Practical advice re. caring for a newborn and a 16 month old

[katkingreen]

Hi there!
I've just found out that I'm expecting again :o). My son will be 16 months old when the new baby arrives. I've spent quite a while online looking for practical parenting tips re. looking after 2 children of these ages. All I've found is people offering encouraging words to each other such as 'you'll be fine.' But what I'd love to know is things like... what to do if they both want feeding at once?... what sort of invaluable equipment would people recommend? Will they be able to share a room (once the little one is 6 months) that sort of thing....
So I've joined Mumsnet to see if anyone can help!
Thanks!

Thought you might like this

I found a sling useful too. Dc2 just wasn't keen on being put down and carrying her like that meant I could keep up with dc1 in playgroup and do things like get lunch.

MiaowTheCat thank you so so much for your lovely message!!! That was exactly the kind of info and encouragement I needed! I am actually going to print your reply out (!hope you don't mind!) so I can go over it a few times. Later, after the 12 week scan, I can start looking around for the various useful things you mentioned. I particularly like the idea of that booster seat at the table. Re. the pushchair, I had a bit of a saga with my first one (a Graco) it was useless. My son is a big boy, he was 10lb 6 at birth and is around 24lb now at nearly 8 months. I have a suspicion that baby number 2 won't be little either... so maybe the Phil and Ted buggy would be ok? I'll have to look into it. Sounds like one of those where there is one seat over the other? by the way you've described it?

Your two little ones sound adorable! My husband grew up being very close in age to his youngest sibling and they have been pretty much best friends since birth. With me (eldest of 4) there's 12.5 years between me and my youngest brother. So I always wanted children close together. Today the reality was hitting somewhat however.... So big thanks for the reassurance!
JiltedJohnsJulie thank you too! That has confirmed my sling idea; can I ask what sort you have? as I haven't tried one yet. My friend has a 'Moby', maybe you have that one?

I found the following useful:
Double buggy

Snacks and drink available for dc1 that they can just grab if dc2 is having a feedathon that you can't escape

Safe activities and books and toys for dc1 to do whilst you're occupied

Swing chair and, later, a bumbo and swizzly toy chair thing to occupy and settle dc2 so you can pay attention to the 1st

Baby can cry for periods of time if needs be, they'll not remember

Think of what needs doing and prioritise them. Put off or don't do tasks that are not necessary

If dc1 still naps, try to time it so it overlaps one of the new baby's naps. This'll give you a much needed rest during the day. If this isn't possible, take them out for a walk/drive til they settle slightly

When dc2's feeding falls into more of a routine, time dc1's meals around them

Don't be scared to use kids' ready meals and quick meals and meals from slow cooker and sandwiches for dc1, at least they're fed and if it's only for a short time they won't fall apart or turn to jelly. Neither will you.

Put dc1 into childcare for 1 or 2 days per week if poss to give you some uninterrupted bonding time with the baby

Keep dc1 involved where possible but don't expect too much too young. And avoid forcing them to bond immediately with the baby, trust that it'll develop in it's own time

Spend some 1-1 time with dc1 every day, even if only ten mins, even if the baby is squawking: resist the urge to go over when dc1 is having this special time (unless necessary)

Keep a safe place for the baby in different places in the house, away from marauding toddler, so you can deal with other things eg cooking, phone, door, toilet etc

Keep up with behaviour techniques for toddler where possible but pick your battles and decide whether it actually matters. Dc1 will prob engage in loads of attention seeking behaviour so only give attention to what matters. And give plenty of positive attention for behaviour you want to see.

Re the double buggy we had a cheapy safety 1st one from asda, cost about £120, weighs a tonne and is as long as a train so not ideal for public transport but was a godsend for long walks and when changing one child at a time whilst out. Now the toddler walks (he's 2.3) and the baby sits in a normal pushchair, he wears reigns which I just strap onto the stroller frame meaning I have 2 hands to steer and he can't run off.

Re routine for bath and bed, we just slotted the baby into the toddler's routine and took it in turns which child we sorted out.

Don't be too proud to ask for and accept help. In the early days it's all hands on deck!

Build time into your day to day and look after yourself, or else you never will.

JiltedJohnsJulie - just saw the link you sent me, thanks - there's some really good advice in there : ) Thanks!

Mumofboyo thanks for your advice. I really feel SO much more clued up than I did earier today. And more confident! Mum's rule don't they?!! I mean we really know what multi-tasking means. And I feel ready for the juggling act now! :o)

There's just under 20m between my 2. DS2 is only 6w so I have some recent experience of the early days. My advice:

Don't try to do too much too fast. Make the most of paternity leave or any other help you have so you can rest & recover faster. Yes, you'll have to get used to dealing with 2 single-handed eventually, no you don't need to start practicing when the baby is a few days old. I learnt that the hard way!

As far as what to do if both require attention simultaneously, my current method is to establish either who is crying/shouting the loudest or who will be fastest to sort out. You've only got one pair of hands so you can only deal with one child at a time. I'll also try to pre-empt their needs. For example, if DS1 is due to wake up from his nap about the same time as DS2 needs feeding then I'll feed DS2 first so I can give DS1 my full attention while he's having snack.

I've struggled to adjust to 2 after an unexpectedly traumatic birth with DS2 arriving in the ambulance! At the moment my motto is: "this too shall pass". We take one day at a time & even when things are difficult and stressful I tell myself that we'll get there eventually. You may well be fine, but don't panic if it seems overwhelming at first. It will get better!

MiaowTheCat ... I'm chortling to myself as I picture me telling my husband what your husband does before he goes to work, I'm imaging politely raised eyebrows and a look that says 'I know I'd be better off agreeing with your suggestions but I like my sleep' lol! He'll have to knuckle down. Anyhow, had better go as Baby R is crying for his bed... thanks for your further words of wisdom :)

We bottle fed too (many reasons I felt unable to bf) and whilst I expressed for dc1 it wasn't practical for dc2 so she had formula from day 2. We made her milk up for the day every morning, flash cooled and refrigerated it then just warmed when required (I know not everyone agrees with this however). We took a sterile bottle and uht cartons out for feeds on the go.

Soft play was good to keep dc1 active and occupied, esp when I went with a friend, as dc2 was happyish in the pram whilst I kept an eye on the toddler.

Sorry if I'm overloading your thread, I just keep thinking of more things that helped in the 1st 6-12 weeks when it's most intense

Thanks again all for your help! x

I'm still finding my feet with mine, have an 18 month old and an 8 week old but thought I would share my experience so far.

Firstly I have found the whole experience much better than I expected it is by no means easy but then I don't think looking after a newborn and another child is ever going to be easy. I think that having previous experience so recently of a tiny baby + still being in the swing of nappy changes, night wakings etc makes the transition much easier.

I have a phil and teds which I like so far but my 8 week old is already outgrowing the cocoon bit. I have a Manduca sling which has been a lifesaver and I am planning on using that for baby until he is big enough for the second seat soon.

The main things I have found that have helped so far is getting out of the house at least once a day, this gives me a semi break as baby will sleep in pram and toddler is amused.

I usually give toddler a snack and drink whenever I feed the baby, and also feed baby whenever there is a good opportunity e.g. when toddler is asleep or happily playing on his own. Also having a good routine in place for the toddler so that I can time feeds around his mealtimes, etc.

I do bedtimes alone a lot as OH works away mostly during the week. This is definitely the most challenging time but find that if I give baby a feed right before I start bedtime he will happily sit in bouncy chair whilst I bath and settle the toddler. Then I bath and feed baby again and he mostly settles for the evening which means that I usually get a bit of a rest once they are in bed.

Good luck with your new baby!

Love this thread due in 2 weeks and have what will be an 18 MO

I had a similar age gap and I bought a second-hand playpen and put the baby in the moses basket in the playpen when he was napping and he was totally out of reach of the toddler.

And I'd second whoever said that if both are crying sort out the toddler and the baby will be OK for a few minutes.

Sorry just thought of another tip. I have a change of clothes + nappy changing stuff for baby and toddler both upstairs and down so that if someone needs a change I don't have to go upstairs to fetch anything.

I actually find the logistics of getting them both up and down stairs tough as toddler although walking well isn't keen on climbing up or down with me. I find i have to do relays which means that the toddler, who is still quite clingy, often has a tantrum when I have to leave him.

We also have 16months.

Some things we did:

• didn't get a double pram. Continued using bugaboo cameleon for eldest and then baby in sling. Then eldest on buggy board from 20 ish months if needed or seat and baby sling if needed. Beco Gemini sling is suitable for both baby and toddler. It's far easier to have baby in sling as then you can carry on chasing toddler easier. Now at 2 and 3 we are pram free which is fantastic ( getting them walking early out and about a huge help)

• eldest could feed himself before baby was born which was a huge help

• we put both children in same routine as soon as possible. Even now they pretty much eat/ sleep/ bath/ play at the same time

• we also didn't do the whole eldest at nursery. He's just started now this Easter gone ( pre school), and it's a pain tbh. Have to rush out for 9am, rush back from places for 11.45am, instead of having long breakfasts and all piling in the bath. In september they will both go 2 mornings instead o eldest for 5, as like I said same schedule for both easier, and we all feel more relaxed for it.

• keep Naptime for everyone ( including adults), until they leave h

Opps

• keep nap time for everyone ( until they leave home if possible)

• we also split day into roughly morning activity, lunch, nap, afternoon activity. Activity could be anything from supermarket/ friends over/ walk/ swim etc... We never go out for the whole day. Too exhausting for everyone ( plus they always napped at home after lunch as no double buggy/ none now)

There's 18m between my two. And I agree with a lot of the advice on here.

For us a double buggy was a must (my eldest was a runner!) and I still use it now I've got a (just) 2yr old & a 3.5yr old. It's P&Ts and the bottom seat is great for all the gear when the eldest is walking/scootering

Sling - ditto what the others have said. You'll never have enough hands!

In the event of a meltdown where they're both crying at once I used to find it was easiest to sort the eldest first. You probably know what they want and it's probably easily fixed (drink, snack, favourite song/toy, etc). The youngest will not die for waiting a few mins and their needs usually take longer to fix.

Freeze batches of toddler meals for quick fix dinners.

Relax your standards - I hated the fact that my eldest watched more TV (he didn't watch any before 17m!), ate beans on toast more than he should have and my house was a live-in disaster for quite a while. But in the end it didn't matter. My friend called it "middle class mum guilt" and she was right!

I didn't bother with play pen/gates etc to keep one from the other as my toddler was so nervous of the baby that he wouldn't touch him for the first few months :D But loved him to bits all the same.

My one long-term tip is to encourage sharing from day one. The toddler will automatically want the baby toys. I used to make mine ask for permission from the baby to play with them or, if he wanted what DS2 was holding I made him bring something to swap with his brother (could even be a tea towel as long as he didn't just take or snatch the toy). It got us in to good habits early on and they're pretty good a taking turns these days!

This thread is so useful; thanks everyone. What great tips. I'm expecting in the next few weeks and will have a 14/15 month gap between my 2. As I have had morning sickness throughout this pregnancy I am hoping that things can't get any worse :-)

Hi I have a 2 month and a 14 month.my invaluable product would be a playpen to put the newborn in (in his seat or swing etc) this way I can crack on without worrying my first ds will try to climb on him etc.there is nothing wrong with leaving newborn have a winge if you are busy with the other one or give the eldest some snacks whilst you feed your newborn.

We had a P&T double pram - was a lifesaver to be able to strap them both in sometimes and just get something down! We always put the baby in the car seat on top and toddler underneath (they say not to but it was always fine). The baby just naturally fitted in to the toddler's routine, it didn't take that long before they were both sleeping at the same time which was a godsend. I did have help for bedtime (my sister lives up the road with no kids so if DH was going to be home late I'd beg her to help!)

I'd also second the sharing of toys from the outset - DDs don't really have much which specifically belongs to either of them which has massively cut down on arguments as they just need to learn to play nicely.

When DD2 was born we accepted that DD1 hadn't asked for a sister and so she needed lots of extra attention from us, friends and family.

Babies are pretty easy to look after, def see to the toddlers needs first the baby will be fine.

A very belated thank you to all the Mums who've posted on here since I replied last! Your advice is invaluable! Sadly my pregnancy came to an end at 8 weeks. But... I'm delighted to say I soon got pregnant again and am due at the end of May next year. So now there will be 18 months between babies, a little bit more than the original 16. All this advice will still be of use! Watch out for me lurking on other message boards with more questions about slings and prams etc. (Have noted Phil and Ted's must be good and Manduca and Beco Gemini slings so far). Thanks ladies!

Congratulations on your new pregnancy, hope everything works out well. 18 months will be slightly less fraught (in theory lol) as your eldest should be much more independent by then in terms of feeding himself, walking, playing and concentrating for longer periods of time...