Return to work guilt

[scratchandsniff]

My maternity leave is due to come to an end soon. I am returning for 3 days a week. DS will be going to nursery for 2 days and a family member for 1 day. I am feeling more and more guilty as the days go by about leaving him for those 3 days. He'll be in nursery for around 10 hours a day, it seems like such a long time to go without seeing me or DH. After spending practically everyday with me for 9.5mths I'm worried how he'll react. I have to return to work as we can't afford for me not to and I know it makes sense to keep my hand in, and ultimately will do me good to not be 'mummy' every day. But I just feel so bloody guilty and sad that this time together is coming to an end.

I'd be grateful to hear of others experiences of returning to work and putting DC in childcare. Did it take them long to settle? Did you get over the guilt? etc......

Hi. I returned to work full time when my DS was 9 months, and put my DD in from 5 months. I remember crying the night before he was due to start as i was so sad about it.
However, they both settled very well, i was very comfortable with the nursery i had chosen and i have to say they both trhived in the environment doing well socially and from a development point of view. THe nursery did so many more activities each day than i would have done at home - i continued that at home.
They are now 6 and 5 and at school and are happy, confident, social, very bright children.
Dont dwell on the guilt. Think of the positives. Your children will be well cared for, have the opportunity to make little friends and interact with other children and play, you are providing financially for them so they can grow up in a financially secure environment and have things they wouldn;t otherwise have.
Your children will be happy if you are:they take their lead from you. If you are happy at work they will be happy at nursery!
There will be some times when they cry at nursery and it can take a little time for them to settle but honestly young children adapt so quickly it just becomes 'normal' for them.
I honestly look at my children now and i'm so proud of them and i really genuinely do not think they have missed out at all by me working.

There is absolutely no benefit to feeling guilty. At the end of the day you have to go back to support your family so really try and concentrate on the positives.

It will be good experience for them for 2 days and the time spent with grandparents will reap massive rewards for both parties. It will be a change and it may take a little bit of settling in but my DS was pretty much fine after a couple of weeks.

I went back to work 3 day when DS was 11monhs and full time at 14 months. It's hard in some ways (ESP full time) but that's life and sometimes you just have to suck it up!

Ps I know I would be a crap SAHM!

I will go back to work when baby is 5 months. I wouldn't feel too guilty. My own mother was a SAHM and has never really filled that void in her life since we are now in our thirties. She is often very depressed. I don't know for sure is it that she has too much time on her hands to dwell on everything in life and has become controlling on us as a result. I always said I will keep on working. I will be working 5 days a week but will be home with baby at four so still have plenty of time.

It is hard at first, regardless of why you have to go back.

I found the first week particularly hard (I went back FT when DS was 6 months) but after that we got into a nice rhythm and I don't regret it.

Some days I'd prefer to stay at home (or go to the park) with DS. Other days, I'm glad to have a break away from the illogical tantrums!

My main concern was that DS would be closer to my grandparents (who look after him) than to me, seeing as they spend more waking hours with him in a week than I do. This has been disproved many many times - I am still number 1

I am also looking at the long-term, bigger picture. By going back to work when DS was a baby, I have maintained my career/kept earning which means that later, when he goes to school, I can look for a job with fewer hours, but still earn a decent wage.

My mum worked full-time when I was a child. I have a great relationship and grew up knowing she was there for me and I was loved. I am generally in awe of all the things she achieved while raising 4 kids. I believe that working, if you choose to, can be a really great example for your kids.

I went back to work 3 days when dd was 4.5 months. My dp took 3 months leave which really helped with the transition I think as I knew she was with him when I was at work. she now does 2 days a week at nursery, one day with me, one day with dp and one day with my mum. She loves her time at nursery and with my mum. She gets to do things with them that I just wouldn't do and spend time with other children, which takes the pressure of me as I hated toddle groups but felt I had to take her to them before so she could socialise a bit.

To be honest I didn't feel guilty even a bit about going back (though I did feel a bit guilty about not feeling guilty). I was climbing the walls and couldn't wait to return to work. I am a much better parent for it.

OP, I have no advice for you, but I can relate to how you feel. I' due back at work in less than 2 weeks and I cannot bear to even think about it...

The thing that makes me sad is how little time I'll get with DS on working days... I'll be leaving home by 7 and coming back only at 6... After that all I'll do is bath and bedtime... That suddenly seems so little after spending 24x7 with him.. :(

It's natural to worry, every parent does but try to remember your ds won't always be so little. It's amazing how quickly they grow and become more independant.
My 14 mth old dd is thriving at nursery (she goes 4 days a week) but still enjoys her time with her mum and dad. I don't think it's affected our bond at all though I've noticed she's become more confidant and sociable.

However, if you're really unhappy going back to work suggest ask yourself a few questions:
If you delayed your return to work for a year or two, would it affect your career/earning capacity badly? Would you want to still be at home in 3,4,5 years time? Would you be comfortable potentially never going back to work or having financial independance?

It's really heart wrenching returning from mat leave, but if you are really happy with your choice of childcare provider that is a big help. I knew my LO would be cared for wonderfully well and that was very reassuring and helped a lot, although I was terribly miserable and missed my baby dreadfully for the first month after returning to work full time, until I managed to get a four day week that is. Having that ?day off? made a huge difference, not just to that day, but the rest of the week, knowing you are going to have whole day (or two day in your case) of quality time with your child every week (and even get a little cooking/cleaning done too, making working-week day evenings less rushed and stressful) really helps you cope. Ultimately though you just have to go through the mill of feelings and you work your way through it. It feels lonely to start with. I was so sad initially I lost nearly stone in weight as I just couldn?t eat and spent every lunchtime crying in the loos. It does get better though. You get into a routine and that helps too.

Know that your child will suffer in any way mentally, physically or psychologically because you have to go to work, nor will they forget you or forget that you love them. Even little babies always know who their Mummy is and she is always the most important person in their life, even if she can?t be there the whole time. Your baby will enjoy seeing new faces and learning and experiencing new things with others, perhaps doing different things than they do with you at home, so you can be reassured that this is a useful and even a nice, pleasurable experience for your child, even if it you still feel very sad to be parted from your baby.

That second paragraph should say "will NOT suffer".. !!