Would you let your 5 year old visit home of domestic violence?

[hex]

I've been supporting my friend through a traumatic experience of domestic violence during which she separated from her partner. She has now decided to return (another issue altogether) to this ex-partner.

While living elsewhere, her dd1 became friends with my dd1 (both are 5 and are in the same class at school.) I'm dreading an invite for my dd1 to go to tea - not sure what I should do.

Her partner is not the child's father and the violence that happened wasn't directed at the child. I want to be prepared for when the inevitable invite does happen (they will live 5 doors away from us and he works from home).

What would other people do?

I think I would suggets that whenever the ex-ex-p is there, you would prefer it if you had them both to play at yours, but when she is on her own, it would be lovely if your dd could play there.

She knows you know all about it - be open.

Anyway - she has made a choice, she needs to take responsibility for it - she can't expect you to want your dd there and possibly witness violence.

:(

Her poor kids

They are being effectively punished for something that they haven't done.

Is he violent in front of the kids?

Parents of DS are in the middle of a v acrimonious split, and one in particular, has no boundaries about what gets said in front of kids, visitors etc - I have said I'd rather DS went when one of them was in charge, not both!

ditto, Fiofio

and tbh it sounds like her dd needs all the friends she can get - how ostracised would she feel if people started making excuses not to go to her house. It's not her fault.
And I like to think (naïve possibly) that he wouldn't be violent in front of a visitor.
Why not go round with your dd the first couple of times and scope out the situation - if all is ok then you'll feel comfortable with her going round, if you don't like the atmosphere, get your friend and her dd round to yours instead?

I don't know whether he's been violent in front of her daughter. He has had a problem with drink (and now has promised to remain dry). Her daughter 'hates him' (friends words) and was glad to move out. 5 year olds are very astute so even if she never saw the violence, she would have picked up on her mother's upset.

My two close friends both have violent partners.

They both know that although I trust them around the children, I do not trust the man they are with. So I dont let my children (4 and 2) play there when I am not around. They have never questioned me about it as it was never open for debate iyswim

having been in your freinds position i would never have asked a freind home if my xp would be there.
if she thought there was the slightest chance of him kicking off i dont think she will be inviting people for tea.

and if she does you can explain that considering the circumstances you would rather have her Lo over to your to play. im sure she will understand even if she is a little put out. if she gets shirty simply tell her if she wants to subject her LO to that environment then thats her affair but you wont do it to yours....you never know, it may just waker her up enough to leave for good!

As a child who grew up in a house where my stepfather was very violent with my mother I agree with Blu- I wouldn't want any child to suffer exposure to that kind of environment. Even when there's not violence the threat of it hangs over everyone in the household- it's horrible.

Domestic violence breeds in silence. I remember my mother entering into a kind of denial because all her friends refused to publically acknowledge what was going on and it allowed her to avoid facing the truth of her situation, ultimately prolonging the toxic relationship.