Parents expecting their 2nd child, or those with 2+ children already, I'd love to hear from you

[maxslittlebrother]

Hello MNs,

Did any of you have concerns about sibling jealously when deciding to have a 2nd child, and if so how did it all work out? Did you manage to rectify it and how long did it take? What techniques proved useful?!

We have a 3 year old and a new baby. We decided to have a 2 week period of just 'us' before having visitors. We explained this to anyone who asked as an important time for DC1 to get used to DC2. This was our best idea ever as when we did get visitors the newness of the baby had worn off for DC1. Also we answered the door to any visitors with DC1 and not the baby, this way the visitor had to acknowledge/converse with DC1 before the baby. Again, this worked well and needed no explanation because it all happened 'naturally' for the visitor and DC1. We also tried to get DC1 to answer visitors' questions about the baby.
We did the usual asking DC1 to help by getting nappies, muslins etc. In the 1st 2 weeks my DH's job was to occupy DC1 with a morning and an afternoon activity (soft play/swimming/shopping...) so they felt special and I got to deal with the baby.

It's worked out pretty well for us. DC1 is sometimes too full on with the baby (bear hugs, full on smooches, attempts to carry) but it's preferable to an open dislike.
We also tried to not use the baby as a reason/excuse even if it WAS the reason eg. we'll go to the park in 10 minutes NOT we'll go to the park after I've fed baby.
We don't always get it right. It can go from 'that's a nice cuddle' to 'that's enough now' to 'get off now or it's straight to bed' but it all seems pretty natural now to be dealing with 2 of them.

ds1 was 21 months when ds2 was born. They're now 3 and 1. Ds1 has never shown any signs of jealousy and was completely unaffected by a new baby, he's a very secure, laid back child. What I had not expected though was that ds2 gets jealous of ds1! For some reason this never crossed my mind as he's never been an only. Ds2 is very demanding and if I give ds1 a cuddle he'll scream and try and force his way between us!

Ds, who was 17 months when dd was born, never showed anything other than affection towards his baby sister. We got him a doll and he used to pretend to bottle feed it like I did with the baby, and tried a few times to put a nappy on it! He used to love 'holding' her and when she cried all the time until 6+ months old he used to strike her head and press the soggy, chewed up, smelly label of his most favourite lion teddy onto her cheek (this is his own comfort thing and does this to himself when upset). It was so lovely to watch.

He's 2.3 and she's 10 months now. It's a different story now. She can move around and pick up/play with the toys that he sees as belonging to him. All we hear now is, "No dc, not yours, it's mine!" I keep repeating myself saying how we must share, ask nicely and not snatch back. I try to be consistent and tell dd not to take toys off ds so that he sees sharing as a 2-way thing. It's taking a long time to sink in...

DD was very thrown by DD2's presence, her jealousy mainly displayed in acting out. She was 2.3 at the time so the combination of new baby and terrible twos was pretty full-on. That said she never tried to hurt the baby, we had strict rules about being gentle with her, and she helped with things like nappies and choosing clothes.

One thing I know I did right was whenever DD2 had a nap I made sure I paid attention to DD1 rather than just lying in a heap. Even if we watched TV I would cuddle her so she didn't miss out.

Something I did wrong was to expect too much from her: I wanted her to be 2.3 going on 5 and I should have been more understanding.

That said they are now 3.6 and 16 months and they get on like a house on fire. You know, people screaming and running away nah they're pretty good, and DD2 worships DD1. But like a PP says, DD2 HATES it when I cuddle DD1.

Oh the sharing thing is a nightmare but I know some adults who have problems with sharing so I've learned to roll with the screaming and endless repetition of "come on, we all share"

stroke her head lol just read my own post!!

Hmmmmm.... wellll...

DS1 was 28 months when DS2 appeared on the scene. We had built him up to it, talking about how he was going to be a big brother, have to look after his little brother etc. When DS2 arrived he brought with him a present of a bike for DS1, so DS1 warmed to him immediately.

After 2 wks when DH wentback to work and DS1 was competing for my attention all the time the novelty wore off. Every time I fed DS2, 1 would appear and start driving toy cars over him, pulling his clothes or even hitting him on the head (that has only happened once, mind, as he was royally scolded). The HV suggested having a box of 'special' toys that DS1 could play with only when DS2 was being fed. That worked for a bit!

Now DS2 is 13 wks, DS1 loves him. He kisses and cuddles him all the time. He tries to share his toys with him, which has led to DS2 getting bumped on the head with hard toy cars a few times, so we've had to explain that 'while it's lovely to share, DS2 is too young for these. how about that nice soft toy instead?'.

The hardest thing to manage is his real interest in his baby brother, which means he pokes, prods and pulls him, i.e. 'look, he's got lovely little eyes' - poke.

Loads of concerns as I'm an only child so had no clue. Ended up with 3.6 gap which was good for understanding waiting a bit (and bribable with CBeebies!), while not remembering much pre-baby. Actually ds was desperate for a baby as all his nursery friends had a baby brother - we had to just say baby as 'sister' upset him but he wanted a baby.

Was advised to have baby magic bring ds a toy 'from' the baby, and also whenever she looked at him without screaming to say 'I think she likes you'. And to tell him and especially toddlers that babies when awake love their feet being tickled - not that they care but the kids can't hurt the baby that way. Also beforehand talking about which toys the baby can play with or not, and how it will be important to keep certain toys etc away from the baby. And stories about having siblings - ds insisted on one where "Nudge wanted to do everything his big brother Conker did...mostly Confer liked having a little brother, but sometimes he found Nudge Very Annoying!"

Lots of reminding ds about all the fun things he could do and especially eat, but dd can't have them because she's too small. And not expecting him to be 'big'. After dd was born, ds insisted on going to the baby room at nursery again - until two days later when the novelty wore off!