to come by?