new parent jealousy (bit of a rant, sorry)

[craftycottontail]

Sort of an AIBU but I'm feeling way too sensitive to brave it (first AF has just started since giving birth and had forgotten about the woefulness of PMT!). Sorry if this is the wrong place.

It is SO annoying having people constantly telling me to enjoy this precious time with my newborn and simultaneously queuing up to have a piece of him. Was at a neighbourly gathering tonight and got really overwhelmed with all the people making a fuss and wanting to have a cuddle. I knew my DS would be due to feed soon and really just wanted to keep hold of him at least until he'd fed so I didn't miss his signs, but one friend INSISTED on having a cuddle and virtually took him out of my arms despite me explaining why she couldn't have a hold right then. She gave him back after a minute as I think she'd sensed she'd pissed me off but still... Maybe I should put DS in a sling so people don't snatch him!

He's MY baby and I want to keep him close, he's only 8 weeks old! Surely there will be plenty of time for other people when he's a bit older? I don't know if this is my fault for letting so many friends visit early on (when I had those top-of-the-world/want-to-show-off-my-newborn feelings!)

I'm finding myself avoiding having people visit because it just means an hour of looking at my baby wishing he was in my arms instead of theirs. And finding it difficult to relax into being on maternity leave because it feels like it's just whizzing by and in no time at all I'll be leaving him in childcare all day. The same friend said she wanted to come round next week to cook me dinner and look after DS while I have a relaxing bath (my DH works evenings), but I really don't want her to because I'm not bothered about having a bath, I'd rather spend time with my son.

Am I being selfish wanting to keep him all to myself and revel in this special time? Will it make DS clingy later on if I don't pass him around now? How do I be firm enough with people when they ask to have a hold at an inconvenient time?

YANBU - do what you like, avoid visitors and gatherings, enjoy time with your baby. My MIL was always offering to take newborn DS1 out for a walk - I didn't want him to go out I wanted him with me!

Btw ds2 got passed around and socialised a lot less but I wouldn't use the word clingy. .... attached is much nicer!

Oh thank you, I'm so glad it's not just me! I think I must sound like a really ungrateful bitch and know there will be a time when I'll appreciate the help, but it just doesn't feel like now is that time.

No worries, keep your head down and enjoy the cuddles!

I totally understand how you feel - the most stressful aspect of the newborn phase for me apart from sleepless nights was the endless visitors monopolising my baby. In the end I had to limit it with the help of dh as it was getting too much. It's perfectly natural to want to hold your son and bond with him. I used to get so irritated with everybody grabbing my dd - even when she started crying they wouldn't hand her back to me, they seemed to be competing over who could stop her crying. I just couldn't relax until she was back in my arms. They even wanted to feed her (she was formula fed) but I drew the line at that although I felt like I was supposed to be more laid back to please everyone else. They didn't mean any harm they were just excited - babies seem to send everyone crazy - and eventually it calmed down thank goodness! Don't worry you're supposed to feel the way you do, it's only natural x

know exactly how you feel! I hand him over for cuddles with visitors right away but I'd rather keep him myself. I love my mil but she drives me crackers. I know she's desperate for cuddles so I dutifully hand ds over then the first thing she does is wander off with him to another room! I hate it.

You are totally reasonable in how you feel! You just want your baby with you all the time and that's natural. My ds is 6 months now and I'm still the same, although starting to not mind dm and MIL taking him for cuddles as much!!

I didn't easily hand my baby over to people for cuddles though when he was a newborn or if someone did want a hold, I just lifted him back after 5 minutes- you have to be assertive!

Whilst I really, really undersrand your feelings, I would be a littke bit cautious about rejecting advances from, say, close friends and family members as they might then not offer help when you need it later on and do fancy a break. That time will come .

If people try to nab him could you just say "oh, he needs a feed now, back in a tic, excuse us" or something, and wander off? Anyone with an ounce of perception will realise that's a nice way of saying 'no'.

Also, I know relatives can be annoying but one day you might be a besotted aunty/grandma too, and dying for a cuddle. Just sayin....

Phew I'm glad this seems to be normal, I've been feeling really tearful about it the last couple of days and think DH thinks I'm mad.

Thanks for the other perspective Ragusa :) I need to learn to strike the right assertive/gentle balance with people I think. It is thrilling to see other people's excitement over newborns.

I remember that happening OP. What you don't want is people coming to offer to 'help' and sitting snuggling with the baby while you rush around like a loon fitting in all your jobs.

I was always tempted to hold some sort of a party and get everyone out of the way at once! Maybe you could pick an evening a week and just let a few people come around at once?

I know exactly how you feel. My DS is 9 weeks old and I hate other people taking him off me. I feel the stress just building inside me!luckily my own DM knows me well enough to wait until I ask if she wants a hold MIL not so much! DH understands (or so he says) but I don't think men get the same feelings as we do regarding newborns. For example, when my baby cries a real cry, not just a winge, it's like a switch goes off inside me and instantly I am stressed and worried and need to pick him up and hold him, where as DH just thinks "awwww".

My DGM was holding my DS the other day and he started crying, and I had to say 3 times for her to pass him back, the last time quite firmly! So don't worry you're not alone!!

Maybe scale back on frequency of get-togethers and/or numbers involved?

There is nothing abnormal in feeling protective and wanting to enjoy just you and DS and DH.
(As long as you see others and try and get out and not feel inclined to hide away).

If you have someone pressuring you to hand him over for cuddles try a firm,
"That'll be lovely in a while/next time we see you, he's had enough/getting tired/wanting his milk now".

It takes people back to their own children, seeing a newborn or little baby. They love to have a tiny part of him but there's a balance between giving you a break showing him affectionate interest and hogging him.

I hope you can suit yourself when you have company and not overdo it in these early days. During maternity leave especially you want to get yourself sorted and adapt to DS being here.

YANBU but try and understand they just love him too . Sounds to me you got yourself an snuggly Mummy's Boy there so you don't have to worry, aawwww, this is so cute!!

Thanks for everyone's input!

Welshfirsttimemummy, I know exactly what you mean about your baby's cry - I instantly want to scoop him up and comfort him but have to stop myself especially when DH has him as don't think it's fair to make him feel like he's inadequate!

Next week I'm going to be strict about limiting visitors/outings to one per day. We have a big family BBQ on Sunday which I know is going to be stressful - I hate massive gatherings at the best of times without having people hogging my baby! So going easy on myself and keeping Monday clear to recover!

MyBaby1day yes you're right, he's a very cuddly, easy baby - sleeps v well, barely cries - I just can't get enough of him :D

Crafty honestly just get a sling - something like a Moby, or VSL stretchy wrap. You can just say he's tired/it takes ages to get him out of the sling (not true but who will question it)/he's been grouchy and its the only way to keep him calm!

It's awful isn't it. I remember in the first few weeks if she cried it would physically hurt my boobs and they would spray everywhere

Don't worry this phase will be over soon and tyou will be ds OMG toddler tantrums. You can have your child all to yourself then as people give you a wide berth!

I think that the best thing is to limit how many of these situations you get into in the first place. A good friend's or family member's new baby can have real emotional significance for people that you'll want to encourage later - the warmth is nice, but in moderation. I also think you have to tell people what you need a bit more, for people without young babies, it is really hard to understand how vulnerable you feel and a revelation when you have your own.

crafty I do agree that you should be able to hold your baby whenever you like without having to fight for him.

BUT - remember that most of these people will be thinking that they are doing a nice thing for you, like your friend who wants to come and look after him while you have a bath.

Both my boys have been hard work as newborns, they wouldn't be put down, slept badly and wanted a lot of feeding. I had a really hard birth with DS1 which took me a long time to recover from, and so as much as I adored him (and DS2 when he came along) I was always very happy for family and friends to have cuddles!
I always knew I wasn't going to back work, which I'm sure does alter how you feel.

Basically what Ragusa said though. There will come a time when you are desperate for a break, so be careful how you approach this.